Beyond a joke

This isn't funny. It really isn't funny. I think, no, I'm certain that I have bronchitis. I've had it many times in the past so I know what it feels like and it feels like this. I'm bubbling away and my lungs are being ever so musical, and they have that itchy, scratchy, rubby, irritated feel about them, and I'm coughing like a heavy smoker, and I feel rubbish. My nebs give me some relief, but only about 20 minutes and then I'm back to where I started. I should probably be in hospital. I nearly gave in and called an ambulance last night, but in the end I couldn't face the prospect of the post-admission process of being carted around the city from hospital to hospital, so I'm hanging on until tomorrow when I can contact Ward 29 and go directly there ... although I'm still hoping that I can avoid hospital all together. I'm probably being naive.

I'm so, so sick of this. It's been one thing after another and I'm knacked. I would dearly love some respite from it - from the ceaseless bouncing from one illness to the next, and from feeling so unwell so much of the time. And while breathing is such a struggle I can't even get any proper rest. I'm exhausted.

I know that if I were a spectator to myself then I'd be urging myself to go to hospital sooner rather than later, and that I really ought to be going sometime round about now, but I just can't face the emergency admissions unit at RVI. While I was lying/sitting in bed last night I was saying to myself, 'This is stupid. Just call an ambulance. You would if it were anyone else,' but I couldn't do it. I thought about calling the out of hours doctor, but I knew that they'd just send me to hospital and I'd end up at the RVI's EAU anyway. If it gets absolutely desperate then I will give in before tomorrow, but right now I'd prefer to take the risk of staying at home ... maybe it's a stupid risk ... most likely it is ... part of me doesn't want to take the risk, but after last time on EAU's attached ward I just cannot face the prospect of that again. Of course, there's the possibility that even if I wait until tomorrow and contact Ward 29 that they won't have a bed, and then I'll be in the position of knowing that I have no choice but to end up in EAU until 29 have a bed. I hate this.

Am I rambling? I feel like I'm rambling. I feel like I'm not making much sense. I'm just fed up with all this and the situation I'm in. So very fed up and not feeling at all well.