Review of the year 2015

It's far too long since I last posted, and I left you all in a bit of limbo.  Sorry about that.  I'll come back to what happened with the rest of my Cambridge admission, and some of what has happened since, but it's a bit complicated to integrate into this post.

2015 was a difficult year in many, many ways with an awful lot of ill-health, but I will let my Review of the Year questions tell a bit more of the story - the ups and downs...

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?
Probably getting onto the Patient Input Platform (PIP) for the RASP (UK) study into severe asthma.  I was asked to apply for a position on the PIP, but there was definitely no guarantee that I was would be successful and still had to fill in the application form (2000 words required) and be interviewed by someone from Asthma UK and someone already on the PIP.

2. What made you laugh most this year?
I think it was during a day of geocaching that I had with a my friend Ruth up at Bamburgh and Holy Island.  We had lots of fun and a huge amount of silliness, especially when it came to finding our last cache of the day, 'Cache and 'Tache' 

The biggest laughs were as we kept the 'taches on and made our way back to the car, but ended up causing some passers-by to stop their car and chat to us because they were laughing at us so much.

3. What unfulfilled hopes do you have for the past year?
I hardly wrote anything during 2015, either on my blog or otherwise, and I had been hoping to write a fair bit for both my book about my asthma and also my children's book.  I know this is a direct result of how difficult the year has been so I'm trying not to be too disappointed in myself.

4. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?
There's a Peter, Paul, and Mary song we do at choir (Flotsam) called 'Jane Jane' that I absolutely love singing.  I particularly love the arrangement that we do (arranged by the MD, Andrew Scott - Scottee), but I have listened to the original version a lot too.

I have also listened to a lot of Bellowhead CDs both in the car and at home.  They're so enlivening, and I've needed a lot of that this past year.

5. What was your best holiday this year?
Well, as you know, my holiday didn't go as planned, but I did have an absolutely fantastic time in Wales before it all turned disastrous in Cambridge, so I will answer this with the Welsh part of my holiday.

6. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?
I don't think that I've actually acquired a new skill this year, but I have developed my crocheting skills, and crochet, of course, was my new skill for 2014.

7. What's the best book you've read this year?
My answer to this goes hand in hand with my answer to question two.  One of the things I need to be able to do to write is to be able to read, but I've hardly been able to read at all this year either.  My concentration for reading has been shot this year, partly because of events - particularly those early in the year - but also because of illness.  My diabetes has developed a lot over the past several months and has made me feel terrible, as well as affecting concentration.  Anyway, as a consequence, for the first time probably in my entire life, I have only read one book this year, and that book wasn't at all taxing.  It was Danny Wallace's 'Random Acts of Kindness'.  I am ashamed of this awful tally, although I know that like the writing, it is a symptom of my state of mind.  I am currently trying to adhere to a kind of reading programme agreed with my psychologist so that I can read a book that she is keen for me to read.  I am looking forward to being able to read again.

8. What has been the biggest challenge of this year?
My health.  It is always a challenge, but there have been more challenges this year, particularly with the development/worsening/instability of my diabetes.  I have also had a huge number of infections that have required something like thirteen or fourteen courses of antibiotics throughout the year.

9. What is your happiest/fondest memory of this year?
I have two that are of particular note.  The first was a moment with my younger brother, C, that I can't fully explain.  It was in the couple of days I had in Cambridgeshire after my Addenbrooke's hospital admission, and in my brother's back garden.  I can't really describe the moment adequately, but it was a moment of closeness with him ... a unity and togetherness.

The second happy memory was an afternoon I had a couple of weeks ago with my nephews O and D.  My brother, M, and his two children were visiting from London, primarily so that M could sort a few things around Dad's will/belongings.  He only had one full day to do this so I offered to look after the boys for the afternoon on that day.  I took them first to Vincenzos for lunch - they're big fans of pizza and have been to Vincenzos lots of time before with me and my brother, and in the past with Dad too.  After that we went to the Centre for Life where they had a brilliant time for the next four hours!  I hardly ever get to have my nephews to myself like this so it was a very special day for me, and I know that the boys enjoyed it too.  M had given O their emergency mobile so he could call if anything went wrong with me (health wise), and also if he just wanted to call.  O decided he did want to call his daddy while we sitting in the planetarium just so he could tell him what an excellent time he was having, and that he was very excited that he was about to watch a film about something called Hubble 25.  I had explained that Hubble is a big telescope and camera in space and it's been up there for 25 years, all of which really grabbed O's interest.

10. Of what one creation of the past year are you most proud or pleased?
Hmm, this is tricky as I've made a few things that I've been really pleased with, but I guess one of the things that I was very pleased with was a Christmas present I made for my friend R - some planter labels I painted on small wooden spoons.

This isn't the best photo, but it's the only photo I have of them, and it was taken before they were varnished.  Mind you, the varnish was satin so it didn't make them particularly shiny.  It was more for protection of the paint than anything else.

11. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?
I don't think I did take up a new hobby this year, and I didn't really reinstate an old hobby either.  However, there was quite a time over the summer and early autumn that I didn't do much crochet other than the blanket I've been working.  I started a 3-6-5 blanket on 1st January 2015, doing one hexagon a day every day of the year.  With times in hospital and other times of being ill at home I got very, very behind at points, and although I eventually managed to catch up with making the hexagons it took me until sometime in October (I think) to catch up with attaching all those hexagons onto the blanket.  I did manage to catch up, and I actually finished making and attaching the last hexagon at 11.30pm on 31st December 2015, and that was including the few extra hexagons that I had to do to make the blanket a finished shape.  I've spent a fair bit of today working on the border/edging of the blanket, but think I ought to finish it completely over the weekend :)

12. What one thing would you really like to do next year?
There are a few things I can answer to this.  First, I'd like to write more ... write something.  Second, I'd like to lose weight and get a bit fitter.  Third, I'd like to get a haircut with a new style.  The third one is most immediately achievable, and I'm planning on making an appointment at the hairdressers for next week.

13. What was the saddest thing this year?
This is an easy one to answer.  The death of my dad, and then this so immediately followed by my precious Isobel Artemis going missing and never returning.

14. What has been your best discovery of this year?
Two things - the beauty of the part of Wales that I went to in September.  I hadn't been to Wales since I was a child, and never to the southern part of West Wales that I went to this year.  I fell in love with that part of Wales, and it was a brilliant discovery.

The other excellent discovery of this year was a recipe for barbecue sauce that I can have (providing I use a Becky-friendly balsamic vinegar, which isn't easy to come by).  Oh, and this Becky-friendly barbecue sauce goes amazingly with the unlikely deliciousness that is barbecued gem lettuces.  Try them, they're amazing, and make lettuce into something that's actually exciting!

15. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?
Gosh, there have been so many terrible things in the news this year, but I think it's probably been the European refugee crisis, and also the African Ebola crisis.  Both are/have been truly awful, and the migration/refugee situation shows no sign of abating.  I have also been appalled by the UK government's response.

16. What's the best film you've seen this year?
I've only been to the cinema twice this year.  The first time was just a few weeks ago when I tried to go and see 'The Lady in the Van', but it was sold out so ended up seeing 'Brooklyn' instead.  The second film I went to was a couple of days ago when I went to see 'Carol' with my mum and step-dad when I was up with them for Christmas. 'Brooklyn' and 'Carol' are very different films and difficult to compare, but perhaps 'Carol' just pips the other to the post.  Not sure.

17. What was your best buy this year?
No hesitation at all in answering this.  By far my best buy was my gorgeous and delightful kitten Katinka Manjulika.

She is gorgeous, nutty, and has brought me so many smiles and huge laughter.  My precious girl.

18. What has been your best day out this year?
I think probably the day out I mentioned before with my friend Ruth when we went geocaching up at Bamburgh and Holy Island.  It was a day of great fun, great friendship, great weather, great laughter, great silliness, and of pushing myself to do more than I would on my own.

19. If there's one thing you did this year that you'd do differently if you could, what would it be?
I've thought about this, and I'm not sure there's anything major major major that I would do differently, but to put a bit of a spin on the question, if I could have fallen differently on 30th July when I fell in the park whilst trying to show some young friends what fun geocaching could be then I would.  I would have fallen so that I just fell and got muddy rather than fallen and torn my ACL and MCL (in layman's terms, I badly hurt my knee), with which I'm still having problems and for which I'm still having physio.

20. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?
I'd like to go back to Cambridge and not end up in hospital.  I'd like to see my brother C and his family again while I'm down there, catch up with some other friends who live in that direction, and also meet up with my older godson who's now at university in Cambridge.

21. Name one thing that you did this year that you'd like to do again?
I'd love to have my nephews for the day again.  I'd love to take them out somewhere else, perhaps for the full day, doing other fun things, and have another day on my own with those gorgeous boys.  I love being an aunty.

22. Who gave you the best advice this year?
Oh gosh, I don't know.  It was probably my psychologist who is great at giving advice.  Maybe it will turn out to have been the kind of reading programme I'm meant to be doing and before long I'll be back to being able to read.

23. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?
I think I want to learn to knit.  I love crochet, but you can do different things with knitting and I'd like to be able to do those different things.  I've bought a book from which I'm hoping to learn, and it's in the same series as the book from which I learnt to crochet, so I'm hoping it will work for me.  I have lots and lots of yarn, so the only thing stopping me from starting to learn now is the fact that I don't yet own any knitting needles.  Quite a stumbling block, come to think of it.  I'll have to do something about that in the next little while.

24. What was your favourite TV/radio programme this year?
Okay, this is where I have to confess to my guilty secret of the latter part of the year ... Hawaii Five-0.  It's much more violent than most things I watch, but it is also complete escapism, in part because they always catch the bad guy in the end.  Most of the time it takes itself a bit too seriously, but there are times when that slips and you see it almost mocking itself.  I've been watching all the episodes from all the modern series and loving them!  Also, the theme music is fabulous!

25. What would you like to make more time for next year?
Probably writing.  And reading.  I need to be able to write.  I desperately want to be able to write, and not just my blog, but the other things that I wish I'd been able to write last year.

I think I also need to make more time for time with friends.  I have seen friends this last year, definitely, but there have been great swathes of time when I haven't seen many friends, mainly because I've felt so poorly so much of the time and haven't had the energy to go out and meet up with folk.  And leading on from that, or perhaps incorporating it, I need to make more time for church.  Again, I haven't got there much over the past year because I've felt so ill so much of the time, so I'm hoping to be able to get back to church, and because many of my friends also go to church I will see them more too.

26. What has been the biggest disappointment this year?
Hmmm...this is a tricky one to answer.  I know what the answer is, but I'm not sure it's something I want to put into the public domain.  Let me see ... I guess it's the way a particular relationship turned out.

27. What was the best or most enjoyable concert you went to this year?
I went to two concerts of particular note.  The first was The Proclaimers, which was excellent, but it's the second that gets my vote for the best and that was Bellowhead.  They are the most excellent band who I have always loved seeing live.  They fill the place, whatever the place, with joy, and I have always come out of their gigs feeling, 'This is what living is about!'  Extremely sadly they are disbanding after something like thirteen years together, so the gig I went to at the end of November will be the last of their gigs that I ever go to, but it was absolutely fantabulously brilliant with dancing not just in the seats, not just in the aisles, but dancing around the aisles - folk doing the conga around the auditorium.  Such a brilliant atmosphere, and all the guys and gals on stage obviously loving it too.  As my seat (or rather, wheelchair space) was on the far side of the auditorium from the exit I had to wait until most folk had left before I could cross the auditorium to go.  However, while I waited for people to leave I noticed that a couple of the band members had come back onto the stage to clear away their things, so I took the opportunity to trundle over and ask if they'd sign the CD I'd bought in the interval.  They were lovely, friendly, chatty, full of the joy of the gig, and had no qualms at all about signing my CD :D

28. What do you think was the best thing you did for yourself during the last year?
To be a cryptic, I allowed myself to be honest with myself about something that has been surprisingly liberating.

Something completely different and about which I have no need to be cryptic, getting Katinka was definitely a brilliant thing to do for myself.  I know some folk have reservations about me having a cat because of my lungs, but sod it, I'm ill without a cat so I may as well be ill with a cat.  And most importantly, Katinka has brought back my smile and she gives me so much joy.  I was completely miserable after Dad died and Isobel went missing, and ever so lonely.  Katinka has renewed a life in me that was fizzling out and I love her to bits.

29. What is the biggest difference in yourself from this time last year?
Hmm, I'm not sure that I am terribly different in any very significant way ... unless I refer to my cryptic answer to number 28, and that's not actually a difference...

30. What are you most looking forward to about next year?
Having fairly recently been started on insulin for my steroid induced diabetes, I am looking forward to feeling significantly better than I have for quite some time.  After a steady and steep progression in my diabetes, and several times ending up needing to go to A&E with very high blood glucose levels, my GP referred me to the diabetes centre at one of the city's hospitals.  It took several weeks for the referral to come through and for the appointment date to arrive, but once I got to see the consultant I was very impressed, and have continued to be extremely impressed with the service the diabetes nurses provide.  They are gradually titrating up my insulin dose (currently on 18 units of biphasic insulin) and I am in very regular contact with the diabetes nurses while they do this.  I will be seeing the consultant again in three months, by which time I'm hoping to be feeling a huge improvement.  I'm already feeling a lot better than I was, and it's only as I begin to feel this improvement that I realise quite how utterly dreadful I had been feeling the entire time before, so roll on the rest of the improvement!  I can't wait!

Getting back to it

Well hello there, folks!  Even the most unobservant of you will have noticed that it's a very long time indeed since I last posted, but now it's time that I got back to it, back to you.

It's been a difficult five months or so since my last blog post with two bouts of pneumonia (I told you there was no such thing as a simple cold for a severe asthmatic!); time in hospital; the death of a very long-standing and dear friend; the death of my beloved cat, Zach, who had been my loving (although crazy and psychotic) companion since he was four or five weeks old almost seventeen years ago; the diagnosis of Impaired Glucose Tolerance (IGT), or pre-diabetes, with a major contributory factor being the long-term high-dose oral steroids I take for my lungs; and still working through some of the stresses of last year, both in my own time and with my psychologist.

Is it any wonder I've needed a bit of space from writing about it all on my blog?

However, despite all of that there have been some good times and some good things in the last few months too.  In recent weeks, one of the things that has helped to bring back my smile has been my new little kitten, Isobel Artemis.  This photo was taken when she was just three to four weeks old and I went to meet her for the first time.

Isobel came to live with me on the day that she turned eight weeks old, and this photo is from her first evening with me.

As you can see, she'd grown a bit, but she was still so small (especially in comparison to the size my lovely Zach boy had been) that I kept looking at her and thinking, 'You're so small, you can't be real!'  She was quite unsure of her new surroundings for a couple of days, although she seemed to feel safe enough, judging by how relaxed she was first thing in the morning of her first full day...

She's now completely settled in, a complete delight, and totally nuts :o)  Her mother was half Bengal, which of course makes Isobel a quarter Bengal.  She has some of the traits, particularly being talkative with a variety of little chirrups as well as the more conventional meows and purrs; and she has just a couple of the Bengal spots on her side; but I wasn't sure how many of the other traits she'd have.  One thing Bengal cats are known for is a liking of water, and yesterday Isobel had her first encounter with water.  It was the middle of the afternoon and she decided it was cuddle time, which is lovely and usually not a problem, except that I happened to be in the bath at the time!  Despite having her feet already immersed in the bath water, she walked along my legs into deeper water (my legs were at a slight angle due to the bath lift I use), patted it with her paw as if gently attacking it, walked back up my legs, looked at me quizzically, leapt out of the bath, ran around the flat in crazy mode, scurried back into the bathroom, leapt back into the bath, missed her footing on me and got absolutely drenched.  She ended up very spiky, utterly bemused, extremely soggy, and yet wanting more.  I don't really want to end up sharing all my baths with the cat from now on - that would be weird! - but it was very amusing, and I have to say that she's incredibly silky soft today.

I could probably post photos of Isobel ad infinitum, but I'll restrain myself (for now) and tell you some more of the better things that have been going on for me in recent times.

So, at the end of April my mum turned seventy, shortly followed by my step-dad at the beginning of this month, so between the two birthdays we had a family week away in celebration.  Mum, J (step-dad), my brother M, his wife, N, and their children, O and D, and my brother C, his wife, S, and their son, J, hired a 'cottage' in Shropshire.  The 'cottage' was in the grounds of a manor house with several other 'cottages' (mostly far too big to be called cottages), and amongst other things a huge building that contained a large games room and banqueting hall.  We'd arrived on the Friday, and on the Sunday we had a big party for Mum and J in the banqueting hall with various other factions of the family coming to join us for the day.  Most of the folk who came to the party were from J's side of the family, and it was great to have a chance to meet some of them for the first time, some for the first time since Mum and J got married over twenty years ago, and to chat to others who I have seen more recently but haven't had the opportunity for a good catch-up.

There are always some tensions when families get together for prolonged periods, but on the whole I don't think we did too badly, and I did have a good time.  There were times when I felt a bit 'spare part-ish' and lonely, because I was the only one who didn't have someone else, and a couple of days when I ended up spending much of the day on my own while others went off in their family groups, but I tried to make the most of it, and did have some good times.  I also had some very enjoyable times with my brothers and their families during trips out, and I really valued the time to get to know my youngest nephew, J, a bit better.  I don't get to see him very much, so even at age three, he didn't really know who I was, but by the end of the week he was inviting me to his next birthday party ... in February next year.  I do hope I get to see him (and his parents, of course!) rather more now and we can have the kind of aunty-nephew relationship I have with O and D.

What else has been good?  Well, I've been learning to crochet.  In my review of the year at the end of last year, and I think also at the end of the previous year, I said that I wanted to learn to crochet.  I sort of learnt a little bit in 2012, but not at all confidently, and I couldn't do it with any accuracy without having someone who knew what they were doing to guide me.  Earlier this year my friend R was off work for a few weeks.  Early on in her recovery from the surgery she had I went to visit her and happened to mention that I wanted to learn to crochet, and much to my delight she said that she did to and we set up a plan to learn together.  I'd bought a book (A Little Course in Crochet) a few weeks before in anticipation of teaching myself and we decided to use it as our tutor.  We met up frequently during R's recuperation, working methodically through the book, and practising on our own between times.  We still haven't reached the end of the book, and R is now back at work, but I feel like I can call myself a crocheter.  I can actually make things, things with straight edges where they're meant to be straight, and with corners where there are meant to be corners.  I've made all sorts of things, albeit mainly those in the book, but that's the beauty of the book, because it teaches you a skill and then gives you a project to make using the skill it's just taught.  R and I don't meet now like we did, but I'm still crocheting, I think she is too, and we certainly plan to get together for more creative crocheting times.  It's so relaxing, and actually it really helped me after Zach died.

So having heard what has been, I guess I should say a little about what is.  Right at the moment my priority is trying to keep breathing.  The weather has been lovely recently with lots of sunshine, but the air has been thick with humidity - around 60% to 75% according to the Met Office - and that's been causing me problems.  That and the high pollen count.  As much as I love going out in the sunshine - and I really need to get the vitamin D given my osteomalacia - I've had to spend a fair amount of this lovely weather indoors, breathing the clearer air produced by the ventilation system in my flat.  Even then I've had some very troublesome days and nights with my breathing, and have generally been quite exhausted.  I've put my steroids back up from 45mg to 60mg, and have been having extra nebs, but I'm also thankfully due to see my asthma consultant on Thursday.  I don't expect him to have any magic answers or even the glimpse of any new treatment, but at least he'll know where things are up to.

To be honest, it hasn't been too much of a hardship having to be inside at home.  Sure, I'd love to be outside enjoying the sun and the warmth, but I've also spent lots of time with Isobel and have been taking great delight in her.  We've played a lot, had lots of cuddles, and she's been learning the word no when she's looked up at the curtains with rather too much interest ;o)

I think that I'd better sign off for now as it's getting late, but I'll be back a whole lot sooner than I was last time.

Review of the year 2013

It's that time again when many of us take some time to look back at the year that has been.  2013 has been a difficult year for me, but I'm still going to do the annual review, so here goes...

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?  Probably just surviving it.  It's been tough in many different ways, and there were lots of times when I really doubted that I would get through.  I'm still alive, and I reckon that's a huge achievement for this year.

2. What made you laugh most this year?  Hmm ... I've had some good laughs with friends, particularly R and M.  Other than that, probably (repeats of) the TV show 'Miranda'.  Oh, and I went to see Eddie Izzard earlier in the year too, and he was very funny.
3. What unfulfilled hopes do you have for this past year?  I really wanted to get my book about my asthma finished, but I had a long, long time this year when I wasn't able to write at all.  I've done a bit to add to it, but not enough.
4. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?  Hmm, tricky ... Probably not one single piece of music.  I've gone back to listening to a lot of church choral music this year, maybe because I've done more singing again.  I miss taking part in that kind of music, making the music, but I do love listening to it, so I've listened to a lot of CDs of excellent church/cathedral choirs singing anthems and canticles.
5. What was your best holiday this year?  I've only had one holiday this year - when I went to Dorset, with stop-offs on the way and way back at Stratford and Derbyshire.  It was excellent, and revitalising. 
6. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?  I'm not sure that I have.  I'll have a think and get back to you if I come up with anything, but I'm not sure there's anything.
7. What's the best book you've read this year?  Oh gosh.  I usually read a lot, but for much of this year I found it very difficult to concentrate on reading so I've only read about eight books!  However, the best of those was probably 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom.  It's a memoir based around Mitch Albom's weekly meetings with his old university professor who now, twenty years after their first meeting, is dying.  It's a moving book, with both sadness and joy, but always full of life.
8. What has been the biggest challenge of this year?  Depression and the various reasons behind it, but particularly one very difficult situation that I haven't been able to write about on my blog, but that had repercussions through many aspects of my life.  In some rather complicated ways it got kind of tangled up with physical health stuff as well as depression, but things are at last settling.
9. What is your happiest/fondest memory of this year?  Despite the year's difficulties, I've been extremely lucky to have the friends I do, and my fondest memories of this year are those of fabulous friends who have shown me such love and gentleness, often at times when I was at my lowest.
10. Of what one creation of the past year are you most proud or pleased? I'm pretty pleased with some of the writing I have managed to do for my book, maybe in part because it's been so challenging to write, but if we're thinking of more artistic creations then I guess the piece of glass that I made at a glass workshop in November.  So far as skill is concerned, there was very little in it, but I know the frame of mind I had been in the morning of that day, how insecure and incapable I'd been feeling.  I got the fired pieces back just before Christmas, and I'm really pleased with the main piece that I spent most of the workshop working on.
11. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?  Singing.  Actually, that's not strictly true, because I helped to start up Flotsam (the choir) at the end of 2012, but I've kept at it this year, despite the hospital admissions and various health problems.  This year I also took part in the Christmas choir at church, which I haven't done for about three years.  We don't usually have a choir at the church I go to, but every year at Christmas those of us who want have six or seven rehearsals in the weeks running up to Christmas and 'perform' at the service of Nine Lessons and Carols.  It was lovely to be a part of that again.
12. What one thing would you really like to do next year?  Finish writing my book about my asthma.
13. What was the saddest thing of this year?  There has been a lot of sadness this year.  One was at the beginning of the year when my dad had to move in to a care home; another, just a few short weeks ago, was the death of my wonderful friend Caroline.
14. What has been your best discovery of this year?  Probably the company Good Wine Online who specialise in sulphite-free and low-sulphite wines.  I'm extremely allergic to sulphites and have missed having a glass of wine, because sulphite-free wines are practically impossible to find in the shops.  I was very, very lucky to be given a case of twelve bottles of wine from GWO from my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas.
15. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?  Gosh, a year of many news stories, with many of them being of particular note.  Possibly the two international news stories that I most remember are 1) The chemical weapons attack on the children in Syria; and 2)  The gunmen's siege of the shopping centre in South Africa.  Having said that, the news of Nelson Mandela's death was also significant.  I think a lot of the news stories about freak weather events, both abroad and in the UK, have also had a big impact on me - things that no-one can prevent and have potential to affect all regardless of status or wealth.  There seem to be increasing numbers of wild weather events causing widespread devastation.
16. What's the best film you've seen this year?  Another year when I haven't seen even half of the films I've wanted to see.  I've yet to see Philomena or Gravity, both of which or on my list to see before it's too late.  Perhaps the best film I saw this year was Les Miserables.
17. What was your best buy this year?  I think that has to be my Ugg boots.  Obviously I didn't get much wear from them through the summer, but they were great through the very cold spring and excellent again now.  My mum helped me buy them, and they were at her suggestion after I got frostbite in three of my toes in my left foot in February (actually, the night I went to see Les Miserables at the cinema).  My big toe has never fully recovered, and the circulation in my feet seems to be pretty poor, but the Ugg boots certainly help to keep my feet cosy.
18. What has been your best day out this year?  I was thinking about this in bed earlier today, trying to think of days out that I've had, and you know, they've been rather few and far between this year.  I had a nice day out with my brother, Dad, and step-mum around Easter time (I think my brother came up on his own, without his wife or children).  We went to Belsay and had a walk/trundle through the quarry garden to the castle.  Other than that, the other day/part-day out that sticks out was the glass workshop I mentioned earlier.
19. If there’s one thing you did this year that you’d do differently if you could, what would it be?  There was a misunderstanding and over-reaction (on my part) that led to an argument with an online friend.  It was resolved relatively quickly with the person it was actually with, but someone else jumped in on the act and raised it again months later.  If I could change that initial argument, misunderstanding, and over-reaction, I would.
20. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?  Yes, there's a place nearby that opened almost two years ago, but to which I haven't yet been and want to.  It's a sculptured landscape called Northumberlandia and is only about 20 minutes drive away so I really don't have any excuse.
21. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again?  The glass workshop.  Once I let go of the mangle of stuff in my head that day, I had a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I know that I will do it again because I got a voucher for Christmas from my step-dad for a full day's workshop at the same place :o)
22. Who gave you the best advice this year?  My psychologist.  She's given me lots of advice, or at least helped me to find my own advice, seeing as that's how therapy kind of works.  Actually, one of the best pieces of advice she did clearly give me was to share with my friends that I was depressed.  I was distancing myself from people, from my friends, in the fear that they'd distance themselves from me if they knew that I was depressed.  S made me realise the paradox in this and helped me to question the helpfulness of my action.  She suggested I tell some of them.  I have been blessed with wonderful friends who have embraced me in my depression and loved me through it.  I know it's not easy for them, but they've stayed with me all the same.  I thank God for them, and I thank S for her advice.
23. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?  I've forgotten the scraps of crochet that I learnt last year, but I'd like to learn to do it, and this time properly.  I need to persevere with it once I've started, and really acquire it as a skill.
24. What was your favourite TV/radio programme this year?  Broadchurch  I think I missed the first episode, but I saw the second with my mum and J when they were staying with me for a couple of days.  I got completely sucked in to it and loved it.  I was ridiculously excited when I discovered that West Bay, near where I went on my holiday, was where Broadchurch was filmed.  Fab.  Can't wait for a second series.
25. What would you like to make more time for next year?  Writing.  I have lots of time.  In many ways, far too much time, but I need to make sure that I dedicate a decent amount of that time to writing.  I need to stop thinking about it and just do it.  I need to stop talking about it and just do it.  I just need to do it.
26. What has been the biggest disappointment this year?  Most of the year has been a huge disappointment, and perhaps the resurgence of depression has been one of the biggest disappointments.  Some of the causes of some of that depression have maybe been bigger disappointments, but I suppose that ultimately I've been hugely disappointed in myself.  I have lost direction and lost some of myself, and that is an enormous disappointment.
27. What was the best or most enjoyable concert you went to this year?  Nigel Kennedy He's an odd chap, but a fantastic violinist, and his concert was amazing.  A huge mix of straight baroque, jazzed up baroque, and jazz, with a big eastern European influence at times.
28. What do you think was the best thing that you did for yourself during the last year?  Stood my ground when I needed to, even though it was incredibly difficult.  I sought the help that I needed to stand my ground, and to get through the protracted aftermath of it.  It was terrible in many ways, but has also been a huge relief - a step to getting myself back.
29. What is the biggest difference in yourself from this time last year?  I'm no longer in an abusive situation and I'm finding my way through the damage that was done.
30. What are you most looking forward to about next year?  Time with friends and time with family.  It's both my mum's and step-dad's 70th birthdays next year, and between the two they're having a joint birthday week away with all the family.  There's going to be immediate family like myself, my brothers, and my step-dad's brothers, but also extended family of my step-dad's nephews and their families.  I think various people will be coming and going through the week, but there's going to be one day of particular celebration when all those who can only come for the day will join us.  I'm really looking forward to the time away and the time with family.

A little bit of a few things

I'm far too aware that it's far, far too long that I wrote a proper post, any post at all in fact, but particularly a proper one.  I haven't even finished showing you photos of my holiday, but it's even longer since I actually wrote anything.  Part of my absence is because I've been trying to gather myself.  This year has been tough, very tough, in many different ways.  I've shared some of the depression here, and some of the physical illness, and some of the other stresses, but there's been a fair bit that I haven't shared.  Some of it I can't talk about here, not yet anyway, but I think it's enough for the moment just to say that there's more going on behind the scenes than most are aware of.

I've needed a bit of space.  My holiday helped, but there's always a certain amount of post-holiday gathering that needs to be done to get one back in to the real world.  That can be tough when the real world has been tough.

I still have a fair amount going on - difficult things/situations  to deal with - but I'm slowly beginning to feel a bit more ... more me.  I think the start of term has helped somewhat, not that I'm a student these days, but choir (Flotsam) only runs through term time, and it just feels like there's generally a bit more structure around with other things going on.  Having said that, I did sign up for a short writing course at Newcastle University again.  It's actually a course - Memoir Writing -  that I did as a module towards my MA, but the short modules are open to the public too.  After not having my brain function in the right way for 'proper writing' almost all year, I was feeling closed up, blocked, trapped, and I thought that the short course might help to open things up again.  It did.  Six weeks of prompting, encouragement, recapping on technical aspects, etc really helped, and I wrote close to 10,000 words towards my book.  After almost a year of practically zero words, that's a huge improvement.  I hope I can keep up the momentum, but finding motivation for anything is still challenging at times.

One major difference between now and a few months ago is that I am able to look forward to things.  I was trying to keep putting things in the diary before, but mustering up a sense of excited anticipation for anything I would ordinary have looked forward to wasn't happening.  I'm a way up that hole now and can enjoy the anticipation of good things ahead.  Last weekend I went over to a friend's for chocolate fondue with a few others to help R celebrate her birthday.  I had a lovely evening with lovely people, lovely fondue, and a fun game of Apples to Apples, which I'd never heard of before.

On Tuesday a couple of us went to a local fireworks display.  Twenty to thirty minutes or so of colourful explosions filling the dark November sky really does help to blow dust from the brain - that and friendship :o)

Tomorrow afternoon I'm joining some friends for a workshop in glass work.  I'm not quite sure what it's going to involve, but I'm really looking forward to it.  The anticipation of fun with others, learning something new, something creative, making something, it's all good, and I love that I can enjoy the anticipation.

There's been some health stuff going on over the past couple of weeks.  I don't really want to discuss it at the moment because I don't have firm answers yet.  I've had various blood tests, and have another - hopefully the last for a while - on Monday, after which I'm hoping my GP will give me some of those answers.  When he does I'll tell you about it, but to be honest, I've been finding it all rather overwhelming lately and haven't wanted to think about it too much while I still don't have a truly confirmed diagnosis, even though the doctor is 90% certain of his preliminary diagnosis.

Part of the process of gathering myself has been evaluating where I'm at in a slightly more general way than just the immediate present.  For quite some time I've had ideas of possibilities for myself and my life, but they all ground to a halt when I got trapped in the great pit of depression.  In reality, the possibilities never really disappeared, but I was so far down the pit that I couldn't see the possibilities over the top of the hole.  I'm climbing out of that pit now, and every so often I get a little glimpse of things that are waiting at the top.  I've caught sight of one of those possibilities, and after failing to believe it for a while, I'm now thinking that maybe it could happen - maybe I'll get out of the pit, climb over the edge, and have those possibilities become realities.  I'm digging a foothold in to the edge of this hole to give me more of a grasp to the edge.  I'm trying to climb up and eventually out, and one of the things I've done that I'm hoping will get me out is arrange a meeting.  I have a meeting next week with one of the professors in the English department at Newcastle University to informally discuss the possibilities of doing a PhD in creative writing.  There are a lot of things around it to discuss, with funding being a major issue, and my health not being insignificant either, but it's something I want to do.  I do.  I really want to do it.  You know, even ten years ago I didn't think I was intelligent enough even to do an undergraduate degree, but I got a First class honours in my BA.  I actually started my post graduate studies during my last year of my undergraduate degree so got my Post Graduate Certificate in creative writing within a month of undergrad degree ceremony.  A year later I got my MA.  I want to go further.  I want to do a PhD, and not just for the sake of it, or to prove anything to myself or anyone else.  I want to do it because I love learning, I know what my proposal would be, I know what I want to get out of it, and there might be possibilities for me once I've done it.  The earliest I could possibly start would be next September, but I know too what I would do between now and then - the book that I've been working on for a while.  The meeting next Wednesday is one huge mass of possibilities, and the outcome of it could have a huge impact on the rest of my life, even though it's informal.

This, all of this, the possibility of a PhD, the love of education, what I get from writing, what I hope I give through writing, my music, my singing, my health, my creativity, my friends, my friendships, fireworks, games, fondue, and words, these are the things that help make up me.  These are my possibilities.  These are all important in rediscovering myself.  Gathering them all together again, back in to the pot of me, takes time because they've been spilled out and scattered in dark corners of the pit, but I'm finding them again, and I'm more hopeful that before too long I'll be standing at the top of that deep hole and shouting, 'Hello folks, I'm me again.'

Time out

I'm still up in Edinburgh till tomorrow evening, but I've had a lovely break while I've been here.  I did a great deal of not very much over Easter weekend, except for a couple of trundles round the pond in the nearby park, and a slightly longer venture into the park and surrounding area last Sunday.  It's great to be able to go for a trundle and enjoy some time in the park with Mum and J, because there have been so many times over recent years when my lungs and the POTS have meant that I just haven't been up to it.  Taz makes it possible, so whilst it's not great that I need to use the wheelchair, it's great that I've got it and that it enables me to make the most of life.

Mum and J live in a lovely part of Edinburgh, and although it's only a couple of miles outside the city centre, it's very leafy and the local park is lovely.  They have a sizeable garden at the front of the house (not massive, but big enough to be called sizeable), and Mum likes to leave food out for all the little birds.  But while I've been here it hasn't just been the blackbirds, robins, wood pigeons, etc that have been visiting the garden, but also a tawny owl.  I've heard it in the area most nights, hooting its hooo-hooo-hoooooo, and its occasional ke-wick, sometimes in the distance, but often much closer.  At about 2.30am one night I was lying in bed unable to sleep when I heard it very close by, so I got up to peer out of the window and see if I could see it.  Sure enough, it was sitting in the copper birch tree just outside my bedroom at the end of the garden.  At first I wasn't sure if what I was seeing was the owl, but it was soon confirmed when it started to hoot and everytime it did it tossed its head up, as if it was saying, 'I'm a very proud owl.  Listen to what I have to say.'  Then it would ruffle its tail feathers before doing the whole thing again.  I watched it for several minutes before climbing back into bed, but the owl stayed where it was and hooted into the night.  I fell asleep soon after getting back into bed, nicely relaxed, smiling, and marvelling at the beauty of nature.

I think that was possibly on Tuesday, and that I hadn't been able to sleep because it'd been a rather mixed day.  It had been the funeral of my friend J in afternoon, but of course I hadn't been able to go to the funeral because of being up here.  I'd had some quiet time in the afternoon thinking about her and praying for her and her family and I'd felt a bit pensive and sad.  I'd also been concerned about my friend R who was having an operation in Newcastle that day, so I was very mindful of her and had been wondering how things had gone.  Thankfully all seems to have gone as well as could be expected, and while she's in some pain, she seems to be mending and is hoping to get home soon.

After a day of contemplation and thinking about my friends, in the evening Mum, J and I had gone to the theatre to see South Pacific.  It was great fun.  I've seen it once before many years ago in Newcastle, and this production possibly wasn't quite as vibrant as that one had been, but it was still well worth seeing, and some of the actors had fantastic singing voices.  The actress who played the part of Bloody Mary was particularly good and Mum and I both came home with Bloody Mary's song 'Bali Hai' (or however it's spelled) going round in our heads.  Actually, we still both keep breaking out into song with that one every so often.  Either that or 'I'm Going to Wash That Man Right Out of my Hair', which I don't think pleases J too much ;oP  (not that he has anything to worry about.  Mum and J were curled up on the sofa together yesterday evening, and next year they celebrate 20 years of marriage).

So I pretty sure that it was Wednesday afternoon that we got the bus all the way across town to the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art to see the Edvard Munch exhibition.  If any of you are up in Edinburgh between now and the middle of September, and you like modern art, then this exhibition is definitely worth seeing.  It doesn't have many (if any) of Munch's paintings, but instead is largely comprised of his lithographs and woodblock prints, although a number of these were subjects that he also painted.  One of these - 'Meloncholy' - is a painting that I examined and commented on as part of the last End of Course of Assessment for the last module of my undergraduate degree, so I was particularly interested in seeing the woodblock print of this.  As the title suggests, it's not a cheery picture, but then Munch wasn't a cheery fellow, having lost both his parents when he was young and a beloved older sister not long after that.  Many of the pictures reflect a deep sadness, almost a depression, and certainly a mourning for those he loved who had died, but there is the occasional relief too when looking round the exhibition.  Yes, definitely worth seeing if you get the chance.

I had a quiet day on Thursday, and have spent many peaceful hours on this trip north sitting doing cross-stitch.  I'm working on one called 'Birds on Wisteria'

This image is taken from the website from where I bought the kit, rather than being the finished product of my work.  I haven't actually finished it yet, although I have done a huge amount while I've been here and don't suppose it'll be all that long until I do finish it.  I love cross-stitch.  It's so relaxing, totally absorbing, and very satisfying.  It hasn't been easy doing all the sewing I have with my hand still mending after last month's surgery, but as I'm mostly just holding the material and hoop with my left hand it's not too bad, although the scar is quite painful so I hope I'm not doing it any harm.  Anyway, I've been enjoying doing the cross-stitch, and pretty much the only thing I did on Thursday was go into town on the bus to get some more of one colour of thread for the cross-stitch as I'd made a major mistake and had had to unpick about eight hours worth of work!  This had been extremely annoying, but more than that, it had meant that I didn't have enough of that colour to finish the piece.  Thankfully I was able to find the right colour in town, so came back after that little adventure and set back to sewing.

I didn't actually do a huge amount of cross-stitch that evening as we had my friend O and her husband A round for dinner, which was lovely.  I met O through the Open University after we'd both studied the creative writing module A215.  O is fab, and I love spending time with her so it was great that she and A came round on Thursday evening, and so very kind of my mum to cook a fabulous meal for us all.  It was a very lovely evening with great food and lots of interesting and varied conversation.

I saw O again on Friday as we'd booked in for a salty experience at The Salt Cave.  We went there together last summer, and while I don't know if its claims of being a successful treatment for lots of different medical conditions (including asthma) are true, it is certainly a very relaxing experience.  It also hasn't done me any harm, and to be fair, my nose has felt really clear after both times that I've been.  This time, O and I were the only people booked in for the four o'clock session so we had the place to ourselves.  Not long after we'd made ourselves comfortable, the lights were dimmed, the salty air machine (or whatever it is) was put on, and gentle music that combined the sound of waves lapping up onto a shore was played into the room.  We both fell asleep.  We also both came out rather salty, with a thin covering of white salt having to be dusted off the front of our clothes before we left the room, and my lips were still salty when I got home.

So then there was Saturday and Mum, J and I walked/trundled off through The Meadows in the afternoon for a relatively short visit to The National Museum of Scotland.  I hadn't known before I went there this time that they have a few pieces of Benin art, but when I read this on the back of the floorplan we were given as we went in I was particularly interested in seeing them as I'd studied some Benin art history in the last module for undergraduate degree.  Mum and J have obviously been to the museum several times, but apparently they haven't yet managed to get beyond the first or second floor.  The pieces of Benin art are on the fifth floor, so they hadn't seen these and were all up for rectifying this when I told them what I know about the history of them.  There's only one display case with Benin art in it, but it's amazing stuff, and the rest of the stuff in that room is fantastic too.  We took a slow wander around the displays in that room and the adjoining one, then went for a mooch around the museum shop before walking/trundling home again.  It was good to take our time over a small section of the museum and to come away feeling as though we'd had some focus on what we'd seen.  None of us felt overloaded with information or overwhelmed by too many artifacts, and it was such a pleasant day - crisp, but bright and not too chilly - that the walk/trundle either way had topped it off.

Finally, Saturday evening saw us going to the cinema to see 'The Artist'.  Mum and J had seen it before, but both quite wanted to see it again, and as I hadn't seen it I was up for it, especially after all the excellent reviews I've heard about it.  Oh, and of course it won all those Oscars too.  It's a great film!  I reckon Mum's right when she says that she thinks it'll become a classic.  It almost seems as though it already is, or ought to be, because its a silent film in black and white.

It's ages since I've been to the cinema, probably a year or maybe even longer.  I've wanted to go to things, but just when I've started to make plans to go I've got ill and ended up in hospital so I think the last thing I saw at the cinema was the final Harry Potter film.  It was either that or 'The King's Speech', whichever of those was the most recent.  Anyway, I got to 'The Artist' tonight/last night, and it was fab.  Mum and J go to a little independent cinema called The Dominion, for which they have Gold Membership.  This basically means that they pay an annual subscription and then get reduced tickets to all the films they go to through the year, and they also get extra comfy seats.  When I say 'extra comfy' you need to be thinking of reclining leather seats with foot rests, so it's like lying on a sofa.  Oh, and they get free drinks and crisps too with their membership.  It's brilliant.  I've been a few times with them and I love it every time I go.

So that's been my stay up north in Edinburgh.  Back home tomorrow evening/this evening (Sunday) and back to university next week, but hopefully I'll be going back feeling more refreshed than I have for a while.  My lungs are a little iffy, but they're manageable, and maybe the TLC and the time out that I've had over the past ten days will have built up my resilience a little.

Here's hoping for an easy journey home.

Catch up

It's way over time since I blogged.  Sorry about that, but here I am now.  Since I was last here I think I've got used to the idea of being discharged from the mental health services ... sort of, though I still haven't heard anything from health psychology.  Next week will be the four week marker since my GP said he'd refer me, so I guess if I haven't heard anything by then it might be an idea to get back to my GP and ask if he can chase it up, seeing as he'd said I should hear within four weeks.

I've been somewhat distracted from all the mental health stuff recently, which is probably no bad thing, except that the distraction has been carpal tunnel syndrome surgery on my left hand.  You may remember that I had the same surgery on the right hand at the beginning of December, which has pretty much healed now.  I can still feel some stiffness in the area of the surgery and some slightly altered sensation around the scar, but mostly it's pretty good and the scar is hardly visible.  I had the same operation done on the left hand last Thursday (15th March).  I had to be at the hospital for 8am so W, who was going to be looking after me in the immediate aftermath, came to stay on the Wednesday night.  We actually had a really lovely evening as we went for an early pizza at the Italian restaurant down the road - Vincenzo's (used to be called Peppy's) - before going to Northern Stage to see the comedian Chris Addison, who was very funny.  It was just what I needed to take my mind of the next day's surgery :o)

All went well with the surgery, although I had to wait until the end of the operating list because of being MRSA positive, so I didn't actually go down to theatre until just after midday.  However, I was back on the ward by 12.50pm and we were back home by 2pm!

As was the case when I had the surgery on my right hand, I've had quite a lot of pain, but I've mostly kept it under control with paracetamol, codeine, and nefopam.  Today has been the first day without the sling, and it's been great to have a bit more freedom, although my hand and arm have been quite achy.

So anyway, W was brilliant and looked after me wonderfully all day Thursday and she stayed until Friday evening.  My mum then came from Friday evening until Tuesday afternoon, and it was so lovely to spend some quality time with her while I'm not in hospital.  It was also very lovely to have her here on Mothering Sunday :o)  My dad came round for lunch on the Saturday as well, which was also very lovely.  Mum had made roasted red pepper and sweet potato soup, cheese scones, and courgette and cheese muffins, which were all delicious :o)  After we'd enjoyed the little feast the three of us went for a walk/trundle in one of the local parks, then came back for a cup of tea before Mum took Dad back home.  My parents split up when I was nine years old, and for many years they had a volatile relationship after that.  Lovely times with both my parents (especially just with the three of us) have been a rarity in my life, and it may well be something like thirty years since I've had such a lovely time with them on my own as I had on Saturday.  It felt special somehow.  My parents have known each other since they were sixteen years old, and I think they both enjoyed talking about those young days together...

I hope we can all do it again sometime.

Mum and I had been going to go out to a National Trust place on Sunday - to Gibside - but Mum had also wanted to catch up with one of her friends and the only time this friend could manage was sometime on Sunday afternoon.  Still, we went for a walk/trundle in the park and had a nice time together.  And on Monday evening we went to a talk at the university by Tess Gallagher, which was very interesting and good fun too.

During her stay here Mum did a lot of crochet, using one of two books that I gave her for Christmas.  She's been teaching herself and has learnt a lot in such a short time.  She's making various tray-cloths etc at the moment while she teaches herself and practises new stitches/patterns.  They're amazing, and she makes them so quickly.  It made me want to get on with some more cross-stitch.  I ended up buying several online, which were all delivered while Mum was here, and now I'm desperate to be getting on with them.  It's difficult with only one fully-functional hand, but I think I'm going to be giving it a go and seeing how I get on.  I'm impatient!

Mum went home on Tuesday and I'm missing her already.  It won't be long till I see her again though, as I'm going up to Edinburgh in a couple of weeks time for Easter :o)  I booked my train at the beginning of last week and J, my step-dad, has booked the ramp for me to be able to get into their house, so we're all set :o)

Things are still in progress regarding my grant application to Motability.  I've had a couple of phone calls from them, so I know they're considering my application, and I'm hoping that I might hear from them with an answer sometime next week.  I'll let you know when I know.

Well that's about it for now.  A bit of a catch up post.

Busy, busy

Sorry about the lack of postings over the past week.  I've been a tad busy.

I came up to Edinburgh on Saturday to stay with mum for a few days and to catch up with some friends from the Open University, one of whom I've previously only known online.  J and her husband A came up to stay with our mutual friend O, and on Sunday we all got together with another joint friend, F.  It can be odd meeting up with people 'in real life' when you've only ever met in the virtual world before, but as with all the other folk I've met up with from the OU, there was nothing awkward at all about meeting J, and we all had a fab time together.  So much so that we got together again the following day.

I'll write more about what we got up to when I'm back home, but I'd like to include a few photos and I stupidly forgot to bring the cable for my camera up to Edinburgh with me, so I can't transfer pics from the camera to the 'puter.

After a couple of days of jaunting off with friends I settled down yesterday to some study.  I've finished my OU studies now - Hurrah! - but I still have some work to do for my postgraduate certificate, the most pressing of which has been the end of module piece for the last module.  I've been gathering my thoughts for the piece over the last couple of weeks, and I really meant to have completed it by now, but somehow I got tied up with relaxing after finishing my undergraduate studies.  Anyway, I settled to work yesterday and managed to write the piece I needed to write.  All I need to do with it now is print it off and take it into the university for Monday.

Another thing that's been hanging over me is my application for the MA.  It's a natural progression from the PGCert, and should I do well enough on this course then I'll get excemption from the first year of the MA.  So far this is looking hopeful, but it depends a bit on what I get for the piece of work I did yesterday.  However, hopefully I'll get what I need and will be able to move on, but I still need to put in the official application, even if it does seem like something of a formality given that I was last week asked which modules I'd like to do in the MA so they can provide wheelchair accessible classrooms.

Most of the application form for the MA is fairly straight forward, but as on all other academic application forms I've come across, there's that awkward 'Personal Statement' bit.  I hate them.  I hate having to sell myself on paper.  To be honest, I didn't know what on earth I could write that was different from what I wrote on my PGC application last year, and when I mentioned this to someone in the department they said, 'Just put the same.  After all, it worked last time.' :oD  I liked that.  I decided that I'd read through what I'd written last year and probably cut and paste various bits of it, adding any new info that seemed appropriate.  The major flaw in the plan was that the computer seems to have scrambled and eaten the copy I'd kept of last year's personal statement :o(  I spent today coming up with ideas for the new personal statement and then writing it, although it took a lot longer than anticipated as I got terribly distracted by Wimbledon.  After the excitement of the Murray/Kamke match (which wasn't the only match I watched), I eventually got my head together and wrote what I needed to for the MA application.

The other thing that I really need to write is something for my PGC portfolio.  I have the first meeting with my supervisor next Thursday and I have to email her what I've written by next Wednesday evening, the trouble being that I haven't actually written anything yet.  Yes, I've still got time, but I'd prefer not to have made myself be doing it under pressure.  Although I'm going home tomorrow, I'm planning on at least doing some thinking in the morning about what I might write so that I can have it drifting around my head while I drive back to Newcastle in the afternoon/evening.

And when I haven't been writing, panicking about not writing, being distracted from writing by watching tennis on the telly, or meeting up with friends, I've been cross-stitching.  I bought a new one a few weeks ago, and for the first time in years I'm planning on keeping this one for myself once it's done.   I've only just started it, but here's what it's going to look like when it's done:

I love it, although there's a heck of a lot of work involved in it so I imagine it's going to take me a very long time.

So then, back home tomorrow, then a hospital appointment first thing on Friday, followed by a get together with a friend who I haven't seen nearly enough of over recent times, lots of PGC study over the weekend, and onwards into next week.

Sew relaxing

I love doing cross-stitch.  I find it relaxing and can get absorbed in it for hours.  It can be a bit of a strain because of the holmes-adie pupil in my left eye, and before the cataract surgery it was impossible for a while, because I simply couldn't see what I was trying to do.  Since then I've loved getting back to it and have spent many hours luxuriating in the peacefulness of the activity.

I've been working on a cross-stitch Mr Men height chart for my youngest nephew.  I'd been hoping to get it done before he was born in February, but studies and lack of breathing ability got in the way, and J was born on 23rd February without me having finished the cross-stitch.  I'd then been hoping to have it done in time to take the finished product to Yorkshire, but that didn't happen either.  However, I did eventually finish it last night.  Here it is:

I'm really pleased with it.  The stitching itself (and the rectification of mistakes along the way) took ages, but then I had to hem it, weight it, back it, and make it into a hanging thigumy.  There weren't any instructions for any of this so I've had to be creative in working out how to do it, which perhaps makes the finished product more satisfying.

I've already started on the next one, which is a sepia-toned harbour scene for my dad's birthday next month.  Hopefully I'll get it done and framed on time.

Let's get positive

Okay, it's time for some positivity around here. Things have been tough for a while so it's time to spend a little while thinking about and appreciating the good things. Here goes:

+ Holidays and time away with family.
+ Baby cuddles with J, the newest member of the family who will be 12 weeks old tomorrow.
+ Nephew therapy - J, O, and D are all adorable and life-affirming.
+ The restorative qualities of the countryside.
+ Luxuriously long baths with easily controlled water temperature that's just perfect.
+ Friends. They're such special people who give so much, and are a true blessing. I am very lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life, and I thank every one of them for being the person they are.
+ A five minute break in the rain on a wet day when the sun peeps through the cloud and reminds you that the gloom will pass.
+ Cross-stitch and creativity. I love that I can be creative and relax with a little sewing. I'm working on a cross-stitch for baby J - a Mr Men height chart - and I did a little this evening before coming to bed.
+ The ability to consider various perspectives of an argument. I mention this in relation to my studies at the moment, rather than any actual argument. I'm slowly getting round to thinking about the final essay for my OU course, and while we were watching Bhaji on the Beach this evening (a set 'text' for my course) I was having interesting thoughts about it in relation to the essay.
+ Interesting people around me with whom I can have interesting conversations on a wide variety of subjects.
+ Meds that finally seem to be making a bit of an impact on the fluid retention :o) It hasn't gone yet, but progress has been made and I'm slowly deflating :oD
+ Blackbirds. I love their song. This year there's been one for the first time (or the first time that I've noticed) around my flat. There's also one that comes and sings in the courtyard outside the room I usually have in Ward 29, and it didn't let me down during this latest admission. I heard a cheery little blackbird this evening too as I went for a five minute wander with O and D before their bedtime.
+ Dongles and mobile broadband! It is by the power of such things that I come to you now, and through which I'm able to keep up with my online friends even while I'm away or when I'm in hospital.
+ Werther's Originals. A sweet that I'm not allergic to, and that I particularly enjoy, although I usually only have them when I'm in hospital as I seem to forget about them the rest of the time.
+ Good quality sleep. There's nothing quite like a restful night.

Speaking of sleep, I think it's about time that I got on with getting some. I feel better for having done my list of positive things though :o) It can really help to concentrate on the good things sometimes, and to remind oneself of what they are and how lucky one is to have them.

What are the good things in your life right now?