A favourite quote and a way by which to approach life.

Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday.

Monday, 4 April 2016

Hard times

I'm struggling today, feeling very emotional. I'm physically exhausted and emotionally weary,  and I'm sick of being in hospital. It's not quite two weeks since I came in this time - though I've a way to go yet until I'm well enough to be discharged - but I had only been out of hospital for two weeks after a three week admission, and I never did get properly better between times. It takes its toll.

The week after I got out of hospital last time I had various blood tests done at the GP surgery, some of the results of which I'm still waiting. One result I did get was my haemoglobin (Hb) level, which was a surprisingly healthy 136, but since coming into hospital again this has fallen to an anaemic level of 95. This is quite a drop in a relatively short time, but not terribly surprising as, for some reason, I have had/been having a gastrointestinal bleed. There was one day last week - I think it was Thursday or Friday - when it was pretty bad and the doctor was quite concerned, but it has eased off now, so while it hasn't completely stopped it isn't as bad as it was. They had been thinking that I'd need an endoscopy or sigmoidoscopy as soon as I'm off the aminophylline, but today the doctor said that so long as there are no more bigger bleeds then it can probably wait until I'm back in Newcastle. That's fine by me, but the anaemia won't be helping my energy levels or my ability to cope emotionally.

For all that I'm away from home, it's good that I'm in Edinburgh and close to Mum and J. It makes a difference having them around. That said, I feel a long way from my friends in Newcastle and the support they give me. Yes, I'm in contact with them via Facebook and some of them text me or send me private messages through Facebook, but it's not the same. I know that Mum feels the pressure too, not that she in any way begrudges me the visits or the time, but she's not young any more and doesn't have the energy she used to. While I'm in here she's having to make all my food for me too because the hospital can't cater for me with all my allergies, and again she doesn't begrudge
me the time and effort, but it is a lot of work for her. I worry about her getting worn out.

Yes, today everything is getting on top of me and I just want to cry. Occasionally a few tears escape, but my lungs don't yet feel stable enough for me to really let go...then there's also the lack of privacy. I'm in a bay with three others. They're nice enough, but I don't really want an audience for my upset. I want to get out of here. I want some energy and some mental strength too. I want to be better.


vivinfrance said...

and we all want you to be better. We want you to be well enough to cry, to complain, to go home. It is wicked that the hospital can't cope with your allergies, but even if they could, home cooking has to be the better option!

Matt Fischer said...

HI Becky, I hope you feel better soon, I spend a lot of time in the hospital throughout my life for my asthma, allergies, and Eczema. Sometimes life is tough and hope is all we have to hang onto. My thoughts are with you.

I have spent the last 4 years working on tool to help asthmatics to have a better life. We recently launched an IndieGoGo campaign Here is the link: http://bit.ly/1SuzCam

Check out the videos we are trying to get as much support because we know that what we are working on will save live and give the world an unprecedented asthma research platform to accelerate the rate at which asthma research can be done.

Please support us in the campaign and share this with your blog or social media. I am happy to chat if you would like to learn more about the details Matt@controlaplus.com.


Matt Fischer - Founder Controlaplus.com

Unknown said...

Great post!