Returned

I've neglected you again - sorry. I'm back from Edinburgh now though and feeling somewhat refreshed for it. It's also only another 2 weeks until I'm back up there for Christmas so I have that to look forward to and to keep me going :o) It was good to get away even if it wasn't the trip to London that I'd originally planned, and it was good to do very little while I was away too. I think I just needed a change of scenery and a bit of TLC. I'm still hugely disappointed about the methotrexate decision, but I don't crumple every time I think about it now, though I have to say that I have noticed a difference in how my lungs have felt over the last couple of weeks ... it's kind of like they're smaller. I remember now that when I first started taking the methotrexate I felt as though my lungs were enormous, and that I could take a bigger breath. With the withdrawl of the med I'm losing that feeling of space to breathe. I know that some of the drug will still be in my stystem, and in fact it won't have fully worked its way out for upto three months, so the fact that I can already feel a difference after only almost three weeks since my last dose doesn't really bode well, in my opinion. It's tough, but I have to get my head around the finality of the decision, accept it and move on, otherwise I'll end up getting depressed, and it's not worth that. Nothing is worth depression.

Speaking of depression, before I went up to Edinburgh I was slightly concerned that I was edging towards depression, though I didn't want to admit it 'out loud' in case it made it reality (the weird logic of the stressed mind!). Now that I've had a bit of a break and had a rest I feel as though I've got much more of my old spark back. I was low and miserable before my trip, but I managed to avoid a deep slump, which I'm proud of, because a few years ago I'd have been so scared by the upset I was feeling that I may have actually convinced myself into a depression ... if that makes sense. None of the things that were causing the upset have changed, but I've given myself a bit of time to process some of them, I've even allowed myself to be miserable and tearful when I've needed to be, and I've come through the other side. My friends have been around to support me, pray for me, give me hugs, and all those other things that friends do to let you know you matter, they care, and want to help. They help just by being them :o)

So I have returned from Edinburgh, the feeling of ultra-limited lung capacity has returned, but despite the latter my inner sparkle is returning and that is good. The other thing that has been returned is my exam result. I got it earlier this week. I got a first!!! I got 84% in the exam and an overall course mark of 88% !!! This is flipping amazing! :oO <--- that's me being amazed! I spent quite a bit of time in hospital during this course; wrote at least one of my assignments whilst in hospital, on oxygen, still attached to the aminophylline infusion; only had three weeks to revise for the exam because of being in hospital, and for some of that three weeks I was still trying to recuperate and feeling quite unwell; and you may remember that I had the invigilator from hell who kept talking to me throughout the exam. Various other significant things have happened during the course that have impacted upon my studies too, so it can be said with legitimacy that this has certainly been a difficult year and study hasn't been easy. This is why I'm so amazed at my result ... and utterly delighted :oD