I was woken this morning by my carer at the door. A comes once a week and does a marvellous job making my life that little bit easier. Mornings aren't my best time lung-wise, and quite often I'll go back to bed for a while after I've let A in. She gets on with what she can and she brings me a cup of tea or coffee in bed, which is just lovely and such a rarity when you live on your own. This morning I went back to bed, got my lungs working and then went back to sleep instead of getting up. I didn't want to face the day, and actually was completely exhausted too from a very unsettled night. An hour or so later A came in with another cuppa and quietly asked if I was okay. I told her about Emma. Of course A didn't know Emma, but she was saddenned all the same, because that's the kind of caring and sensitive person A is. I got up. A changed the sheets on my bed while I cuddled the cat in the living room, and then she sent me back to bed. I was exhausted, but then last night was an emotion-filled one with little sleep. I made up for it after A left and slept into the afternoon, but this has meant that my day has felt somewhat upside down, and I know that I can't let it be the beginning of a pattern, but today it's okay.
One thing Emma would hate would be for everyone to stop their lives. She was all for living and making the most of things, so I must remember her whilst embracing life, rather than let it slip by in a haze of sadness. Yes, I will mourn her. Yes, I will think of her often and contemplate the ways in which she's touched my life and the lives of many around the world, but I have to keep living, we have to keep living. It was Emma's wish that we should live without regret, and I know that if I stop trying to live by the mantra of 'today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday,' and my tag-line, 'I tried depression and it didn't make me any happier,' then the rest of my life will be full of regret - regret that I stopped remembering to live when I was alive.
I'm not feeling very articulate tonight. Perhaps instead of writing any more I will leave you with a photo that I took at the Farne Islands last summer. It's an Arctic Tern.
Go on Emma, you're flying freely now.