Set free

I don't know how to follow on from the news of Emma's death and my last post. Although death is the end of a life - and Emma's was a special life - it can't mean the end of the life of everyone who knew the person who has died. On the other hand, we are halted in our tracks by the suddenness of the event and the sadness of the loss. We are left with a hole in our lives that will never be filled by anyone else, because it's a hole that is specifically shaped - in this case it is Emma-shaped.

I was woken this morning by my carer at the door. A comes once a week and does a marvellous job making my life that little bit easier. Mornings aren't my best time lung-wise, and quite often I'll go back to bed for a while after I've let A in. She gets on with what she can and she brings me a cup of tea or coffee in bed, which is just lovely and such a rarity when you live on your own. This morning I went back to bed, got my lungs working and then went back to sleep instead of getting up. I didn't want to face the day, and actually was completely exhausted too from a very unsettled night. An hour or so later A came in with another cuppa and quietly asked if I was okay. I told her about Emma. Of course A didn't know Emma, but she was saddenned all the same, because that's the kind of caring and sensitive person A is. I got up. A changed the sheets on my bed while I cuddled the cat in the living room, and then she sent me back to bed. I was exhausted, but then last night was an emotion-filled one with little sleep. I made up for it after A left and slept into the afternoon, but this has meant that my day has felt somewhat upside down, and I know that I can't let it be the beginning of a pattern, but today it's okay.

One thing Emma would hate would be for everyone to stop their lives. She was all for living and making the most of things, so I must remember her whilst embracing life, rather than let it slip by in a haze of sadness. Yes, I will mourn her. Yes, I will think of her often and contemplate the ways in which she's touched my life and the lives of many around the world, but I have to keep living, we have to keep living. It was Emma's wish that we should live without regret, and I know that if I stop trying to live by the mantra of 'today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday,' and my tag-line, 'I tried depression and it didn't make me any happier,' then the rest of my life will be full of regret - regret that I stopped remembering to live when I was alive.





I'm not feeling very articulate tonight. Perhaps instead of writing any more I will leave you with a photo that I took at the Farne Islands last summer. It's an Arctic Tern.

Go on Emma, you're flying freely now.