Saving my bacon

I was supposed to have my swine 'flu vaccination at the GP surgery on Tuesday. I went along to the appointment, the nurse went through the usual precautionary questions, and then we went through the ingredients of the vaccine and it turned out there was something in it I'm allergic to - a sulphate. She went through to speak to one of the doctors who said that in light of this, they couldn't give me the jab without my first speaking to my asthma consultant, especially as it transpires that a lot of people with multiple allergies are having adverse reactions to the injection. I came home, rang my consultant and left a message with his secretary, who phoned me back on Thursday saying that Dr H (my consultant) had weighed up the risks and decided that I should have the swine 'flu vaccine, but that they should give it to me in hospital, so I went up to the ward on Friday morning. It was a very strange experience waiting to be injected with something I knew I was allergic to - planned anaphylaxis ... very odd. I wondered if it was something similar to being on death row, although for very different reasons - ultimately to have my life saved, rather than certainly ended.

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Dr. H came to see me before the ward round, went through the risks (i.e. anaphylaxis and death!), got me to sign the consent form, and then had the F1 put a cannula in so that I could have IV chlorphenamine (Piriton) before being given the vaccine. This would hopefully stave off an allergic reaction, although it would also make me sleepy.

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J, the Charge Nurse, came with the IV and the jab, asked if I was ready, pumped me full of chlorphenamine, waited 5 minutes for it to whoosh around my body, then stabbed me in the arm with the potential killer jab. All we could do then was wait and see what happened, but at least I hadn't blown up into a Becky balloon and dropped dead immediately. After a while my lungs started to get tight and my sats dropped to 91%, but they were sorted with a couple of oxygen-driven nebulisers, and everything else was okay, thanks to the prophylactic chlorphenamine. I stayed on the ward until just gone 7pm to make sure all stayed okay (there can be a delay in the occurance of a reaction, and if there has been a reaction (which the lung-grumpiness was almost certainly due to) there can be a second wave reaction later), and then I was free to go home. It was a weird experience walking onto the ward in the morning as I'm usually gasping and struggling to breathe at all when I arrive on Ward 29, and it was even weirder to walk off the ward the same day ... a good experience though :o) And hopefully, I'll now be safe from getting swine 'flu :o) My bacon has been saved!

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The same cannot be said regarding the whole passing out thing, which is still going on. When I was discharged from hospital the week before last with this the doctor had said that I should get an appointment for the falls and syncope clinic for two weeks time, which would mean I ought to be seen next week. This being the case I was expecting an appointment letter sometime during last week, but nothing came so I phoned the clinic on Thursday to ask what was happening. When I explained what I'd been told about getting an appointment for two weeks time the receptionist laughed and said that there was at least a nine week waiting list. She then went on to tell me that the consultant hasn't even put the referral in yet! The swine! Not only has he not done what he said he would, but I was told porkies about the time-scale, so now goodness knows how long I'll have to wait. I'm going to call the consultant's secretary on Monday to ask when I can expect the referral to be sent, and perhaps say that I'm not impressed that it hasn't been sent all ready as it's really not good to be passing out practically everyday, and not safe either - I fainted while I was cooking the other day, and it could've been really bad if I'd fallen onto the hob ... although it may have speeded up the referral, I guess ...

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On a positive note, I have got an appointment for the 24-hour ECG, which may throw some light on what's going on, but only if it's something to do with my heart. Anyway, I go for that next Thursday morning, and then obviously have to go back on Friday morning, but I don't know when I'll get any results from it, or even who the results will be sent to as the referral to the falls and syncope clinic hasn't yet happened and I'd thought it was going to them. I might ask if it can be sent to my GP so that I can at least know it's going somewhere, and somewhere I can access them.

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Now then, keeping on the theme of pigs - having my bacon saved from swine 'flu, swines of doctors who don't do what they say they're going to, and flying pigs for getting appointments - I was sent an email the other day that made me laugh a lot. I thought I'd share it with you so read on for a giggle. Oh, and apparently it really was sent to David Milliband.

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Nigel Johnson-Hill

Park Farm

Milland

Liphook

GU30 7JT

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Rt Hon David Milliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Farming and Rural Affairs (DEFRA)
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR

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16th July 2009

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Dear Secretary of State,

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My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

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In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

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I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Sadlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

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As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

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My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

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If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradeable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

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Another point: these pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

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I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

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In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

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Yours faithfully,

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Nigel Johnson-Hill