This time last week I was still finding it difficult to process the trauma of the last attack. I wasn't sleeping even though I was utterly exhausted, and every time I lay down to sleep I had all the events of the last attack whizzing through my head at a hundred miles an hour. I was stressed and tearful through the day and generally wasn't coping very well, so I decided to see my GP to off-load. I know all the GPs at my practice very well, and they're all great, but there's one in particular I go to when I need to verbally vomit, and she's fine about me verbally vomiting all over her.
I made a double appointment to see Dr P and still managed to run overtime by 10 minutes (oops), but it was good to off-load. However, it wasn't an easy appointment. We didn't just talk about the asthma attack-related stress, but also my mobility. In fact, this is what took up most of the time in the end and it was instigated by Dr P. In light of the recent attack with how suddenly it came on, how severe it became and so quickly, and what little activity set it off, she said that, in her opinion, it's now too dangerous for me to walk. I already use my electric wheelchair (Taz) a lot of the time - partly because of the POTS as well as the asthma - but she said I should use it as much as possible, and I should consider myself to have virtually no mobility.
It's a shock. It's upsetting. I know it's the reality, and I know that I was using my electric wheelchair more and more, but to have my doctor say this feels very different. I keep thinking about the implications - all the things I hoped to do again, but will probably never be able to. I don't feel ready to give up my mobility entirely, but then I wonder if I ever will do. I doubt it. A part of me knows that she's right, but another part of me wants to rebel. Then I ask myself if the consequences are worth the rebellion and they're obviously not...
I had wanted to try to get some level of fitness back. How am I supposed to do that now? I asked the doctor about getting back to supervised exercise at the gym and she told me no way. She said that in her opinion the only place that it's now safe for me to do any kind of exercise is in hospital where there are resuscitation facilities and medics on hand, not just physios. I can't see that happening. Yes, I went to pulmonary rehab at the hospital, which was good, but there's a waiting list and I can't see that I'd be able to take a place permanently. I've emailed the Charge Nurse on Ward 29 to ask his opinion, but I think he's away at the moment, and I'm probably going to have to talk about it with my consultant anyway.
It's a lot to take in. It feels like the boundaries of my illness have changed again ... more obviously dramatically than anytime before, or anytime I remember.