I am home. It is good to be home, but I had such a horrible time and was so poorly that I'm also quite apprehensive about being home.
After writing 'Which way?' on 16th January I went to bed, but I didn't get any sleep because my lungs went steadily downhill. At 6.30 am I knew that I was going to have to see a doctor, but I only worked this out when I realised that my primary concern shouldn't be that I had clean hair, and I shouldn't have been sitting in the bath with my head lathered in shampoo. It's a strange state that my mind goes in when my oxygen levels fall and my carbon dioxide levels begin to rise, but at least this time I did recognise it. However, unlike any other time, I then had a terrible, terrible feeling of foreboding and doom. Although my peak flow still wasn't desperately low I knew that things were going to be awful. I was sure that I was going to die.
With the certainty of death in my mind I didn't call an ambulance. This probably doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, but I wanted to see a friendly face before I died so I called my GP surgery instead of 999. I phoned at 8.30 am when my peak flow was still 130, and got an emergency appointment for 10 am, but I actually went up (in Noah - new powered wheelchair) at 9.30 am, by which time my peak flow was 100. The doctor called me in fifteen minutes before my appointment time as I'd pointed out to the (new) receptionist that I couldn't breathe, and by the time I saw Dr Cg my peak flow had dropped to 60. Ten minutes later my peak flow was unrecordable on a paediatric peak flow meter that begins at 30.
Dr Cg said he could still hear a little air getting in to my lungs, which was very good news, and hasn't always been the case (silent chest), but he wanted me in hospital as soon as possible. He phoned my usual ward, but there were no beds so I was going to have to go to A&E and he phoned for a blue light ambulance. So much for the eight/nine minute target time for getting to a blue light call - it took an hour for the paramedics to arrive! During that time I used my nebuliser numerous times and was on oxygen, but the surgery only had one small bottle of oxygen and it soon ran out (they have since invested in a second cylinder). Dr Cg called ambulance control several times to enquire about the ambulance, stressing that he had a known severe brittle asthmatic in crisis in his office who needed to get to hospital asap. They had me down as a standard response!
The ambulance eventually arrived and I was loaded on-board, but was taken to hospital without any urgency. We ambled through the traffic as though all was well while I gasped for breath in the back. I have to say that this lack of response from paramedics/the ambulance service is a very rare occurrence indeed, which is probably why it surprised and scared me so much. However, we did at last arrive at A&E, where the ambulance crew took me through to Monitoring, although I was only there for a matter of minutes before the Sister and doctor whisked me through in to resus.
I was given nebs and oxygen. They had someone come down from the respiratory ward to put a gripper needle in my portacath and an infusion of aminophylline was started. I continued to deteriorate. Only the medical student actually listened to my lungs, which shocked me somewhat, and no blood gases were done, but I knew I was getting worse and I knew I was getting tired. An x-ray was done whilst I was en-route to the Emergency Admissions Unit (EAU), escorted by the resus nurse, which I was told looked 'fluffy' and is a sign of pulmonary oedema. I presume this is a complication from the asthma, rather than a whole new thing to contend with.
I battled on in EAU, watching the world, seeing the world, feeling the world get 'thinner'. My head was getting thicker, and as it did, it was like God was rubbing the world out from in front of me with an eraser. I was being distanced from the world and losing the ability to take part in it.
And then a face - the face of one of the ITU Out-reach Sisters: 'I think she's getting worse.' I think that I thought, 'she's right,' but actually I didn't know any more. I didn't know anything other than exhaustion.
Snippets, that's what I remember now. The junior doctor sitting at the desk with her colleague, almost in tears, saying, 'My patients are dying on me,' and pointing at me, then saying 'There's another one next door.' The worried face of one of the ITU Out-reach Sisters. Grabbing the hand of the ITU Out-reach Charge Nurse who I've met several times before and holding on so that I can get some life from him in to me. Three different ITU consultants coming to assess me. One of them - a woman I recognise from previous admissions - leaning very close to me: 'We're definitely taking you to Intensive Care, but there aren't any beds at the moment. We're literally knitting you a bed as we speak.' I think of a hammock. Another of the ITU consultants is a short man who I also recognise and I realise he looked after my great friend Carol back in 2005 after she had a massive heart attack at age 42. Carol died. Then the EAU consultant who says my temperature is up, and notes that I'm tachypnoeic and tachycardic (breathing fast and have a fast heart rate), at 31 and 150 respectively. He prescribes immediate IV antibiotics and more hyrdrocortisone (steroid injection). Blood gases have been done and there's concern because I'm acidotic. I'm shaking - it's all the salbutamol nebulisers that are doing it, and it's making me even more exhausted. I can't stop. I just want to sleep. I am too tired. I text my mum and tell her I love her.
All of a sudden I'm being whizzed along the corridor in my bed. The two ITU Out-reach nurses (Sister and Charge Nurse) are there, the EAU nurse, the porter, the ITU anaesthetist, and lots of people standing back against the wall as I'm charged down the hall. Faces, lots of faces, and they all look scared. One looks terrified and then tries to smile at me. I'm too tired, too poorly, and too afraid to smile back. And one of the reasons I'm afraid is because the last time I was in ITU in this hospital I had the most horrendous experience that I don't really want to talk about, but it left me with no trust in them at all.
And then we arrive and it's a different ITU. This is neuro ITU because there are no beds on General ITU, and my mind is eased a little, but I still wonder, wonder, wonder.
I'm taken through in to a room of my own - isolated because of my chronic MRSA positive status. Across the room to the right there's a window in to the main unit. There's an elderly woman in the bed out there, all bunched up and contorted. A woman I presume is her daughter is there. She has brown hair and is wearing a red coat. I can see the red. The red is vibrant. I am still just about in the world.
My room is full, at least it seems full. Lots of people. They lie me flat and slide me from one bed on to the other, then sit me up again. They put the oxygen saturation probe on my finger and the alarm chimes when the machine records a reading of 79% (so I hear them say). The anaesthetist has a gentle voice, calming, but his words are frightening: 'I really want to intubate you - put you to sleep and put a tube down your throat to breathe for you - but I think if I do, we'll never get you off the ventilator. Have you had the tight mask before? I want to try BiPAP because I think that without any ventilatory support you probably have a maximum of half an hour left.' I nod, but I can't really process this information. Half an hour left to live. Half an hour. Then dead. I believe him because the world is disappearing. I believe him because I am suffocating. I believe him because I'm far too exhausted to keep on breathing. I believe him. Half an hour.
The Sister. The doctor. The nurse. The anaesthetist. They all put the mask on my face and strap it to my head. Tight. Tight. Tight. It blows air at me. It blows air in to me. It sucks air from me. I still have to work hard, and I am so tired.
I look through the window to my right. The woman with the brown hair and the red coat is still there. The contorted woman in the bed is still there. The machines attached to her are alarming and flashing red lights at the nurses who are standing nearby. The woman with the brown hair and the red coat smiles in sadness. The nurses watch. The contorted woman in the bed dies. The curtains are drawn around her and the woman with the brown hair and red coat slips out between them. 'I am next,' I think.
I look through the window to my left, and I see the university. I know where I am in the hospital, in the city. I know that place over there. That place over there is the English Department. That place over there is where I did my MA just last year. That place over there has people in it who know me. If that place is over there, then that means I'm still in the world.
I look to my right. The curtains are open. The contorted woman has gone. The bed is empty.
I look to the left. The English Department is still there. I am still in the world.
I fought on, all through the night, all through the next day, all through the next night, all through the next day. Several times I almost gave up. I couldn't do it. The machine took over, kept me breathing, just about. W came, she watched me dying. I wanted to apologise for putting her through this. I texted my mum and told her I love her.
Eventually my lungs eased up a little - enough to come off the BiPAP for a while. Eventually, after three days, I was transferred to my usual ward, but I had the BiPAP overnight to make sure that I stayed alive. Eventually, I felt that maybe I might not be entirely separated from the world. Eventually, I dared to think that I might live after all.