...I'm struggling. A lot.
I went to an appointment with the psychologist a week past Friday, which was supposed to be an hour long, but turned in to two hours. Basically, I am a mess. The psychologist wanted to call the CAT Team (Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team - for people experiencing mental health crises), but I was extremely reluctant for her to do so as I'd had such an awful experience of them ten years ago. At that time they made things much, much worse for me and I swore that I would never let them in to my life again. It's an indicator of where things are up to that, after much deliberation, discussion, and upset, I was persuaded to let the psychologist call them. She talked with them at some length, expressing her deep concern for me, and suggested that I be admitted in to hospital for a while. They said they would come out to my home to assess me that afternoon.
The psychologist seemed very unsure about letting me out of her office, unsure that I would be able to 'keep myself safe.' To be honest, I wasn't sure I could do that either, but eventually I agreed to do so long enough to get home and be assessed by the CAT Team.
The CATT arrived as a trio - doctor, nurse, and medical student - forty-five minutes later than they said they would be, which wasn't a great start, but the nurse was one I recognised from the ward when I'd been an in-patient with depression many years ago. That helped me to feel a little more at ease as I remembered he was one of the better nurses. I spent an awful lot of my time with the CATT in tears, much as I'd spent my time with the psychologist, and after quite a lengthy assessment the three of them went and sat in the car outside to discuss me. When they came back in five minutes later they had decided to opt for home treatment with daily visits and a 24/7 'carer's line' phone number. My feelings about this were, and have continued to be, very mixed.
These past ten days have been bloody awful. I'm not going to go in to details, but suffice to say that I'm not really coping with 'life' at the moment. I have a couple of 'big' things going on, but primarily I'm in a state of post traumatic stress from my recent hospital admission, and severe depression from the accumulation of traumatic asthma attacks (and some other things too).
I have come to a stand-still, defeated by all that has happened, unable to bounce back as expected, as I have done previously. I am trapped, once again, by the monster of depression, and above all else, I feel as though I have let everyone down. Myself included. God included. Especially God.
I am continually told that I'm strong, but believe me, I'm not. I am now very, very broken and very, very weak. It isn't helpful to tell me I'm strong, so please don't. I need to be allowed to be however I am, and telling me that I'm strong makes me feel even more as though I've let everyone down because I know that I am so very broken right now.