A favourite quote and a way by which to approach life.

Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday.

Saturday, 9 March 2013


Hmm, I'm supposing you've guessed that I'm having a difficult time at the moment, that I'm not really coping too well.  Not a lot has changed since I last posted, and I haven't updated till now because I haven't wanted to bore you with the same old stuff over and over ... I reckon once in a while is okay, though, right?  So here it is...

I saw the psychologist a week ago.  As has always been the case with her, she was good.  It's never easy, and it's hard to say with such things that they're ever good experiences, but I think I've been lucky to be allocated the psychologist I have.

I'm not going to say anything about the content of last week's therapy session, because that's between me and the psychologist, but what I will say is that I was honest with her.  I had to be, and really, what is the point of therapy if you're not going to be honest with the therapist?  The session actually went a little over time, which is very unusual for therapy, but such was the nature of the session and of my need.

Two hours after my appointment with the psychologist I was due to see my GP, and by the time I got there my psychologist had already phoned the doctor to express her concerns.  She also tried to persuade the doctor to prescribe some sleeping tablets for me as I'm getting very little sleep and finding it incredibly difficult to get to sleep (it's more often than not at least 5am, and it's not unusual for it to be 7 or 8am before I get to sleep).  The lack of sleep is most likely contributing to my state of mind and general state of stress of at the moment, but the GP won't prescribe sleeping tablets of any description because all of them can suppress breathing.  She doesn't want to risk that with me, and tells me it's not worth it, and I can see where she's coming from, but I'm knacked.  I'm trying all the 'sleep hygiene' stuff, but it's not currently working for me, and I'm spending most of each night getting up after another 30 minutes of failing to get to sleep, sitting in the dark/dim light, doing very little, going back to bed, and failing to get to sleep.

So yes, the GP talked with me, but of course has no quick fix, or in fact any fix, but she's there.  The psychologist has been away this week, so the GP wanted to see me instead so that she could keep an eye on me/things with me.  I saw her yesterday.  Nothing much to report, but again, she's there, and it's probably a good thing that she knows the state of play even if she can't do anything about it.  As others have said, she too said that it's just going to take time, but she understands the complexities of my situation with recent events still fully to get my head around, and multiple factors around my health in general.  It's not about feeling sorry for myself; it's about coping with the challenges my health issues lay before me, the impact they have on my life, the way they've changed the course of my life, and how they continue to change every aspect of my life, always moving the boundaries.  Lots of things.  Too many things to try to mention, and perhaps I don't want to mention them simply because that feels like trying to justify them.  I'm not going to get in to that.

The psychologist is back next week, not until the end of the week, which seems like an impossible time away, but I suppose it'll arrive eventually.  In the meantime I have four other hospital appointments to get myself to next week, one of them at the ridiculous time of 9am.  Not so ridiculous if you have a normal sleep pattern, but if I don't get to sleep till 7am, then that'll leave me with about half an hour's kip.  I can only hope that the night before that appointment is better than anticipated.  To be honest, a week of hospital appointments isn't really what I need at the moment. I could do with some time trying to concentrate on things other than my health - or lack of it - but next week I have no choice.

I feel like I'm beginning not to make much sense or that I'm going round in circles.  Maybe it's more in my head than coming out like that on the 'page', but I think I'm going to have to end this post here.  Perhaps next time I post I'll be somewhere closer to myself, but apologies in advance if I'm not.


Joy said...

(((((hugs))))) and prayers. Inadequate, I know, but I can't do more.
J x

Anna Hopper said...

Hi Becky, I'll keep praying that you get the rest you need to help your recovery. The changing limts are really hard to except as your head say's one thing and your body another. Keep taking it a step at a time sending hugs xx

vivinfrance said...

I really feel for you - sleep problems are the pits, let alone all the rest you have to put up with. Have you tried hypnosis?

Thinking of you,

Becky, love, your spam checker is not working very well - 2 spam in this one post.

Sal said...

FM sleep - so very familiar to me. The only solution for me, sadly, has been opiate patches. I doubt you'd be allowed those & also your psych, like mine, might not be keen on the idea. I can recommend Paul McKenna's book, I can Make you Sleep. It teaches you tricks to help you get to sleep, has a CD attached, & has lots of tips. You are doing really well, love. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are so strong & you will get through this. xxx

BeckyG said...

Thank you, Joy, Anna, Viv, and Sal for your comments and your support. It means a lot at this very difficult time to know that folk are there, and listening, even though it's probably hard to listen to.

Sal, my sleep difficulties aren't exactly FM sleep, especially as they've now decided that I don't have fibromyalgia. The pain has turned out to be severe vitamin deficiency and osteomalacia, which can manifest in almost identical ways to FMS (so it might be worth you having your vitamin D levels checked too). Actually, that's not the full story, and as it turns out I probably do have arthritis as well after all that, but I've got a couple more scans for that next week, after which I'll blog about it. Anyway, no, my sleep difficulties at the moment are to do with post traumatic stress from my recent episode of illness. I have a lot of flashbacks that intrude on me a lot of the day, but more so at night when I close my eyes.

Viv, I know I have a problem with spam. It's been horrendous ever since I removed the captcha, which I had to do because it was causing problems for legitimate people posting comments. The fact that only two got through on this is amazing, as I've already had over 150 sent to my spam filter. I think the only way I might be able to get rid of it is if I moderate all comments, rather than just after a week of the post going up. I'll think about this, but it has it's negatives as well.

Anyway, it's almost 2.30am and I shouldn't really be on the computer if I'm to follow the rules of good sleep hygiene, so I s'pose I ought to post this and log off. Thank you again, all of you.


Diana West said...

Becky, so sorry to hear all that you're going through. Hugs and prayers are with you all the time. Have you tried Rescue Remedy for your sleep problems, or isn't it Becky-friendly? It's more of a relaxant so might help a bit with your flashbacks.

Clamjamphrie: said...

Becky, I am a longtime lurker (think I clicked on your profile in an OU creative writing forum about, gulp, five years ago) and an infrequent visitor because I like to immerse myself in your beautifully eloquent writing and one post is never enough for me.
To read all you have been through recently is...I can't think of any word that can possibly describe it. That you can continue to find such true words to convey what you have been through and continue to go through is awe-inspiring.
So much of what you write so perfectly sums up about how I feel about my own chronic condition (M.E.). I've just had a big, totally unexpected relapse and came here because I knew I would find wisdom that would soothe me. I have. I'm just so sorry that the 'ordering of my thoughts on my experiences'(I'm paraphrasing!)as you wrote in an earlier post should result from the anguish of yours.
That you feel such fear at the moment is, to me, entirely natural. How can you not, when your body takes you to the edge of life and back again so frequently and unexpectedly? At a time when you're too ill to even feel that fear? I was diagnosed with cancer last year and had a full-on month of terror waiting for scans/results, not knowing if it would kill me or not. (Still here, obviously!) But I consider myself fortunate to have been well enough to feel that fear at the time since my M.E. fear is one constantly tempered by my desire to be 'rational' about it so it gets kind of cognitively trapped.
Not sure I'm making sense! But what I'm trying to say is that maybe your brain is similarly trying to 'make sense' of all you've been through and if you've tried to rationalise some of your past experiences, that could lead to a fear 'backlog' that you're experiencing now. A friend who used to live in Africa recently told me that when an impala has faced and evaded danger, it literally shakes the fear out. Why would you not need to do the same? Just don't judge yourself for however long your own internal shaking takes and know that random strangers like me are routing for you every step of the way.