A favourite quote and a way by which to approach life.

Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday.

Monday, 27 October 2008

Still going; still hoping

I'm still at home.

I got to the pudding and games evening last Saturday, which was great fun, and I'm hoping to get to the medieval party next Saturday. I'm not sure if this is realistic, but I refuse to give up hope, because I've been looking forward to this for months. We'll see ...

I have to say that I feel rather naughty for not contacting the ward when the reg said I should if I was no better. Okay, so falling asleep on Friday meant that I couldn't do so then, and after that was the weekend, but today's Monday and I still haven't phoned. I don't want to. I don't want to go in, and I'm not yet convinced that my lungs are definitely bound for a splat in need of hospital ... but they probably are :o( My peak flow is around 120 and I'm not really able to do very much, so I'm practising staying very still. It may be futile, but I'm still hoping that if I rest a lot and don't go far from the sofa or the bed then I might be okay for Saturday. The positive side of this is that it's meaning I'm doing a bit of study and I've actually started writing the story for my next assignment, which is due in by Friday. This is another good reason not to need hospital before the weekend - too much work to do to be ill ;o)

Oh, I don't know. This is a battle with myself, and I really don't know what to do ... I want to live life while I can. I want to have fun. I want to do all those things that I planned to do ... but I also want to be sensible and look after myself. There doesn't seem to be much of a dilemma in this on face value, does there? But I want some normality, and I'm having a moment's resentment of this horrid disease that is asthma, which is stupid, because resentment won't change anything. Resentment only makes you bitter, and bitterness makes you unhappy, so really it's much better that I let go of the resentment and go back to just getting on with it. I'll give myself a boot up the bum in a moment, but it's tricky while I'm sitting down with the computer on my knee.

I'm in a quandry between what I want to do and what I probably need to do, or will need to do before long. It's horrible.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

Praying for you.

Mad Asthmatic said...

Sending you a hug. I know exactly where you are coming from. It is a fine balance between managing to get out and live life as you would like to and what in reality you can do. Asthma is a horrid disease. I am glad you are still at home but if you start to feel worse hun or your pf drops please go in to hospital, I know you don't want to.
love
Mad Asthmatic

Diane said...

Wish you well for your TMA - just sent mine in. My youngest son has had asthma since he was two, but only been hospitalised once. I can't imagine how you cope, but hope you feel better for Saturday x