Don't you think he's rather fine? I have to say that I never, ever thought I'd be in possession of a garden gnome (or a guarding gnome ;oP ), but look, Wilfred even has his own little watering can! He clearly cares about the destiny of such things and would hate to see one come to a bad end, so here he is guarding the holey watering can that has caused such a stir:
Now it's good to know that the police are protecting us from the villains of the world, but it has seemed rather surreal that a significant amount of police time has been spent on the search for the watering can thief. I know that the real issue isn't the can, but the fact that the 'leader of the operation' coerced a minor into the illegal activities of trespass and theft/attempted theft ... and that is why police time has been taken up on this matter, but still, if you look at the smaller picture - that of the watering can - it seems very trivial. So anyway, when I came out of hospital I had a message on my answer machine from PC May, the enthusiastic trainee police officer who had been investigating my traumatic experience. He didn't say much in the message, but sounded quite excited. A day or so after I picked up the message I had another phone call from him asking if I'd heard of developments in the case, which of course I hadn't as I'd been otherwise engaged in relearning the art of breathing. Oh, he was excited! PC May went on to inform me that the man they had initially tracked down as responsible for the crime had given false details and gone missing, and it turned out that he'd been living not at the address that he'd given the police, but in various hostels. After a couple of weeks of having disappeared though, the man had walked into a police station and handed himself in - a villain with a conscience! Only not enough conscience to admit to the coersion of a minor as he then proceeded to insist that he had nothing to do with the child, had no responsibility for him, and certainly hadn't led him into a life of crime. Only then he crumbled and admitted he was guilty. And the consequence of this? The case of the attempted theft of the holey watering can is going to court!!!!! Oh my! I am going to feel so incredibly foolish if I have to stand up in court as a witness (which I'm assured by the police, without having asked, will be under the witness protection programme and I can give evidence via video-link if I want!). 'Yes, Your Honour, I am victim to the crime of the attempted theft of a holey watering can that I once grew rosemary in, hence the holes. No, Your Honour, I didn't see anything ... or hear anything, because I was tucked up in bed and fast asleep at the time, having taken a sleeping tablet the night before. I do have a box of worms, which my father gave me for Christmas, next to where said holey watering can was taken from, but they have not been forthcoming with information regarding events of the morning, nor with giving a description of the villain. Your Honour, there is no need to look distressed at the uselessness of the worms' observation skills as I now have a fine protector in Wilfred,' at which point I could hold up a photo of Wilfred. I could, of course take the real thing, but that would mean leaving the watering can unprotected so it's probably best that I just take a photo.
PC May was so excited at the prospect of this going to court. Aren't you glad that your taxes are being spent on the protection of my watering can? I can hear your cheers of support from here. How about giving Wilfred a cheer too? I'm sure he'd appreciate acknowledgement for the fine job he's now doing. After all, so far as I know, no crook has tried to steal the holey watering can since Wilfred took over its protection.