Review of the year 2015

It's far too long since I last posted, and I left you all in a bit of limbo.  Sorry about that.  I'll come back to what happened with the rest of my Cambridge admission, and some of what has happened since, but it's a bit complicated to integrate into this post.

2015 was a difficult year in many, many ways with an awful lot of ill-health, but I will let my Review of the Year questions tell a bit more of the story - the ups and downs...

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?
Probably getting onto the Patient Input Platform (PIP) for the RASP (UK) study into severe asthma.  I was asked to apply for a position on the PIP, but there was definitely no guarantee that I was would be successful and still had to fill in the application form (2000 words required) and be interviewed by someone from Asthma UK and someone already on the PIP.

2. What made you laugh most this year?
I think it was during a day of geocaching that I had with a my friend Ruth up at Bamburgh and Holy Island.  We had lots of fun and a huge amount of silliness, especially when it came to finding our last cache of the day, 'Cache and 'Tache' 

The biggest laughs were as we kept the 'taches on and made our way back to the car, but ended up causing some passers-by to stop their car and chat to us because they were laughing at us so much.

3. What unfulfilled hopes do you have for the past year?
I hardly wrote anything during 2015, either on my blog or otherwise, and I had been hoping to write a fair bit for both my book about my asthma and also my children's book.  I know this is a direct result of how difficult the year has been so I'm trying not to be too disappointed in myself.

4. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?
There's a Peter, Paul, and Mary song we do at choir (Flotsam) called 'Jane Jane' that I absolutely love singing.  I particularly love the arrangement that we do (arranged by the MD, Andrew Scott - Scottee), but I have listened to the original version a lot too.

I have also listened to a lot of Bellowhead CDs both in the car and at home.  They're so enlivening, and I've needed a lot of that this past year.

5. What was your best holiday this year?
Well, as you know, my holiday didn't go as planned, but I did have an absolutely fantastic time in Wales before it all turned disastrous in Cambridge, so I will answer this with the Welsh part of my holiday.

6. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?
I don't think that I've actually acquired a new skill this year, but I have developed my crocheting skills, and crochet, of course, was my new skill for 2014.

7. What's the best book you've read this year?
My answer to this goes hand in hand with my answer to question two.  One of the things I need to be able to do to write is to be able to read, but I've hardly been able to read at all this year either.  My concentration for reading has been shot this year, partly because of events - particularly those early in the year - but also because of illness.  My diabetes has developed a lot over the past several months and has made me feel terrible, as well as affecting concentration.  Anyway, as a consequence, for the first time probably in my entire life, I have only read one book this year, and that book wasn't at all taxing.  It was Danny Wallace's 'Random Acts of Kindness'.  I am ashamed of this awful tally, although I know that like the writing, it is a symptom of my state of mind.  I am currently trying to adhere to a kind of reading programme agreed with my psychologist so that I can read a book that she is keen for me to read.  I am looking forward to being able to read again.

8. What has been the biggest challenge of this year?
My health.  It is always a challenge, but there have been more challenges this year, particularly with the development/worsening/instability of my diabetes.  I have also had a huge number of infections that have required something like thirteen or fourteen courses of antibiotics throughout the year.

9. What is your happiest/fondest memory of this year?
I have two that are of particular note.  The first was a moment with my younger brother, C, that I can't fully explain.  It was in the couple of days I had in Cambridgeshire after my Addenbrooke's hospital admission, and in my brother's back garden.  I can't really describe the moment adequately, but it was a moment of closeness with him ... a unity and togetherness.

The second happy memory was an afternoon I had a couple of weeks ago with my nephews O and D.  My brother, M, and his two children were visiting from London, primarily so that M could sort a few things around Dad's will/belongings.  He only had one full day to do this so I offered to look after the boys for the afternoon on that day.  I took them first to Vincenzos for lunch - they're big fans of pizza and have been to Vincenzos lots of time before with me and my brother, and in the past with Dad too.  After that we went to the Centre for Life where they had a brilliant time for the next four hours!  I hardly ever get to have my nephews to myself like this so it was a very special day for me, and I know that the boys enjoyed it too.  M had given O their emergency mobile so he could call if anything went wrong with me (health wise), and also if he just wanted to call.  O decided he did want to call his daddy while we sitting in the planetarium just so he could tell him what an excellent time he was having, and that he was very excited that he was about to watch a film about something called Hubble 25.  I had explained that Hubble is a big telescope and camera in space and it's been up there for 25 years, all of which really grabbed O's interest.

10. Of what one creation of the past year are you most proud or pleased?
Hmm, this is tricky as I've made a few things that I've been really pleased with, but I guess one of the things that I was very pleased with was a Christmas present I made for my friend R - some planter labels I painted on small wooden spoons.

This isn't the best photo, but it's the only photo I have of them, and it was taken before they were varnished.  Mind you, the varnish was satin so it didn't make them particularly shiny.  It was more for protection of the paint than anything else.

11. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?
I don't think I did take up a new hobby this year, and I didn't really reinstate an old hobby either.  However, there was quite a time over the summer and early autumn that I didn't do much crochet other than the blanket I've been working.  I started a 3-6-5 blanket on 1st January 2015, doing one hexagon a day every day of the year.  With times in hospital and other times of being ill at home I got very, very behind at points, and although I eventually managed to catch up with making the hexagons it took me until sometime in October (I think) to catch up with attaching all those hexagons onto the blanket.  I did manage to catch up, and I actually finished making and attaching the last hexagon at 11.30pm on 31st December 2015, and that was including the few extra hexagons that I had to do to make the blanket a finished shape.  I've spent a fair bit of today working on the border/edging of the blanket, but think I ought to finish it completely over the weekend :)

12. What one thing would you really like to do next year?
There are a few things I can answer to this.  First, I'd like to write more ... write something.  Second, I'd like to lose weight and get a bit fitter.  Third, I'd like to get a haircut with a new style.  The third one is most immediately achievable, and I'm planning on making an appointment at the hairdressers for next week.

13. What was the saddest thing this year?
This is an easy one to answer.  The death of my dad, and then this so immediately followed by my precious Isobel Artemis going missing and never returning.

14. What has been your best discovery of this year?
Two things - the beauty of the part of Wales that I went to in September.  I hadn't been to Wales since I was a child, and never to the southern part of West Wales that I went to this year.  I fell in love with that part of Wales, and it was a brilliant discovery.

The other excellent discovery of this year was a recipe for barbecue sauce that I can have (providing I use a Becky-friendly balsamic vinegar, which isn't easy to come by).  Oh, and this Becky-friendly barbecue sauce goes amazingly with the unlikely deliciousness that is barbecued gem lettuces.  Try them, they're amazing, and make lettuce into something that's actually exciting!

15. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?
Gosh, there have been so many terrible things in the news this year, but I think it's probably been the European refugee crisis, and also the African Ebola crisis.  Both are/have been truly awful, and the migration/refugee situation shows no sign of abating.  I have also been appalled by the UK government's response.

16. What's the best film you've seen this year?
I've only been to the cinema twice this year.  The first time was just a few weeks ago when I tried to go and see 'The Lady in the Van', but it was sold out so ended up seeing 'Brooklyn' instead.  The second film I went to was a couple of days ago when I went to see 'Carol' with my mum and step-dad when I was up with them for Christmas. 'Brooklyn' and 'Carol' are very different films and difficult to compare, but perhaps 'Carol' just pips the other to the post.  Not sure.

17. What was your best buy this year?
No hesitation at all in answering this.  By far my best buy was my gorgeous and delightful kitten Katinka Manjulika.

She is gorgeous, nutty, and has brought me so many smiles and huge laughter.  My precious girl.

18. What has been your best day out this year?
I think probably the day out I mentioned before with my friend Ruth when we went geocaching up at Bamburgh and Holy Island.  It was a day of great fun, great friendship, great weather, great laughter, great silliness, and of pushing myself to do more than I would on my own.

19. If there's one thing you did this year that you'd do differently if you could, what would it be?
I've thought about this, and I'm not sure there's anything major major major that I would do differently, but to put a bit of a spin on the question, if I could have fallen differently on 30th July when I fell in the park whilst trying to show some young friends what fun geocaching could be then I would.  I would have fallen so that I just fell and got muddy rather than fallen and torn my ACL and MCL (in layman's terms, I badly hurt my knee), with which I'm still having problems and for which I'm still having physio.

20. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?
I'd like to go back to Cambridge and not end up in hospital.  I'd like to see my brother C and his family again while I'm down there, catch up with some other friends who live in that direction, and also meet up with my older godson who's now at university in Cambridge.

21. Name one thing that you did this year that you'd like to do again?
I'd love to have my nephews for the day again.  I'd love to take them out somewhere else, perhaps for the full day, doing other fun things, and have another day on my own with those gorgeous boys.  I love being an aunty.

22. Who gave you the best advice this year?
Oh gosh, I don't know.  It was probably my psychologist who is great at giving advice.  Maybe it will turn out to have been the kind of reading programme I'm meant to be doing and before long I'll be back to being able to read.

23. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?
I think I want to learn to knit.  I love crochet, but you can do different things with knitting and I'd like to be able to do those different things.  I've bought a book from which I'm hoping to learn, and it's in the same series as the book from which I learnt to crochet, so I'm hoping it will work for me.  I have lots and lots of yarn, so the only thing stopping me from starting to learn now is the fact that I don't yet own any knitting needles.  Quite a stumbling block, come to think of it.  I'll have to do something about that in the next little while.

24. What was your favourite TV/radio programme this year?
Okay, this is where I have to confess to my guilty secret of the latter part of the year ... Hawaii Five-0.  It's much more violent than most things I watch, but it is also complete escapism, in part because they always catch the bad guy in the end.  Most of the time it takes itself a bit too seriously, but there are times when that slips and you see it almost mocking itself.  I've been watching all the episodes from all the modern series and loving them!  Also, the theme music is fabulous!

25. What would you like to make more time for next year?
Probably writing.  And reading.  I need to be able to write.  I desperately want to be able to write, and not just my blog, but the other things that I wish I'd been able to write last year.

I think I also need to make more time for time with friends.  I have seen friends this last year, definitely, but there have been great swathes of time when I haven't seen many friends, mainly because I've felt so poorly so much of the time and haven't had the energy to go out and meet up with folk.  And leading on from that, or perhaps incorporating it, I need to make more time for church.  Again, I haven't got there much over the past year because I've felt so ill so much of the time, so I'm hoping to be able to get back to church, and because many of my friends also go to church I will see them more too.

26. What has been the biggest disappointment this year?
Hmmm...this is a tricky one to answer.  I know what the answer is, but I'm not sure it's something I want to put into the public domain.  Let me see ... I guess it's the way a particular relationship turned out.

27. What was the best or most enjoyable concert you went to this year?
I went to two concerts of particular note.  The first was The Proclaimers, which was excellent, but it's the second that gets my vote for the best and that was Bellowhead.  They are the most excellent band who I have always loved seeing live.  They fill the place, whatever the place, with joy, and I have always come out of their gigs feeling, 'This is what living is about!'  Extremely sadly they are disbanding after something like thirteen years together, so the gig I went to at the end of November will be the last of their gigs that I ever go to, but it was absolutely fantabulously brilliant with dancing not just in the seats, not just in the aisles, but dancing around the aisles - folk doing the conga around the auditorium.  Such a brilliant atmosphere, and all the guys and gals on stage obviously loving it too.  As my seat (or rather, wheelchair space) was on the far side of the auditorium from the exit I had to wait until most folk had left before I could cross the auditorium to go.  However, while I waited for people to leave I noticed that a couple of the band members had come back onto the stage to clear away their things, so I took the opportunity to trundle over and ask if they'd sign the CD I'd bought in the interval.  They were lovely, friendly, chatty, full of the joy of the gig, and had no qualms at all about signing my CD :D

28. What do you think was the best thing you did for yourself during the last year?
To be a cryptic, I allowed myself to be honest with myself about something that has been surprisingly liberating.

Something completely different and about which I have no need to be cryptic, getting Katinka was definitely a brilliant thing to do for myself.  I know some folk have reservations about me having a cat because of my lungs, but sod it, I'm ill without a cat so I may as well be ill with a cat.  And most importantly, Katinka has brought back my smile and she gives me so much joy.  I was completely miserable after Dad died and Isobel went missing, and ever so lonely.  Katinka has renewed a life in me that was fizzling out and I love her to bits.

29. What is the biggest difference in yourself from this time last year?
Hmm, I'm not sure that I am terribly different in any very significant way ... unless I refer to my cryptic answer to number 28, and that's not actually a difference...

30. What are you most looking forward to about next year?
Having fairly recently been started on insulin for my steroid induced diabetes, I am looking forward to feeling significantly better than I have for quite some time.  After a steady and steep progression in my diabetes, and several times ending up needing to go to A&E with very high blood glucose levels, my GP referred me to the diabetes centre at one of the city's hospitals.  It took several weeks for the referral to come through and for the appointment date to arrive, but once I got to see the consultant I was very impressed, and have continued to be extremely impressed with the service the diabetes nurses provide.  They are gradually titrating up my insulin dose (currently on 18 units of biphasic insulin) and I am in very regular contact with the diabetes nurses while they do this.  I will be seeing the consultant again in three months, by which time I'm hoping to be feeling a huge improvement.  I'm already feeling a lot better than I was, and it's only as I begin to feel this improvement that I realise quite how utterly dreadful I had been feeling the entire time before, so roll on the rest of the improvement!  I can't wait!

Review of the year 2013

It's that time again when many of us take some time to look back at the year that has been.  2013 has been a difficult year for me, but I'm still going to do the annual review, so here goes...

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?  Probably just surviving it.  It's been tough in many different ways, and there were lots of times when I really doubted that I would get through.  I'm still alive, and I reckon that's a huge achievement for this year.

2. What made you laugh most this year?  Hmm ... I've had some good laughs with friends, particularly R and M.  Other than that, probably (repeats of) the TV show 'Miranda'.  Oh, and I went to see Eddie Izzard earlier in the year too, and he was very funny.
3. What unfulfilled hopes do you have for this past year?  I really wanted to get my book about my asthma finished, but I had a long, long time this year when I wasn't able to write at all.  I've done a bit to add to it, but not enough.
4. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?  Hmm, tricky ... Probably not one single piece of music.  I've gone back to listening to a lot of church choral music this year, maybe because I've done more singing again.  I miss taking part in that kind of music, making the music, but I do love listening to it, so I've listened to a lot of CDs of excellent church/cathedral choirs singing anthems and canticles.
5. What was your best holiday this year?  I've only had one holiday this year - when I went to Dorset, with stop-offs on the way and way back at Stratford and Derbyshire.  It was excellent, and revitalising. 
6. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?  I'm not sure that I have.  I'll have a think and get back to you if I come up with anything, but I'm not sure there's anything.
7. What's the best book you've read this year?  Oh gosh.  I usually read a lot, but for much of this year I found it very difficult to concentrate on reading so I've only read about eight books!  However, the best of those was probably 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom.  It's a memoir based around Mitch Albom's weekly meetings with his old university professor who now, twenty years after their first meeting, is dying.  It's a moving book, with both sadness and joy, but always full of life.
8. What has been the biggest challenge of this year?  Depression and the various reasons behind it, but particularly one very difficult situation that I haven't been able to write about on my blog, but that had repercussions through many aspects of my life.  In some rather complicated ways it got kind of tangled up with physical health stuff as well as depression, but things are at last settling.
9. What is your happiest/fondest memory of this year?  Despite the year's difficulties, I've been extremely lucky to have the friends I do, and my fondest memories of this year are those of fabulous friends who have shown me such love and gentleness, often at times when I was at my lowest.
10. Of what one creation of the past year are you most proud or pleased? I'm pretty pleased with some of the writing I have managed to do for my book, maybe in part because it's been so challenging to write, but if we're thinking of more artistic creations then I guess the piece of glass that I made at a glass workshop in November.  So far as skill is concerned, there was very little in it, but I know the frame of mind I had been in the morning of that day, how insecure and incapable I'd been feeling.  I got the fired pieces back just before Christmas, and I'm really pleased with the main piece that I spent most of the workshop working on.
11. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?  Singing.  Actually, that's not strictly true, because I helped to start up Flotsam (the choir) at the end of 2012, but I've kept at it this year, despite the hospital admissions and various health problems.  This year I also took part in the Christmas choir at church, which I haven't done for about three years.  We don't usually have a choir at the church I go to, but every year at Christmas those of us who want have six or seven rehearsals in the weeks running up to Christmas and 'perform' at the service of Nine Lessons and Carols.  It was lovely to be a part of that again.
12. What one thing would you really like to do next year?  Finish writing my book about my asthma.
13. What was the saddest thing of this year?  There has been a lot of sadness this year.  One was at the beginning of the year when my dad had to move in to a care home; another, just a few short weeks ago, was the death of my wonderful friend Caroline.
14. What has been your best discovery of this year?  Probably the company Good Wine Online who specialise in sulphite-free and low-sulphite wines.  I'm extremely allergic to sulphites and have missed having a glass of wine, because sulphite-free wines are practically impossible to find in the shops.  I was very, very lucky to be given a case of twelve bottles of wine from GWO from my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas.
15. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?  Gosh, a year of many news stories, with many of them being of particular note.  Possibly the two international news stories that I most remember are 1) The chemical weapons attack on the children in Syria; and 2)  The gunmen's siege of the shopping centre in South Africa.  Having said that, the news of Nelson Mandela's death was also significant.  I think a lot of the news stories about freak weather events, both abroad and in the UK, have also had a big impact on me - things that no-one can prevent and have potential to affect all regardless of status or wealth.  There seem to be increasing numbers of wild weather events causing widespread devastation.
16. What's the best film you've seen this year?  Another year when I haven't seen even half of the films I've wanted to see.  I've yet to see Philomena or Gravity, both of which or on my list to see before it's too late.  Perhaps the best film I saw this year was Les Miserables.
17. What was your best buy this year?  I think that has to be my Ugg boots.  Obviously I didn't get much wear from them through the summer, but they were great through the very cold spring and excellent again now.  My mum helped me buy them, and they were at her suggestion after I got frostbite in three of my toes in my left foot in February (actually, the night I went to see Les Miserables at the cinema).  My big toe has never fully recovered, and the circulation in my feet seems to be pretty poor, but the Ugg boots certainly help to keep my feet cosy.
18. What has been your best day out this year?  I was thinking about this in bed earlier today, trying to think of days out that I've had, and you know, they've been rather few and far between this year.  I had a nice day out with my brother, Dad, and step-mum around Easter time (I think my brother came up on his own, without his wife or children).  We went to Belsay and had a walk/trundle through the quarry garden to the castle.  Other than that, the other day/part-day out that sticks out was the glass workshop I mentioned earlier.
19. If there’s one thing you did this year that you’d do differently if you could, what would it be?  There was a misunderstanding and over-reaction (on my part) that led to an argument with an online friend.  It was resolved relatively quickly with the person it was actually with, but someone else jumped in on the act and raised it again months later.  If I could change that initial argument, misunderstanding, and over-reaction, I would.
20. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?  Yes, there's a place nearby that opened almost two years ago, but to which I haven't yet been and want to.  It's a sculptured landscape called Northumberlandia and is only about 20 minutes drive away so I really don't have any excuse.
21. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again?  The glass workshop.  Once I let go of the mangle of stuff in my head that day, I had a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I know that I will do it again because I got a voucher for Christmas from my step-dad for a full day's workshop at the same place :o)
22. Who gave you the best advice this year?  My psychologist.  She's given me lots of advice, or at least helped me to find my own advice, seeing as that's how therapy kind of works.  Actually, one of the best pieces of advice she did clearly give me was to share with my friends that I was depressed.  I was distancing myself from people, from my friends, in the fear that they'd distance themselves from me if they knew that I was depressed.  S made me realise the paradox in this and helped me to question the helpfulness of my action.  She suggested I tell some of them.  I have been blessed with wonderful friends who have embraced me in my depression and loved me through it.  I know it's not easy for them, but they've stayed with me all the same.  I thank God for them, and I thank S for her advice.
23. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?  I've forgotten the scraps of crochet that I learnt last year, but I'd like to learn to do it, and this time properly.  I need to persevere with it once I've started, and really acquire it as a skill.
24. What was your favourite TV/radio programme this year?  Broadchurch  I think I missed the first episode, but I saw the second with my mum and J when they were staying with me for a couple of days.  I got completely sucked in to it and loved it.  I was ridiculously excited when I discovered that West Bay, near where I went on my holiday, was where Broadchurch was filmed.  Fab.  Can't wait for a second series.
25. What would you like to make more time for next year?  Writing.  I have lots of time.  In many ways, far too much time, but I need to make sure that I dedicate a decent amount of that time to writing.  I need to stop thinking about it and just do it.  I need to stop talking about it and just do it.  I just need to do it.
26. What has been the biggest disappointment this year?  Most of the year has been a huge disappointment, and perhaps the resurgence of depression has been one of the biggest disappointments.  Some of the causes of some of that depression have maybe been bigger disappointments, but I suppose that ultimately I've been hugely disappointed in myself.  I have lost direction and lost some of myself, and that is an enormous disappointment.
27. What was the best or most enjoyable concert you went to this year?  Nigel Kennedy He's an odd chap, but a fantastic violinist, and his concert was amazing.  A huge mix of straight baroque, jazzed up baroque, and jazz, with a big eastern European influence at times.
28. What do you think was the best thing that you did for yourself during the last year?  Stood my ground when I needed to, even though it was incredibly difficult.  I sought the help that I needed to stand my ground, and to get through the protracted aftermath of it.  It was terrible in many ways, but has also been a huge relief - a step to getting myself back.
29. What is the biggest difference in yourself from this time last year?  I'm no longer in an abusive situation and I'm finding my way through the damage that was done.
30. What are you most looking forward to about next year?  Time with friends and time with family.  It's both my mum's and step-dad's 70th birthdays next year, and between the two they're having a joint birthday week away with all the family.  There's going to be immediate family like myself, my brothers, and my step-dad's brothers, but also extended family of my step-dad's nephews and their families.  I think various people will be coming and going through the week, but there's going to be one day of particular celebration when all those who can only come for the day will join us.  I'm really looking forward to the time away and the time with family.

Away with it

I haven't been away since Christmas.  I was meant to be going up to Edinburgh to stay with my mum and step-dad over Easter, but when the time came, I wasn't able to concentrate enough to drive that far safely.  Actually, I was barely driving at all because I didn't feel it was fair on other road-users for me to do so at the time, such was my lack of concentration.  In the end, Mum and J came down to me for a couple of days over Easter, and Mum's been down to stay with me a couple of times on her own since then too.  At last, I have made it up north to stay with them.  To be honest, my concentration still wasn't very good on the drive up, but I don't think I was dreadfully unsafe (I wouldn't have come if I thought I would be).  Thankfully the roads were pretty quiet too as I came up in the middle of a bank holiday weekend (Sunday), and it was a fairly easy run.

My sleep is still very erratic, and I don't know whether it was just the change of scenery or what, but last night was very unsettled.  I felt all wrong.  I can't really describe it ... just sort of out of place, which isn't something I usually feel at Mum's.  I think perhaps it's just the weird way that things are at the moment, but it was most unnerving, and it contributed to me not getting to sleep until after 6am.  Of course, this meant that I then didn't wake up terribly promptly, and eventually Mum woke me with a cuppa at 12.30pm.  There's something very lovely about being brought a fresh cup of tea in bed, don't you think?

The good weather seems to have left Edinburgh as soon as I've arrived (typical!) and today has been very blustery and a tad chilly.  Not that I went outside to experience the chilliness - I took J's word for it when he popped to the shops.  No, I have done very, very little today, almost to the point of beginning to go a little stir-crazy.  I have, though, played the piano.  Mum has a wonderful baby grand piano in the living room, which, for some reason, I've shied away from playing for the past couple of years, perhaps just because I haven't been playing much at home either.  However, I have played a little more at home recently, so I decided to bring some music up with me in case I got itchy fingers, especially as I don't have my violin with me.  I spent an hour or so this afternoon sight reading some Scarlatti sonatas, and playing one that I used to be able to play, but which hasn't seen the light of day for maybe seven years or so.  That one's the Sonata in B minor (in case you're interested), and it's odd because although I haven't played it for such a long time, I have 'sung' it in my head a huge number of times during these past difficult months.  Actually, it's a piece that has often come to mind at a variety of different points in life during those years that I haven't played it.  I've no idea why.  Anyway, I can't say that I brilliantly today, by any stretch of the imagination, but my fingers did seem to remember most of it - just enough so that at times I would forget to read the music and I'd then very quickly forget where I was up to and lose my place.  I have to say, it makes a big difference playing a proper piano to playing my digital piano that I got 21 years ago.

There are few things at the moment in which I can really lose myself, and from which I gain solace, but music is, at last, providing a bit of both again.  I still don't have the right words to do the writing that I really want to be getting on with, but I am reassured by the presence of creativity in a different area, perhaps a neighbouring area of brain.  That's what I'm hoping, anyway, and it does kind of feel like that.  It feels like the music might gently tickle the writing 'muscles' and nudge them in to action.  I know that I need that to happen, but I'm also just trying to take comfort in the creativity of the music itself.  I can lose myself in music, and whilst listening to music can achieve that to a degree, it doesn't satisfy the fidgetiness of emotional upset/distress.  In fact, when I'm depressed I find it very difficult to sit quietly and just listen to music.  I get so much more from actually making music at these times, and I get different thing from making music with the violin, from doing so with the piano, or by singing.  Although it's still very hard to feel very positive about anything very much, I can tell that the slightly alien feeling that's been nudging my insides since doing more music again has been the feeling of pleasure.  I have to keep reminding myself that that's what the feeling is so that I don't get frightened by it and run away.  I know that sounds odd...

So tomorrow I may well have another tinkle on the piano while Mum's out at her painting class and J's out at his bridge class (yes, they've taken to retirement now ;o) ), although that does rather depend on my managing to get to sleep at a relatively reasonable hour (it's already 12.45am) and getting up in the morning.  Mum will get back home from her art class soon after 1pm, and I'm hoping that, after we've had a little lunch, we may then go out to the countryside for a bit.  The weather forecast isn't fantastic, but it's better than Wednesday, and it would still be lovely to see the hills and the loch at Flotterstone.

I'm not up here for long - just a few days - but maybe this short time away from home will help.  Sometimes a change of scenery can interrupt the monotony of everyday 'life' when you live alone, can't work, aren't studying, and aren't well enough to do all the things you think you might if you didn't have the 'usual' commitments of family and work.  Sometimes feeling constantly exhausted and poorly isn't quite so miserable when I'm in a different place or seeing people - friends or family.  Sometimes, a bit of time away can help me through the relentless battles with my health.  That's what I'm hoping from these few days, though I'm not spending too much energy on hope in case I'm disappointed.

I'll sign off now.  See if I can shut my mind down and get some rest.  See if I can sleep tonight so that I can get up in the morning.  I will listen to the silence around me and hope it drowns out the noise of my thoughts.

Shuffling

It's a ridiculous length of time since I last posted, for which I apologise, but I really don't know what to say.  I'm sort of shuffling along, and I guess things are a little better than they were, but it's hard to see it day-to-day.

I'm not getting very much from the CPN, and have given up any expectations I had.  It's not that she isn't coming to visit, but more a difference in personalities, a clash of ideas of what might be helpful, and ... hmm ... how do I phrase this? ... I don't feel respected.  She obviously isn't a Christian, which shouldn't matter, and hasn't mattered in the past with other clinicians, and actually it shouldn't impact at all on the patient-CPN relationship, but it does because she dismisses my beliefs as unimportant at best, and as a sign of mental illness at worst.  I don't necessarily expect her to share my Christian beliefs, but I do expect her to respect them and not treat me as a nutter simply because I have a Christian faith.  I don't have extremist beliefs.  I'm not part of some strange cult or sect.  I am part of an Anglican Church community in the neighbouring parish to where I live, and within that community, some of my views are quite liberal.  All of it is far removed from anything that could be considered even remotely crazy.  So yes, it's tricky with her.  I feel as though I have to seem willing to try and at least give it a go, but I no longer have any expectations of helpfulness.

It's not just the thing about her response to my faith, there are other things too.  I suppose most significantly is that a lot of the time she makes me feel like I'm just a case study for her student.  I'm 'good experience' for her; I'm 'something interesting to look up' when they get back to the office; I'm a 'good example of a high functioning, intelligent depressive'; I'm 'a complex and interesting case' for the student to follow through, and 'Oh, wouldn't it be good if the student could see [me] get well, although she's only on this placement for another three week.'  No pressure then!

Thankfully I still have the psychologist who continues to be helpful.  The sessions are hard work, but I trust the psychologist and feel able to tell her anything, even if it's sometimes difficult to say the words.  The difficulty is in expressing myself or trusting myself with the words (which, I am aware, sounds odd), rather than difficulty with trusting the psychologist.

There's still a degree of crisis management being needed in the psychology sessions, and when it's not quite crisis management it's kind of one step removed from that - maybe day to day management rather than minute to minute.  Eventually I will be doing some specific work on the flashback aspect of the PTSD, but the psychologist wants me to be a lot more stable and feeling much more robust than I currently am because it's very demanding.  I know this from previous CBT I've had for totally different reasons, so in many ways I'm in no hurry to start this work, but on the other hand, 'life' with PTSD is crushing.

Between appointments with the psychologist and the CPN I do feel like I'm just shuffling.  I keep trying to write, but it keeps not happening - you have born witness to my lack of writing even on my blog - although I have managed to do some editing last week for an acquaintance's End of Module Assessment for their current Open University course.  My brain wasn't in the best place for doing it, because concentrating is still difficult, but it did make me feel useful and it was productive, so the hard work was worth it.  The other thing I have been doing is playing the violin a bit.  I used to play a lot.  At one time in the past it felt as though my violin was an extension of me, and although I'm not back to that stage, it does feel good to have that creative outlet again.  I started off with playing the piano again a few weeks ago, and I'm still doing a bit of that, but I get different things from the piano and violin, and it kind of feels like the bit of brain that does the violin playing is perhaps next to the bit of brain that does writing.  I'm hoping that the violin-playing bit might nudge awake the writing bit and get it working again.  I've mostly been playing one piece of music - Bach's Concerto for Violin and Oboe in D minor, although I've been playing the oboe part on the violin as this is the part my old violin teacher had me play.  It may only be three movements long, but I can spend a couple of hours playing, replaying, and taking this piece apart.  I play along to a CD recording so that I get the experience of playing the whole piece with an orchestra.  I'm not sure my neighbours appreciate it, but I try to ignore that and instead get absorbed in the music.  Even though I'm not able to do it every day, I think the fact that I can do it at all is progress, and maybe, just maybe it'll even help me progress further.

I'm sure there was something else I was going to say, but my mind seems to have turned to mush and suddenly I can't think where this post was going.  I guess it's part of the shuffle - it's a bit directionless, but with a general hope that it might be vaguely forwards.  Um, yes, so er, I've completely forgotten where this was going so I'll stop, but I'm hoping to get back well before the time between this post and the previous one.

Review of the year 2012

I know this is a little late, but I was very busy in the immediate run-up to New Year, and I've been wiped out since.  Still, I thought that late was better than never, so here it is: the review of the year for 2012

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?

Getting my MA. It was worth the work, but I've been exhausted much of the time, battling with various aspects of ill-health, so it was something of a miracle that I got through the MA and did so well.

2. What made you laugh most this year?

Probably a very drunken night (which is unusual for me) with W doing origami.  For some reason - probably because of the alcohol - it was hilarious.

3. What unfulfilled hopes do you have for this past year?

To finish my book about my asthma and my hospital experiences.

4. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?

Not one piece of music, but one (or rather two) CDs.  I've mentioned the Swing Bridge Singers before, and back at the beginning of 2008 I wrote about the 20th Anniversary concert that had just taken place.  That concert was recorded, and I ordered the CDs, but it took until this June to get them!  Those CDs were the only CDs in my car for at least two months, so it's safe to say that they have been the most listened to pieces of music for me in 2012.

5. What was your best holiday this year?

I enjoyed both my holidays this year - one in June with my mum and J in Northumberland, and one in September in Norfolk with W.  They offered different things so it's hard to say which was best.

6. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?

Crochet, sort of.  I've learnt the basics of how to do it, and I've made a small mat, though I don't really know what it's a mat for.  However, since making that I seem to have been unable to make a square with straight edges :o/  I'll have another go.

7. What's the best book you've read this year?

For some reason I only read 12 books last year, which is a bit lax for me.  Anyway, out of those 12, the best was probably a book for teens, 'My Name is Mina' by David Almond.  Definitely worth a read, and don't at all be put off by it being a book for teens.

8. What has been the biggest challenge of this year?

As ever, my health has been the biggest challenge.  In fact so much has happened since I posted 'Something else' that I really need to update you all, but not tonight.

9. What is your happiest/fondest memory of this year?

In question 4 I talked about the Swing Bridge Singers 20th Anniversary concert.  We've just had the Jubilee concert marking 25 years - one of the reasons I've been so exhausted since I got back from Edinburgh as the concert was on 30th December.  It was absolutely fantastic, and after some very difficult times before Christmas it was definitely the happiest I've been for a long while.

10. Of what one creation of the past year are you most proud or pleased?

The second cross stitch in a series of three in a Japanese style.  I'm currently working on the third in the series.  The second one was of 'Birds in Wisteria'.

11. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?

Singing.  It's obviously a reinstating of an old hobby, but now that we've started Flotsam I'm singing in a structured way again, i.e. in a choir, and I'm loving it.

12. What one thing would you really like to do next year?

I would really like to finish both my current books and at least start along the track of getting them published.  However, at the moment I have an horrific problem - the memory stick on which  both my books are saved suddenly seems to have become corrupted!  I am having a slight meltdown about this, and I'm hoping beyond all hope that it can be saved.  Thankfully I have most of the important stuff on it printed out, but the thought of retyping all that work before I can continue on with it fills me with dread.

13. What was the saddest thing of this year?

Seeing someone I love disappearing in to dementia.  It's terrible, and there's been a rapid decline in the last twelve months.

14. What has been your best discovery of this year?

That it seems that I might, possibly, maybe, actually be able to write for children.  I mean, write in a child-friendly way with stories that they like.  Writing for children was excluded from either of the creative writing modules in my undergraduate degree, although it was something I always wanted to do.  It's been great to have the opportunity to try it in my MA and find that I seem to be okay at it.

15. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?

The one that had the biggest emotional impact on me was probably the recent shootings in Conneticut.  They were so tragic, so terrible, so needless, so devastating.

16. What's the best film you've seen this year?

I've hardly been to the cinema at all this year.  Three times in all, I think.  One of those films was 'The Artist', which was masterful!

17. What was your best buy this year?

I would say my car, but as it's a Motability car then I haven't really bought it.  All the same, that will be my answer.  It's fantastic to have a car in which I can get my electric wheelchair - it's given me back my freedom.  I've already done more miles in it since the end of June, than I did in sixteen months of having my previous car simply because I can get my wheelchair in to it and be completely independent again.

18. What has been your best day out this year?

Most likely the Friday towards the end of August when I first went to County Durham to see my older Godson the day before his birthday, and then I went up to Beamish Museum for the Paralympic Flame Event.  I didn't get to carry the flame, but as I'd been nominated to do so I got a VIP ticket to attend, and I had a fabulous time.

19. If there’s one thing you did this year that you’d do differently if you could, what would it be?

A difficult situation that I didn't deal with as well as I would have liked.

20. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?

I would like to venture to the south coast again.  I think I said that last year, actually, and I didn't quite make it that far, but yes, I'd like to go somewhere along the south coast that I haven't been to in previous travels.  I may even take a holiday on my own down that way.

21. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again?

Hmmm, it's been a strange old year so it's a difficult question... There's a place just a little way out of Edinburgh that I went to with Mum and J when I was up there a little while back.  I think it's called Flotterston, though I'm not too sure.  Anyway, I'd like to go back there.  It was beautiful.

22. Who gave you the best advice this year?

My GP.  She told me to keep living my life, even if I have to do it differently from how I would have hoped.

23. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?

The skill of finding an agent and a publisher ;o)

24. What was your favourite TV/radio programme this year?

My favourite TV programme was, once again, Miranda.  I love it.  It's hilarious and is guaranteed to make me laugh whatever mood I'm in.  Radio?  I don't think there's one specific programme, but I've really enjoyed some of the Radio 4 Afternoon Dramas this year.

25. What would you like to make more time for next year?

Writing.  I mean writing in a more self-structured way.  I don't have the discipline of university now, so I have to find a way to do this myself.  Ironically, I think that part of making sure I get down to the writing will entail me getting busier with some other things.  That way I'll be able to have a more structured life, and will have definite times when I know I can't write, so I will have to make time specifically for writing.

26. What has been the biggest disappointment this year?

Probably not managing to get to the 'meet' in Liverpool with a group of my OU friends.  On the morning that I was supposed to be setting off - the day before the meet - I woke up with terrible gastroenteritis and a sky-high temperature.  The actually day of the meet was when I ended up in hospital with anaphylaxis after taking rehydration salts.  I still don't know what it was in them that caused the reaction.  Anyway, I was extremely disappointed not to get to the meet as I'd been looking forward to it for a long while, and they are great friends.

27. What was the best or most enjoyable concert you went to this year?

I've had several concerts booked to go to, but haven't got to any of them because I've ended up in hospital each time instead.  I suppose then, that rather than it being a concert for which I was going to be in the audience, I will have to say that the most enjoyable concert I went to this year was the Swing Bridge Singers Jubilee concert on 30th December.  Brilliant!

28. What do you think was the best thing that you did for yourself during the last year?

Start seeing a psychologist again.  It's hard work - therapy always is - but it's worth it.  My health is crap and it gives me a lot to contend with.  It was getting on top of me and I'd hardly realised quite how much it was wearing me down.  Although I had to wait a long time between the referral, the initial assessment, and eventually starting session, it was actually fortuitous that I started them at a time when there have been so many new diagnoses possibilities flying around (I really must give an update about all of that) and a time of flux for other reasons.

29. What is the biggest difference in yourself from this time last year?

I think the biggest difference is that I'm not feeling very settled.  This time last year I knew where I was up to, what I was doing, where I was aiming for, what my goals were, and I had a structure to do all that.  Now there are so many uncertainties and no structure at all.

30. What are you most looking forward to about next year?

Writing and living.  I had an experience at the end of 2011 that made me doubt that I would be alive at the end of 2012 (I don't really want to say anything more about that for now), so yes, living and being a part of 2013 is my answer, and writing is a part of that.

So what about all of you?  Tell me your answers to some of these questions, even though it's a little late as a review of 2012.  I'd like to learn a little more about some of you.

All sorts

There's a lot going on at the moment, some of it good, some of it very good, some of it not so good at all.

One of the very good things is that I got the final results for my MA and I got a Merit.  Hurray!  If I'm honest, I was actually slightly disappointed with this at first, but that's only because I set the expectations for myself very high, and actually, when I'd had time to reflect on it, I'm still proud of myself.  It's been a tough year, and to get through the course has been difficult enough at times, so to get a high Merit is good going.  When I had a look at my marked dissertation/portfolio there were a few points where I felt I could come back to the markers with comments, but of course that's not possible.  All in all, a good thing.  A very good thing.  I'm looking forward to graduating on 6th December.

Another good thing is that I've been involved in setting up a choir.  I'm not running it, but I've been helping find the venue, set up the bank account, help with advertising, setting up and checking the email account, taking subs, etc.  Many years ago I was in a youth choir, Swing Bridge Singers - I've spoken about them before.  I loved it, and it was probably the one good thing in my teenage years. The conductor/musical director (Scottee) is one of my most favourite people, as he is for many of the 600 or so people who have now passed through Swing Bridge Singers.  After a lot of years of being asked by ex-SBSers and SBS parents, Scottee agreed to do an adult version of Swing Bridge Singers.  We are called Flotsam and had our first rehearsal last week.  There was no way of knowing how many people would turn up, and whether or not we would have a choir, but in the event thirty two folk came along!  Not a bad turn out for week one.  The second rehearsal is this evening, and we're hoping for a few more folk to come, especially men as we only had four last week.  The four we had were very good, but they were rather outnumbered.   I'm loving it though. I came out last week feeling a bit more alive and reconnected with the world :o)

Now one of the not so good things is that my lungs are playing up.  During the day I'm not too bad.  My peak flow isn't very good, at an average of around 150, but at night time things are going totally pear-shaped.  I cough.  I wheeze.  I'm breathless.  I use my nebuliser again and again, and eventually it settles, but not until around 5.30am, and I'm getting exhausted.  I went to my GP today, knowing that there's not really anything she can do, although she did say to increase my furosemide (diuretic) in case my lungs are filling with fluid at night.  Then she suggested I get in touch with my consultant.  I have done that, and eventually got past his gate-keeper secretary, who started off saying that I should see my own GP, but then listened when I said that actually I was phoning on the advice of my GP.  My consultant has been busy all day, but his Registrar phoned me.  When I explained what was happening, and explained what medication I'm on he said he wasn't sure what to do either, but would speak to 'The Boss' and get back to me.  He has just done so, as I've been typing this.  The upshot is that they want me to go into hospital :o(  They want me to have some IV aminophylline and to try to stabilise things.  They want me to go in tonight :o(  This means I'm going to miss tonight's Flotsam :o(  They haven't actually got a bed for me at the moment, but the Registrar said they're going to make one - perhaps literally - and he'll phone me when they've got one :o(  I said to him that, if they can't get a bed tonight, I could go in tomorrow instead.  I was trying not to sound too hopeful, but I really wanted to go to Flotsam.  The Reg said that they really want me in tonight in case tonight is the night that everything goes belly-up :o(  I completely understand, and my rational head agrees with him, but I don't like it.

There's a load of other stuff going on too.  Stuff I can't talk about here.  That's the very not good stuff.

Anyway, I'm going to have to go because the Registrar has just phoned me back to say they've got a bed :o(

Booo

Re-engaging

It's taken me a while to get back into life after my most recent hospital admission, probably because it was such a long one, but I'm getting there now.  When I first came home I was feeling quite overwhelmed by the world, having spent most of the previous four weeks in one small room because of being MRSA positive.  I found that almost everytime I left my flat I'd begin to feel very emotional, and on several occasions was almost in tears simply because I was doing something normal.  I was alive.  I'd survived the asthma attacks (somewhat surprisingly), and was back in the world where people try not to think about being ill or death.  One day last week I was in Tesco when I suddenly felt really tearful at the normality of checking a box of eggs for broken ones.  It was almost too much, and part of me wanted to abandon my shopping and come home.  I didn't.  I moved on to the milk and instead nearly cried over the bottles as I considered the normality of checking expiration dates.

It's odd how emotional it can be to come home from hospital after a long admission.  I suppose it's partly the relief of having survived another severe attack, and this time there were various complications along the way that added to that relief.  Coming home can be exhausting as well, though, so perhaps some of the emotion comes from that too.  I mean, when you're in hospital you don't have to do anything except the hard task of get well (or relatively well) and then stay stable.  When you get home you have to maintain what stability of wellness you've achieved, hopefully improve further, and do all the day-to-day living things like meal-planning and prep, getting drinks, getting dressed, shopping, maintaining the home.  It's wonderful to be able to do these things, and to have the freedom of being home, but it is also exhausting and takes a fair amount of getting used to again.

I tend to throw myself back into life when I get home from hospital, often to the dismay of friends and family.  In part this is because I have so many hospital admissions, and so little time between them, that if I had 'recuperation time' then I'd only ever have that and time in hospital without any proper time for living a life.  It's also the way I've learnt to deal with the trauma of being in hospital, and yes, each admission is traumatic even though I'm used to it.  I am used to the routine.  I know what to expect in terms of treatment and procedures.  I know all too well what ITU and HDU are like.  I know the usual course of my attacks.  But I never get used to the uncertainty of my survival, the possibility that each attack may kill me.  I never get used to the fear and sensation of suffocation.  Each attack is physically and emotionally draining.  Jumping straight back into things when I'm home is my way of making the most of life while I have it, and reaffirming that there is more to my life than illness.

That is something I sometimes struggle with - knowing that there's more to my life than illness.  Sometimes I feel like I just bounce from one hospital appointment to another, to my GP, to my carers, to feeling ill, and back to hospital.  There's been a fair amount of that even during these past two weeks at home as it seems that I've developed some problems with my liver, most likely as a result of long-term high-dose steroids for my lungs.  Since coming home I've already been back to my GP once, had bloods taken by the surgery phlebotomist, been to the hospital for a scan, and been back to the surgery twice for blood results.  It's looking likely that I have (non-viral) hepatitis, so yet something else to contend with, and probably another referral to another hospital consultant and therefore yet more hospital appointments and 'life' as a patient, rather than life as BeckyG.  I'm hoping to get a better picture of things next week, and maybe find out a little more about diagnosis, prognosis, treatment (if any) etc.

All this liver stuff has certainly been making me feel rubbish, with pain and constant nausea, and more lethargy, and it might well be contributing to the water retention problems I've been having.  It's been more difficult to throw myself back into life, but I've been determined to do what I can so I actually managed to get to homegroup (bible study group) on Wednesday for the first time in a long time.  It was good to be there.  I was tired, but it was a small group of people who know me well, and I was able to share some of my worries and concerns with them, and pray about them, and that was all a relief. 

I also went to a Bellowhead concert on Monday night at The Sage.  I love Bellowhead, though I find it very difficult to describe their music ... perhaps you could call it funk folk...  Anyway, they're brill and they clearly enjoy themselves while they're performing.  I'll post some photos of the gig when I get around to taking them off my camera.  Actually, Monday night's Bellowhead gig went a long way towards helping me to feel alive again, like that kind of concert is what being alive is all about.  It was fantastic, and come to think about it, I've been a lot less suddenly tearful since then too :o)

So yes, I am gradually settling back into life outside of hospital, albeit with some (more) health complications, and I am re-engaging with the world :o)

A smashing time

Some of my friends gave me a ukulele as a graduation gift.  I've done a lot of music in the past, playing the violin, piano, and voice, and almost going to The Royal Acadamy of Music back in the mid/late '90s.  However, I've never played the guitar, so the ukulele is a whole new venture, but my friends thought that it'd be an ideal instrument for me as it's light, low-energy, and easy to play sitting (or lying) down.  I've only had the ukulele for two weeks, but I'm greatly enjoying learning it.

I went into town the other day in Taz - my electric wheelchair - to get some ukulele music and another book to teach myself as the book I'd previously bought doesn't give enough practise at the skills it teaches. I went to the main music shop in Newcastle city centre - Windows. It's a fantastic shop, and one that I almost lived in as a teenager with a love of making music.  It's also in the most beautiful old arcade - Central Arcade - which was first built as a commercial exchange and newsroom in 1869, but then rebuilt and opened as an arcade in 1906 after a terrible fire.

Windows has been in Central Arcade since 1908, so only just after the redesigned arcade was opened, and because of its age, Windows doesn't have a lift at all.  Most of the instruments and all of the sheet music are upstairs, so this made my quest to get ukulele music a little tricky.

I made my way to the counter at the far end of the shop, along the narrow aisles of the ground floor, past the expensive digital pianos and all the CDs and records (yes, they even have some vinyl!), and I asked the guy at the till for assistance from upstairs. No problem. All I had to do was wait at the bottom of the stairs, which were all the way back from where I'd come.

After a short wait a lovely young lady came down with lots of books she thought might be useful (I had explained to the man at the till what I was after), and also lots of advice as she plays the ukulele herself. Marvellous, and typical of Windows to have knowledgeable staff. I decided to buy a few helpful-looking books, and I followed her back down the narrow aisles to the till to pay. Still no problem ... until it came to leave...

There wasn't much space between the till and the end of the central racks full of vinyls and CDs; certainly not enough space to turn Taz around, so I had to reverse. However, I was reversing in a tight little space and not concentrating fully because a) I wasn't feeling too well; and b) I was trying to hold onto the rather large box of books I'd just bought in a carrier that was threatening to slip off my knee.

I reversed confidently into a set of free-standing metal shelves full of CDs, only now they weren't so full of CDs. I moved forward to disentangle myself from the shelves, but they had somehow attached themselves to the bottom of my wheelchair. The whole lot fell over. The lovely lady picked up all the CDs, and the grumpy-faced man who had earlier been on the till detached the shelves from Taz. Not so helpfully, he put them back to exactly the same place they had been, and when I then tried reversing again, I promptly crashed into them again. They were now rather bent. I eventually managed to turn Taz around and scoot up the aisle without damaging anything else.  The grumpy-faced, and now grumpy-natured, man held the door open for me as I left.


I hope he read the sticker on the back of Taz. It reads, 'Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.'

A great night out

I had a fantastic evening on Sunday.  I went to The Sage on the Gateshead bank of the Tyne.  I love it at the The Sage - the building is magnificent, the views are wonderful, the atmosphere is welcoming, and I always feel a degree of sophistication whenever I go there, no matter what kind of concert I'm going to.  The concert I went to on Sunday was Ladysmith Black Mambazo.

Ladysmith Black Mambazo were formed back in 1960 by the same guy who leads them now - Joseph Shabalala - but they were brought to international fame in 1986 when they worked with Paul Simon on his album 'Gracelands'.  Those of you in the UK may also know their music from the old Heinz baked beans ads on telly.

I love their music and have done ever since I first heard them, but I've always had a love of traditional African music or music based upon traditional African music.  The close harmonies are fantastic, and sometimes a little unexpected; when they perform live LBM perform without instruments so musical texture is produced entirely through voice; the performances are always vibrant and energy-packed, with an awful lot of the guys kicking their height, something I haven't been able to do for years, but even Mr Shabalala can do it and he's probably about 70 years old now!

The tour Ladysmith Black Mambazo are doing at the moment is promoting their new album, 'Songs From a Zulu Farm', which they describe as 'Taking the many songs and stories of their youth and adding new lyrics.'  Of course, they did some of their older songs known by the audience as well, but much of their performance on Sunday was taken from the new album.

Just before the penultimate song they said that we might recognise what they were about to sing, and that if we did then we should join in.  No doubt about it, the audience did all recognise the song.  It was 'Old MacDonald had a farm'  :o)   Okay, as a largely British audience we didn't know it in Zulu, which is what LBM sang it in, but a chicken sounds pretty much like a chicken whichever part of the world you come from, so we duly sang along ... and some of us even did the actions.  How many concerts have you been to where a couple of thousand adults sing 'Old MacDonald had a farm' whilst flapping their arms like a chicken?  No, I didn't think it'd be many ;o)

Here are a couple more photos of LBM...

The bloke on the far right of the last photo is Muntu Valdo. 

He was the support act.  I'd never heard of him before (though isn't that often the way with support acts?), but really liked his stuff.  He was very different from Ladysmith Black Mambazo, in both style and presentation, and it took a while for him to relax and engage with the audience, but once he did he was great.  It was just him and his guitar, but he mixed sound on stage, building up layers of guitar lines and/or vocal lines so that it sounded as though he was playing with a group or with a backing CD.  Actually, the point at which he really seemed to relax was when he told us about his on-stage mixing and demonstrated it.  From that moment on he talked to us a lot more and had us joining in singing and clapping.

The whole evening was wonderful, and reminded me of how much I love to do these things; how much I love engaging with life and making it happen.  In keeping with the spirit of making life happen, I booked another concert today, this time at to see Nigel Kennedy at Newcastle City Hall.  Nigel Kennedy is very different again from Ladysmith Black Mambazo, but I have a rather eclectic taste in music and I'm greatly looking forward to this concert as well, although it's not until September.  There's a lot of life to make happen before then.

Christmas special

This is a very quick post as I'm away in London for Christmas. I'm staying with my brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews, and have come down here from Edinburgh with my mum and step-dad. It's lovely all of us being together, and wonderful to having Christmas with the children. O is 3 years old now, and D is 15 months old.

Somewhere along the line O has misheard 'Away in a manger'. In this house we are all now singing 'Baby in a power ranger.' :oD If you tell O that it's really 'away in a manger,' he says, 'but I don't know that one. Let's sing 'Baby in a power ranger.'' :oD

HAPPY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

TLC

Sorry I've been a bit quiet of late and left you on a rather miserable note. I've needed a bit of time to wallow in the fed-upness and just let myself give in to the disappointment, particularly of the methotrexate situation. I'm beginning to come out of the fed-upness now and think that one thing that has helped is coming up to Edinburgh for a few days for some parental TLC. I was actually supposed to be going down to London to stay with my brother and his family, and to meet my 'new' nephew (you may remember he was born in September, but I still haven't had a chance to meet him), but they're all full of colds. Again, because of my lungs, it's not sensible to put myself in the middle of lurgy-ridden places as I pick bugs up so easily and what is a cold to most people usually turns into a lung crisis for me. I was hugely disappointed, and even more fed up with my lungs, not to get to London, but decided that I needed to get away for a bit anyway so have come up to my mother's for a few days. I haven't done very much while I've been here, but it's good to be able to rest and be looked after a little ... and also to play the baby grand piano that she bought a couple of weeks ago almost on the spur of the moment! It's quite an impulse buy, don't you think? But I have to say that it's rather wonderful and beautiful to play so I have been playing it a lot :o)

Today I really must get down to some study. I'm behind again, have an assignment (a dramatisation based on my last assignment) to get done by 19th, and I'm panicking a little now. Mind you, the general panic of study isn't helped by waiting for my exam results from the English Lit course, which are due any day now - Friday by the latest. I'm finding it really hard to settle down to work while I'm waiting on these results, which is silly really as there's absolutely nothing I can do about them now, and also I'm fairly certain that I've passed, it's just what level of pass I'll get. Eek! So yes, today I need to do some study. This should actually be helped by being at Mum's and on the receiving end of TLC asI don't have to do anything else much. I always feel like I should help with the cooking etc, but Mum gets a bit hassled if she does concede to let anyone help and actually prefers just to get on with it herself. At least she enjoys it :o)

Hmm, well I suppose I should go and get on with that study I've been talking about. You know, I could have a degree in procrastination ... if only I get around to it ;o)

'Static'

It's a few days now since I went to this, but I did promise that I'd let you know what it was about and what it was like, so here it is ... It's basically the story of a young woman whose husband dies suddenly and unexpectedly, and her subsequent finding of a compilation tape that he (Chris) made but never gave her. She thinks there's some hidden meaning in the tape, and becomes obsessed by this (and also for a while obsessed with the idea that he's trying to send messages 'from the other side' through the ether, recording the static in empty rooms). Chris' friend, Martin, is enlisted on this search for the secret message in the compilation tape, and eventually they work out that the message isn't in the music itself or the words of the songs, but in the song titles. Chris was deaf (and is played by a deaf actor), in the story having lost his hearing after a previous car accident in which Martin was driving several years previously (which is where a tense relationship between his wife and his sister, and between his sister and Martin come into the play), and they work out this vital piece of the jigsaw about the song titles being the important thing after realising that one of the songs on the tape was written after Chris lost his hearing and so would never have heard the music (he was profoundly deaf).

Although 'Static' may sound like loads of love stories, especially ones in which someone is left behind after a death, it was actually quite different from most things I've seen either on stage or TV/film. I think this was largely down to the extensive use of BSL (British Sign Language) in the play, which was also used in a very interesting way. Sometimes it was used as a direct translation of the spoken dialogue, or the lyrics of the music that was playing; sometimes it was the other way round and the dialogue was a direct translation of the sign; sometimes the dialogue and the sign complimented each other, almost like conversations within conversations; sometimes the sign was an interpretation of the dialogue or the meaning within the dialogue/music; sometimes it was a separate conversation; and sometimes the context in which the words were being spoken and signed simulateously were different, even if the words/signs themselves were direct translations. It was all very interesting.

It's been ever so interesting to think about it afterwards as well and to wonder about the accessability of the play as a whole to a wide audience. As I can sign I didn't miss out on what was being said in BSL and the complexities of how it was being used, or the different messages that were being given (and also how bits of the plot were revealed in sign before they were revealed in spoken dialogue). I wondered if those who couldn't sign, which would've been the majority of the audience, would feel as though they'd missed out. The friend I went with doesn't sign, and she said that although she didn't know what was being said, she found it fascinating to watch, and that the use of BSL, and it's integral part in the play, added something to it. She obviously missed out on the nuances, but she said that she was still very much able to enjoy the play and to follow what was happening easily, especially as sign is so expressive that you cannot but understand the general mood of the conversation.

Then I began to wonder about the accessibility of the play to deaf members of the audience. The music is so vital to the play, and so entwined within it, that I wondered if certain aspects would be missed by a deaf audience. I think they probably would, though I can't say that with authority as I didn't go with anyone who was deaf. On the other hand, however, both the actor who played Chris and one of the directors were deaf, and sign was used in such an integrated way, even in through some of the music, that it's obviously something that would've been thought about extensively. Fascinating stuff, and it's had me thinking all week.

Static is touring at the moment and it's a play I'd recommend seeing. According to the flyer, the places they have left on the tour are Drum Theare, Plymouth; Baby Grand, Belfast; Birmingham Repertory Theatre; and Soho Theatre, London (They've also been at Contact, Manchester this weekend, but I'm a bit late with that one). It's a co-production by two theatre companies - Suspect Culture and Graeae, neither or whom I can honestly say I'd heard of before, but both of whom I'd be interested in seeing more of.

Yes, definitely worth seeing if it's coming to a theatre near you, and if you can't see, then they provide audio description on asking too! There's even braille on their flyer, albeit only saying that it's a new play and a co-production between the two theatre companies. Still, that's more than any other theatre flyer I've seen before.