Review of the year 2013

It's that time again when many of us take some time to look back at the year that has been.  2013 has been a difficult year for me, but I'm still going to do the annual review, so here goes...

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?  Probably just surviving it.  It's been tough in many different ways, and there were lots of times when I really doubted that I would get through.  I'm still alive, and I reckon that's a huge achievement for this year.

2. What made you laugh most this year?  Hmm ... I've had some good laughs with friends, particularly R and M.  Other than that, probably (repeats of) the TV show 'Miranda'.  Oh, and I went to see Eddie Izzard earlier in the year too, and he was very funny.
3. What unfulfilled hopes do you have for this past year?  I really wanted to get my book about my asthma finished, but I had a long, long time this year when I wasn't able to write at all.  I've done a bit to add to it, but not enough.
4. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?  Hmm, tricky ... Probably not one single piece of music.  I've gone back to listening to a lot of church choral music this year, maybe because I've done more singing again.  I miss taking part in that kind of music, making the music, but I do love listening to it, so I've listened to a lot of CDs of excellent church/cathedral choirs singing anthems and canticles.
5. What was your best holiday this year?  I've only had one holiday this year - when I went to Dorset, with stop-offs on the way and way back at Stratford and Derbyshire.  It was excellent, and revitalising. 
6. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?  I'm not sure that I have.  I'll have a think and get back to you if I come up with anything, but I'm not sure there's anything.
7. What's the best book you've read this year?  Oh gosh.  I usually read a lot, but for much of this year I found it very difficult to concentrate on reading so I've only read about eight books!  However, the best of those was probably 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom.  It's a memoir based around Mitch Albom's weekly meetings with his old university professor who now, twenty years after their first meeting, is dying.  It's a moving book, with both sadness and joy, but always full of life.
8. What has been the biggest challenge of this year?  Depression and the various reasons behind it, but particularly one very difficult situation that I haven't been able to write about on my blog, but that had repercussions through many aspects of my life.  In some rather complicated ways it got kind of tangled up with physical health stuff as well as depression, but things are at last settling.
9. What is your happiest/fondest memory of this year?  Despite the year's difficulties, I've been extremely lucky to have the friends I do, and my fondest memories of this year are those of fabulous friends who have shown me such love and gentleness, often at times when I was at my lowest.
10. Of what one creation of the past year are you most proud or pleased? I'm pretty pleased with some of the writing I have managed to do for my book, maybe in part because it's been so challenging to write, but if we're thinking of more artistic creations then I guess the piece of glass that I made at a glass workshop in November.  So far as skill is concerned, there was very little in it, but I know the frame of mind I had been in the morning of that day, how insecure and incapable I'd been feeling.  I got the fired pieces back just before Christmas, and I'm really pleased with the main piece that I spent most of the workshop working on.
11. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?  Singing.  Actually, that's not strictly true, because I helped to start up Flotsam (the choir) at the end of 2012, but I've kept at it this year, despite the hospital admissions and various health problems.  This year I also took part in the Christmas choir at church, which I haven't done for about three years.  We don't usually have a choir at the church I go to, but every year at Christmas those of us who want have six or seven rehearsals in the weeks running up to Christmas and 'perform' at the service of Nine Lessons and Carols.  It was lovely to be a part of that again.
12. What one thing would you really like to do next year?  Finish writing my book about my asthma.
13. What was the saddest thing of this year?  There has been a lot of sadness this year.  One was at the beginning of the year when my dad had to move in to a care home; another, just a few short weeks ago, was the death of my wonderful friend Caroline.
14. What has been your best discovery of this year?  Probably the company Good Wine Online who specialise in sulphite-free and low-sulphite wines.  I'm extremely allergic to sulphites and have missed having a glass of wine, because sulphite-free wines are practically impossible to find in the shops.  I was very, very lucky to be given a case of twelve bottles of wine from GWO from my brother and sister-in-law for Christmas.
15. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?  Gosh, a year of many news stories, with many of them being of particular note.  Possibly the two international news stories that I most remember are 1) The chemical weapons attack on the children in Syria; and 2)  The gunmen's siege of the shopping centre in South Africa.  Having said that, the news of Nelson Mandela's death was also significant.  I think a lot of the news stories about freak weather events, both abroad and in the UK, have also had a big impact on me - things that no-one can prevent and have potential to affect all regardless of status or wealth.  There seem to be increasing numbers of wild weather events causing widespread devastation.
16. What's the best film you've seen this year?  Another year when I haven't seen even half of the films I've wanted to see.  I've yet to see Philomena or Gravity, both of which or on my list to see before it's too late.  Perhaps the best film I saw this year was Les Miserables.
17. What was your best buy this year?  I think that has to be my Ugg boots.  Obviously I didn't get much wear from them through the summer, but they were great through the very cold spring and excellent again now.  My mum helped me buy them, and they were at her suggestion after I got frostbite in three of my toes in my left foot in February (actually, the night I went to see Les Miserables at the cinema).  My big toe has never fully recovered, and the circulation in my feet seems to be pretty poor, but the Ugg boots certainly help to keep my feet cosy.
18. What has been your best day out this year?  I was thinking about this in bed earlier today, trying to think of days out that I've had, and you know, they've been rather few and far between this year.  I had a nice day out with my brother, Dad, and step-mum around Easter time (I think my brother came up on his own, without his wife or children).  We went to Belsay and had a walk/trundle through the quarry garden to the castle.  Other than that, the other day/part-day out that sticks out was the glass workshop I mentioned earlier.
19. If there’s one thing you did this year that you’d do differently if you could, what would it be?  There was a misunderstanding and over-reaction (on my part) that led to an argument with an online friend.  It was resolved relatively quickly with the person it was actually with, but someone else jumped in on the act and raised it again months later.  If I could change that initial argument, misunderstanding, and over-reaction, I would.
20. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?  Yes, there's a place nearby that opened almost two years ago, but to which I haven't yet been and want to.  It's a sculptured landscape called Northumberlandia and is only about 20 minutes drive away so I really don't have any excuse.
21. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again?  The glass workshop.  Once I let go of the mangle of stuff in my head that day, I had a wonderful time and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I know that I will do it again because I got a voucher for Christmas from my step-dad for a full day's workshop at the same place :o)
22. Who gave you the best advice this year?  My psychologist.  She's given me lots of advice, or at least helped me to find my own advice, seeing as that's how therapy kind of works.  Actually, one of the best pieces of advice she did clearly give me was to share with my friends that I was depressed.  I was distancing myself from people, from my friends, in the fear that they'd distance themselves from me if they knew that I was depressed.  S made me realise the paradox in this and helped me to question the helpfulness of my action.  She suggested I tell some of them.  I have been blessed with wonderful friends who have embraced me in my depression and loved me through it.  I know it's not easy for them, but they've stayed with me all the same.  I thank God for them, and I thank S for her advice.
23. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?  I've forgotten the scraps of crochet that I learnt last year, but I'd like to learn to do it, and this time properly.  I need to persevere with it once I've started, and really acquire it as a skill.
24. What was your favourite TV/radio programme this year?  Broadchurch  I think I missed the first episode, but I saw the second with my mum and J when they were staying with me for a couple of days.  I got completely sucked in to it and loved it.  I was ridiculously excited when I discovered that West Bay, near where I went on my holiday, was where Broadchurch was filmed.  Fab.  Can't wait for a second series.
25. What would you like to make more time for next year?  Writing.  I have lots of time.  In many ways, far too much time, but I need to make sure that I dedicate a decent amount of that time to writing.  I need to stop thinking about it and just do it.  I need to stop talking about it and just do it.  I just need to do it.
26. What has been the biggest disappointment this year?  Most of the year has been a huge disappointment, and perhaps the resurgence of depression has been one of the biggest disappointments.  Some of the causes of some of that depression have maybe been bigger disappointments, but I suppose that ultimately I've been hugely disappointed in myself.  I have lost direction and lost some of myself, and that is an enormous disappointment.
27. What was the best or most enjoyable concert you went to this year?  Nigel Kennedy He's an odd chap, but a fantastic violinist, and his concert was amazing.  A huge mix of straight baroque, jazzed up baroque, and jazz, with a big eastern European influence at times.
28. What do you think was the best thing that you did for yourself during the last year?  Stood my ground when I needed to, even though it was incredibly difficult.  I sought the help that I needed to stand my ground, and to get through the protracted aftermath of it.  It was terrible in many ways, but has also been a huge relief - a step to getting myself back.
29. What is the biggest difference in yourself from this time last year?  I'm no longer in an abusive situation and I'm finding my way through the damage that was done.
30. What are you most looking forward to about next year?  Time with friends and time with family.  It's both my mum's and step-dad's 70th birthdays next year, and between the two they're having a joint birthday week away with all the family.  There's going to be immediate family like myself, my brothers, and my step-dad's brothers, but also extended family of my step-dad's nephews and their families.  I think various people will be coming and going through the week, but there's going to be one day of particular celebration when all those who can only come for the day will join us.  I'm really looking forward to the time away and the time with family.

Christmas and all that jazz

In case you haven't noticed, it's Christmas time.  Well, it's been Christmas and now we're in that limbo time between Christmas and New Year, during which I have done a whole lot of nothing.  It's been prescribed nothingness because I've got some collapsed vertebrae (i.e. compression fractures in the spine) in my lower spine.  It's another side effect of the long-term high-dose steroids I take for my lungs.

I first had back pain in August/September, but didn't think much of it.  Then a couple of weeks ago I suddenly had excruciating pain that was making my legs feel weird - kind of tingly and achy all at once - and some weakness in left leg.  I thought maybe I'd pulled something so waiting until the next day to go to my GP, thinking that maybe a good night's sleep would help.  Only I didn't get a good night's sleep, and half way through the next day I decided that I probably should see my doc.  When I did at last see him he sent me straight up to A&E, which was rather a surprise because I hadn't thought that back pain would warrant an A&E trip.  X-rays apparently showed vertebral wedging and compressed vertebrae, and the A&E doc decided that I needed to have an urgent MRI, though thankfully not so urgent that I needed to be kept in.  It turns out that a request for an urgent MRI can take several weeks, but I got my appointment through the other day, weirdly for next Sunday at stupid o'clock in the morning.

So I've spent the majority of the festive season flat on my back dosed up on Tramadol.  Unfortunately Tramadol and alcohol are a bad combination, so I've had to skip the meds on the days I've wanted a drink, like Christmas Day.  I don't usually drink much alcohol, but I have to say that I did make an exception this Christmas, although it was spread throughout the day.

Despite essentially having a broken back, I had a lovely Christmas Day.  I've usually gone to my mum's in Edinburgh for Christmas, but this year she and my step-dad spent it with one of my brothers and his family down south, so I went to my good friends R and M.  Just to be clear, I was invited; I didn't just turn up and say, 'Hi, I'm spending the day with you, and by the way, happy Christmas' ;o)  R and M picked me up around 11am, and as previously arranged, we were all in our Christmas pyjamas for a truly comfortable Christmas Day :o)  When we arrived back at R and M's it wasn't long before we got stuck in to the enormous spread of cheese and biscuits and wine.  Mmmmmmmmm cheese.....  I think it's fair to say that we stuffed ourselves.

Once we could move again, or rather, once R could move again - about six hours later - she started on the Christmas dinner.  As my main contribution to the shared meal, I'd bought the turkey, but R did amazing things to it (nothing weird!  Just tasty things like soaking it in brine and spices for 24 hours prior to cooking, as per a Nigella recipe) to make it exceptionally tasty and succulent.  Ahh, it was delicious!  Oh yeah, we had all the usual turkey trimmings too, but it was an hour and half later that any of us were able to squeeze in a slither of my mum's Becky-friendly Christmas cake.  In fact, it probably would have been longer if time hadn't been an issue, but my taxi was due at 11pm, so it was then or never (or more likely, Boxing Day), and seeing as we hadn't opened the Baileys it seemed rude not to wash down the cake with a large glass of the creamy stuff each :o) hic!

So that's an outline of my Christmas Day.  A very relaxing day with friendship, food, alcohol, presents (yes, we had a time of presents too, obviously), chat, laughs, Doctor Who, cheese, santa hats, pyjamas, fun, and lying around on the sofa.  Yes, I'm rather afraid that I hogged one of their sofas (sorry R and M), but I was only obeying doctors' orders, and neither or them seemed to mind ... or at least, they didn't say they minded...

Anyway, Christmas Day was lovely.

I've had a very, very quiet time since then, having done very little indeed.  I've needed it to be like that, if I'm honest, although it's also a bit lonesome at times, and definitely boring.  I've caught up on some of my TiVo recordings, cuddled the cat a lot, slept a lot (thanks to the Tramadol), read a bit, tried not to think too much about most of the year that has been (although I will be doing so in the next day or two for my annual Review of the Year), and enjoyed the Christmas decorations.

My mum and step-dad are coming down to stay for a few days over New Year.  R and M are coming on New Year's Eve too :o)  It'll be another cheese fest with wine, chat, and maybe some games, but generally low-key.  I'm looking forward to seeing Mum.  For all that I had an excellent Christmas Day, I did miss Mum too.  She and J were only going to stay until Friday, but since I got my MRI appointment for Sunday, Mum's offered to stay until after that and come to it with me :o)  We won't get any results then - they'll take two to three weeks to get back to my GP (oh, and they're checking for disc, nerve, and spinal cord involvement) - but it'll still be good to have her support.

It's still early days for my back - I'm told it will take two to three months to repair itself - but the rest/lying down does seem to be helping.  Having said that, I will go completely mad if I'm not able to get up and do things soon, and I'm pretty sure it would be good for my back muscles to start having to do some work before long ... wouldn't it?  It's surprising how little information I've been given about these sorts of things actually.  Hmm.  Oh well, I guess the doc will tell me more when I go for a check up the week after next.

Well for now I think it's time I peel myself off the sofa, feed the cat, and go to bed.  The Tramadol (and nefopam and paracetamol) has really messed with my sleep pattern, but I don't care much if it means that I sleep through some of the pain.



Oh, and my blogosphere new year's resolution will be to post more often.  I've been rubbish at it this year.  Sorry.  It's been tough.

Thankful

There are a various things going on for me at the moment, most of which I can't discuss in this public arena.  I'm afraid I'll have to be vague and just say that it continues to be a difficult time, so to counteract this, and to lighten the mood of my blog from recent months, I'm going to spend a bit of time thinking about things for which I'm thankful.


1.  Poisonous ivy

Specifically, I'm thankful for the poisonous ivy that's growing up the side of the house opposite mine at the back.  The ivy has been there for years, and other than cheering up a drab wall has been of little note, but this year it has provided a safe place for a pair of blackbirds to nest.  I live in a built up area only a couple of miles outside of the city centre, and very few houses in my immediate neighbourhood have gardens that encourage small birds, but there has been a noticeable difference in recent years.  Maybe it's the conservation work done by 'Friends' of the park down the road, or perhaps folk have been putting bird seed/food out, but over the past few years there has been a rise in the number of small birds in the area (as opposed to pigeons and sea gulls).  We've had a lone blackbird for the past two or three summers that has sat on the chimney stacks and filled the air with beautiful song.  I love blackbird song, and this year the air is rich with it because the lone male has found a young lady blackbird and the pair have nested high in the poisonous ivy opposite.  Apparently blackbirds have two or three broods a year, and my neighbourhood pair are already on to their second.  It's wonderful.  It's not often very noisy at the back, so if you're very quiet and listen carefully, you can hear the tiny chirruping of the chicks in the nest.  As the chicks have grown, the adults - particularly the male - try to entice the youngsters from the nest with a morsel of food and a short whistle of song.  With a lot of encouragement, the fledglings dare to take their first tentative flutters from the safety of their nest and soon learn to fly with confidence.  I love watching this circle of life unfold almost in front of me, and listening to the variety of beautiful blackbird song, and every so often one or other of the adults will venture in to my yard in their hunt for food.  I'm not quite sure what it is they find on the concrete or amongst the flower pots, but they always seem to go away with something in their beak.  Yes, I'm thankful for the blackbirds, and for the poisonous ivy for giving them a safe place to nest.

2.  Friends

I have some wonderful friends who have stuck by me in both difficult times and good.  They text me, phone me, come round to my flat, take me out for an afternoon, send me cards in the post and private messages on Facebook, make me cups of tea, invite me round to their homes, make me laugh, share my tears, sit with me, go with me to the coast or the park, swap a little part of themselves for a little part of myself.  At times my trust in friendship has been challenged by folk who have presented themselves as friends, but have turned out to be far from that.  Those around me now are genuine, safe, trustworthy, and true, and to know that for certain after betrayals that have been is very precious and definitely something for which I am thankful.

3.  Sunshine

It feels like a long time since we had any prolonged sunshine up here in the north-east of the country - perhaps a couple of years - but the last week or so has been beautiful.  Today has been a fair bit cooler with temperatures back down to 16-17C, but I don't mind because the forecast is for it to warm up again tomorrow and Friday.  Sunshine lightens me.  Of course it doesn't take the stresses away, it doesn't make them smaller, it doesn't make them any easier to deal with, but it does force in a smidgen of light.  The warmth of the sun entices me outside, even if it's just to the back yard, and wraps itself around me, like a hug from God.

4.  The cat and the vet

Zach is so precious to me.  He is a wonderful cat with enormous character who seems to know when I'm upset, when I'm ill, and when I need cuddles.  He also loves to come for cuddles when I'm lying on the sofa with the computer perched on my legs and tummy; he leaps up, on to my feet, clambers around the side of the laptop, sits on my chest in front of the computer screen, and purrs in my face.  Not particularly helpful for typing or seeing any of what I'm trying to do on the laptop, but his purrs are irresistible so he more often than not gets the cuddles he's demanding.  He's got his summer coat at the moment (obviously), which seems to be a great deal thinner than his winter one, and as he's aged he's lost a fair bit of muscle mass.  He's still very fit and healthy, but he'll be sixteen later this month so he's getting to be an old man and I can feel the bones of his spine when I stroke down his back.  He spends a lot more time sleeping now than he used to, although he still has a lot of crazy running around times, and he is still fantastic company.  I love Zach so very much and I'm thankful for the love and joy that I get from him.  He hasn't often needed a vet for anything very severe (only twice in his life), but even the little things they do for him make me thankful that they are there.  I had to take him last Friday because his claws needed clipping.  They'd needed to be done for a couple of weeks, but with stresses of recent times I'm afraid that they'd been somewhat forgotten about, and then on Friday he got the two innermost claws on his front paws entwined in each other when he was clawing at his scratching post.  He couldn't get them unhooked so I had to help, which wasn't easy and he was obviously distressed about the situation.  I explained to the veterinary nurse what had happened when I took him for his claw-clipping an hour later and she had the vet take a look at him.  The poor little lad has sprained one of the toes on each of his front paws, but he's okay, and after keeping a close eye on him for the past 5 days I think he's probably healed now.  So yes, I am thankful for the vet for keeping my precious little lad healthy and checking him over for free last week.

5.  My wheelchair

When I think what I used to be able to do it almost seems unreal ... it certainly feels unfair at times.  One of my brothers and his family are going camping this summer, which is something I used to love.  The last time I went camping was in 2006 when I had an amazing holiday on my own, camping my way around the country for four and a half weeks.  It was meant to be three and half weeks, but I extended it after spending a week in hospital (including ITU) in Cornwall, not letting a little thing like the inability to breathe stop me from having the holiday I'd planned.  It was fantastic, but I suspect that I'm not very likely to camp again as there's a significant lack of electric plug sockets in a tent from which to charge a powered wheelchair.  All the same, I'm thankful for my wheelchair - Noah - because it gives me other freedoms - the freedom of independence in the outside world.  Of course, there are limitations as many buildings still aren't fully accessible, and much of the countryside isn't at all wheelchair friendly, for example, but I can go out, on my own, on the bus, in to town, to the park, along many public footpaths further afield if I go out in the car. I don't have to rely on family, friends or carers to push me in an attendant-assisted wheelchair, or on my lungs for breathing to use a manual wheelchair, or on my balance (POTS) and lungs for walking.  My independence is important to me, and I'm thankful that I have access to a means to maintain that independence as much as is possible.

6.  My mind

Okay, so depression is awful, but depression isn't all that my mind has given me.  I'm thankful that I have the mind I do, because with it I can think things through, I can reason, I can consider, I can be logical, and I can be illogical.  My mind gives me choices and the capacity to make decisions;  it allows me to challenge situations and concepts; it contributes to my creativity; it helps me to recognise emotions and identify why I feel what I do when I do.  Without my mind I would not know that there are things for which to be thankful, and I wouldn't know that I am thankful for those things.

7.  God

The ultimate 'thing' for which I am thankful is God.  Without Him I would not have my mind, my thankfulness, my being, or anything else which deserves thanks.  I thank God for God.

Review of the year 2012

I know this is a little late, but I was very busy in the immediate run-up to New Year, and I've been wiped out since.  Still, I thought that late was better than never, so here it is: the review of the year for 2012

1. What has been your biggest achievement this year?

Getting my MA. It was worth the work, but I've been exhausted much of the time, battling with various aspects of ill-health, so it was something of a miracle that I got through the MA and did so well.

2. What made you laugh most this year?

Probably a very drunken night (which is unusual for me) with W doing origami.  For some reason - probably because of the alcohol - it was hilarious.

3. What unfulfilled hopes do you have for this past year?

To finish my book about my asthma and my hospital experiences.

4. What has been your favourite/most listened to piece of music this year?

Not one piece of music, but one (or rather two) CDs.  I've mentioned the Swing Bridge Singers before, and back at the beginning of 2008 I wrote about the 20th Anniversary concert that had just taken place.  That concert was recorded, and I ordered the CDs, but it took until this June to get them!  Those CDs were the only CDs in my car for at least two months, so it's safe to say that they have been the most listened to pieces of music for me in 2012.

5. What was your best holiday this year?

I enjoyed both my holidays this year - one in June with my mum and J in Northumberland, and one in September in Norfolk with W.  They offered different things so it's hard to say which was best.

6. What new skill, if any, have you acquired this year?

Crochet, sort of.  I've learnt the basics of how to do it, and I've made a small mat, though I don't really know what it's a mat for.  However, since making that I seem to have been unable to make a square with straight edges :o/  I'll have another go.

7. What's the best book you've read this year?

For some reason I only read 12 books last year, which is a bit lax for me.  Anyway, out of those 12, the best was probably a book for teens, 'My Name is Mina' by David Almond.  Definitely worth a read, and don't at all be put off by it being a book for teens.

8. What has been the biggest challenge of this year?

As ever, my health has been the biggest challenge.  In fact so much has happened since I posted 'Something else' that I really need to update you all, but not tonight.

9. What is your happiest/fondest memory of this year?

In question 4 I talked about the Swing Bridge Singers 20th Anniversary concert.  We've just had the Jubilee concert marking 25 years - one of the reasons I've been so exhausted since I got back from Edinburgh as the concert was on 30th December.  It was absolutely fantastic, and after some very difficult times before Christmas it was definitely the happiest I've been for a long while.

10. Of what one creation of the past year are you most proud or pleased?

The second cross stitch in a series of three in a Japanese style.  I'm currently working on the third in the series.  The second one was of 'Birds in Wisteria'.

11. What new hobby did you take up/old hobby did you reinstate this year?

Singing.  It's obviously a reinstating of an old hobby, but now that we've started Flotsam I'm singing in a structured way again, i.e. in a choir, and I'm loving it.

12. What one thing would you really like to do next year?

I would really like to finish both my current books and at least start along the track of getting them published.  However, at the moment I have an horrific problem - the memory stick on which  both my books are saved suddenly seems to have become corrupted!  I am having a slight meltdown about this, and I'm hoping beyond all hope that it can be saved.  Thankfully I have most of the important stuff on it printed out, but the thought of retyping all that work before I can continue on with it fills me with dread.

13. What was the saddest thing of this year?

Seeing someone I love disappearing in to dementia.  It's terrible, and there's been a rapid decline in the last twelve months.

14. What has been your best discovery of this year?

That it seems that I might, possibly, maybe, actually be able to write for children.  I mean, write in a child-friendly way with stories that they like.  Writing for children was excluded from either of the creative writing modules in my undergraduate degree, although it was something I always wanted to do.  It's been great to have the opportunity to try it in my MA and find that I seem to be okay at it.

15. What news story of this year has had the biggest impact on you/do you most remember?

The one that had the biggest emotional impact on me was probably the recent shootings in Conneticut.  They were so tragic, so terrible, so needless, so devastating.

16. What's the best film you've seen this year?

I've hardly been to the cinema at all this year.  Three times in all, I think.  One of those films was 'The Artist', which was masterful!

17. What was your best buy this year?

I would say my car, but as it's a Motability car then I haven't really bought it.  All the same, that will be my answer.  It's fantastic to have a car in which I can get my electric wheelchair - it's given me back my freedom.  I've already done more miles in it since the end of June, than I did in sixteen months of having my previous car simply because I can get my wheelchair in to it and be completely independent again.

18. What has been your best day out this year?

Most likely the Friday towards the end of August when I first went to County Durham to see my older Godson the day before his birthday, and then I went up to Beamish Museum for the Paralympic Flame Event.  I didn't get to carry the flame, but as I'd been nominated to do so I got a VIP ticket to attend, and I had a fabulous time.

19. If there’s one thing you did this year that you’d do differently if you could, what would it be?

A difficult situation that I didn't deal with as well as I would have liked.

20. Is there anywhere you'd like to visit next year?

I would like to venture to the south coast again.  I think I said that last year, actually, and I didn't quite make it that far, but yes, I'd like to go somewhere along the south coast that I haven't been to in previous travels.  I may even take a holiday on my own down that way.

21. Name one thing you did this year that you'd like to do again?

Hmmm, it's been a strange old year so it's a difficult question... There's a place just a little way out of Edinburgh that I went to with Mum and J when I was up there a little while back.  I think it's called Flotterston, though I'm not too sure.  Anyway, I'd like to go back there.  It was beautiful.

22. Who gave you the best advice this year?

My GP.  She told me to keep living my life, even if I have to do it differently from how I would have hoped.

23. What new skill would you like to acquire next year?

The skill of finding an agent and a publisher ;o)

24. What was your favourite TV/radio programme this year?

My favourite TV programme was, once again, Miranda.  I love it.  It's hilarious and is guaranteed to make me laugh whatever mood I'm in.  Radio?  I don't think there's one specific programme, but I've really enjoyed some of the Radio 4 Afternoon Dramas this year.

25. What would you like to make more time for next year?

Writing.  I mean writing in a more self-structured way.  I don't have the discipline of university now, so I have to find a way to do this myself.  Ironically, I think that part of making sure I get down to the writing will entail me getting busier with some other things.  That way I'll be able to have a more structured life, and will have definite times when I know I can't write, so I will have to make time specifically for writing.

26. What has been the biggest disappointment this year?

Probably not managing to get to the 'meet' in Liverpool with a group of my OU friends.  On the morning that I was supposed to be setting off - the day before the meet - I woke up with terrible gastroenteritis and a sky-high temperature.  The actually day of the meet was when I ended up in hospital with anaphylaxis after taking rehydration salts.  I still don't know what it was in them that caused the reaction.  Anyway, I was extremely disappointed not to get to the meet as I'd been looking forward to it for a long while, and they are great friends.

27. What was the best or most enjoyable concert you went to this year?

I've had several concerts booked to go to, but haven't got to any of them because I've ended up in hospital each time instead.  I suppose then, that rather than it being a concert for which I was going to be in the audience, I will have to say that the most enjoyable concert I went to this year was the Swing Bridge Singers Jubilee concert on 30th December.  Brilliant!

28. What do you think was the best thing that you did for yourself during the last year?

Start seeing a psychologist again.  It's hard work - therapy always is - but it's worth it.  My health is crap and it gives me a lot to contend with.  It was getting on top of me and I'd hardly realised quite how much it was wearing me down.  Although I had to wait a long time between the referral, the initial assessment, and eventually starting session, it was actually fortuitous that I started them at a time when there have been so many new diagnoses possibilities flying around (I really must give an update about all of that) and a time of flux for other reasons.

29. What is the biggest difference in yourself from this time last year?

I think the biggest difference is that I'm not feeling very settled.  This time last year I knew where I was up to, what I was doing, where I was aiming for, what my goals were, and I had a structure to do all that.  Now there are so many uncertainties and no structure at all.

30. What are you most looking forward to about next year?

Writing and living.  I had an experience at the end of 2011 that made me doubt that I would be alive at the end of 2012 (I don't really want to say anything more about that for now), so yes, living and being a part of 2013 is my answer, and writing is a part of that.

So what about all of you?  Tell me your answers to some of these questions, even though it's a little late as a review of 2012.  I'd like to learn a little more about some of you.

Full of busy

Since I got back from Edinburgh I've had a very busy time, which is why I haven't been around on here, but I promise I will try to make time for blogging again.

Last week was my first week back at university after the Easter holidays, and this term I have three modules for my MA running concurrently.  Two of them only have a few weeks left, but they both then have assignments that need to be written.  One of these modules has two pieces of work, but the first is only a short piece of 750 words - a review of an event - and I've done that already.  However, I do need to seriously start working on the longer essay.  I do have a bit of time till it's due in - 6th June - so I'm trying not to get stressed out about it.  The problem is, though, that I can never be sure when I'm going to end up back in hospital, so I can't rely on having all the time until the essay's due in to actually write it.  Alongside that, there're are also the other two modules, and whilst I've done the first draft (and a couple of redrafts) of the piece I'm doing for the novel writing workshop module, there's still a bit to do for it, and there's the entire piece for the Writing for Children module.  I've only just started that module and as yet have only a very basic idea of what I'm going to do for it. I'm looking forward to getting stuck in to it, but it's going to be a challenge, I know that for sure.  The assignment for Writing for Children is due in on 11th June, so you can see that I have a lot to do at the moment.

So I had three classes last week, and each class is two hours.  That might not sound like much, but it's hard work when you're doing it alongside life with POTS and chronic severe brittle asthma, and although I find that writing and studying sustains me, the effort of going to classes can be exhausting.  Overall, it's a great thing, which is why I keep on doing it, but it also means that I'm constantly battling with the conflict of wanting and needing to study/go out, and wanting and needing to rest.  Last week was a week when I couldn't do as much resting as I needed, and consequently I spent a lot of the weekend recovering.

Aside from study, last week, I also had my assessment appointment with the health psychologist.  I was nervous because I didn't want it to end up with the same outcome as when I saw the psychologist at the difficult asthma clinic.  As I've said previously, that concluded with the psychologist giving me a verbal pat on the back for having come so far since I saw a psychologist in the department years ago, and then basically being sent on my way.  This time I needed the psychologist to understand that what I'm dealing with now is a whole lot of different things from what I was dealing with nine years ago.  I needed to get across that the issues I need help with at the moment are issues about now, issues to do with my health and how the lack of health is impacting on my life, the upset of that, and the difficulties of adapting to ever shifting boundaries of limitation that my health is imposing.

The psychologist I saw wasn't someone I recognised, but then it is nine years since I was last going to the department regularly so it's not surprising that some staff have changed.  However, as I've taken part in extensive therapy before I wasn't afraid of actually talking to the psychologist, and found that I was quite easily able to open up and talk to her freely.  I have to admit that I was very surprised at how emotional I got when I was talking to her.  Most of the time I try just to get on with my situation and my life, making the most of what I have, but having the opportunity to talk to someone impartial about all the upsetting things made me very tearful.

One of the things I want to have the chance to talk about is the loss of my hopes and dreams.  I had many.  I've lost most of them.  I've made new dreams and have different hopes, but they don't stop me from grieving the loss of those that I had, and those are things that I need to be able to share and come to terms with.

It was a productive appointment.  As far as a psychology appointment can be good, it was, and I really felt that psychologist I saw got a handle on the issues I'm dealing with and understood their far-reaching consequences.  All through the appointment, though, I was wondering if I was touching all these sensitive issues only to have the psychologist turn around to me at the end and say that she couldn't help.  However, much to my relief, she said that she thought the referral was completely appropriate and that she did think the department would be able to offer me some input.  It may not be with her, but if it was to be with one of her colleagues then she'd pass on everything I'd told her (she took notes while we talked), and it'd only be with her colleague if it was going to be quicker for me to start with them than with her.  Unfortunately all that can be offered is six to ten session, but she assured me that should I need more from them in the future then my GP could re-refer me.  It's a shame that there isn't any on-going support these days like there used to be, but this is a lot better than nothing and hopefully it'll give me a bit more emotional strength to deal with what I have to.

Now the other thing that I did last week, that is totally different from any of the other stuff, is that I had a birthday :o)  I have lived another year beyond my life expectancy, although it's been a challenge to get through at times, as you know.  My birthday was on Thursday, so a university day, and a full one at that with two classes - one in the morning and one in the early evening.  I took a cake into my first class of the day and shared it with everyone, which made it all very jolly, and everyone's papers very chocolatey ;oP  Between classes I met with W and we went to the cinema to see 'The Pirates: In an Adventure with Scientists'.  It was great fun, light-hearted, and just what was needed for an afternoon film showing on my birthday.

On the Friday evening I went to Gibside.  This is a National Trust property on the edge of Gateshead and County Durham.  It's a lovely place, and somewhere I enjoy going whatever the weather, which is just as well because the last couple of times I've visited it's either been snowing or raining.  It was raining on Friday, but it didn't matter.  Every Friday between 6pm and 9pm they keep the walled garden open while the rest of the grounds are closed, and in an area next to the walled garden they have picnic tables and log burning braziers in a beer garden.  They serve beers from a local brewery, Fentimans soft drinks (also made locally), cakes, snacks, and ice-creams.  They're all sold from a little hut, which unfortunately isn't directly wheelchair accessible, but when they saw that I was sitting out in the rain they came and said that if I wanted to go inside they'd open up the main shop as there's a way through that to the rest of the hut.  As it was I was fine because we were sitting under a huge picnic table parasol, and not far from one of the braziers so it wasn't too chilly.  The rain also eased off a fair bit while we were there and at one point we had a gorgeous double rainbow.  I'd post a photo of the rainbows except that I haven't actually downloaded them onto my computer yet.

I'd invited a fair few people to join me at Gibside, but I left it a bit late to ask, and actually a lot of folk were away at various different places.  However, several people were able to come and I think all had a good time.  I know I did :o)  I don't think any of those who came had been to the Gibside beer garden before, but I think it is somewhere we might all end up again, though perhaps on a slightly less soggy evening.

As I mentioned before, I didn't do a huge amount at the weekend as I was recovering from the busy week I'd had.  This week has so far seen me back at university, doing some of the homework I've had from university (I still have some to do), an appointment with the physiotherapist at the hand clinic, two trips to the dentist as I had a filling fall out on Friday afternoon, and a quick visit to ward 29 for a portacath flush.  Not exactly a relaxing or fun-filled time, but all necessary.  I still have another two classes at university to go, more homework before tomorrow afternoon's class, and a follow-up appointment with the surgeon at the hand clinic.  Thankfully, I have a nice day with W planned for Saturday, so that will redress the balance somewhat :o)

Right then, I'd better get myself to bed or I'll never manage to get myself up in the morning in time for my class, which this week is an hour earlier than usual as the tutor has to go and host an event at the Hexham Book Festival in the early afternoon.  I wish her luck, but I so wish I could have that extra hour in bed ;o)

Festivities

I seem to have entirely avoided talking about Christmas and New Year here, but I have been very much immersed in the festivities in reality.  I've actually been celebrating Christmas and it's joys since at least a couple of weeks before Christmas Day, so I thought I'd tell you a little about what I've been up to.

Back at the beginning of December, somewhere around the 8th, W and I had been planning on going to the Enchanted Parks event at Saltwell Park, Gateshead.  We'd booked our tickets a while back and were looking forward to it as we hadn't managed to get to it last year because the weather was so awful (deep snow and temperatures of -9C).  Unfortunately there were huge gales on 8th December and Gateshead council decided to cancel the Enchanted Parks event for that night.  We were disappointed, but the disappointment was short-lived as we were offered alternative tickets for the Saturday evening.

I met W outside the park, having gone in Taz on the bus.  This made much more sense than W traipsing all the way over to Newcastle and then coming on the bus with me as she lives not too far from the park.  I hadn't been sure how long it would take me to get there on the bus, and in fact I was a little early, but I sat chatting to the nice folk manning the gates while I waited.  You could see from the outside that something was going on in the park, and the sky above the big field was lit with searchlight-like strobes that made me think how things might have been during WWII ... perhaps made all the more evocative by my reading a book at the time set during WWII.

Anyway, W arrived and we made our way into the park, which was far from war-like.  The main path up to the ticket office had its trees lit in multicolour, and there was a sense of party and celebration from all who headed up towards the event.

The event was a show of light and sound and sculpture, taking the viewer through the darkness of the park and surprising us with what was presented.  Here are few of the highlights:

These snakes were attached to a huge head made from a tree stump/root.  They were a kind of representation of Medussa, and there was some eerie music eminating from the surrounding area.

The old building in the middle of the park was opened up for refreshments.  We didn't make use of the refreshments, but we did watch as the projected kalaidescope lit the building outside, and the patterns changed as people queued up with their selection of shapes to be shone onto the walls.

The bandstand was dripping in lights and looking magical in the darkness.

A fabulous ice sculpture with changing colours.  When it was lit orange or red it felt wrong that it was cold to touch.  All my senses were expecting heat, even though I knew it was ice.  I loved this sculpture - probably my favourite piece in the event.

Although I did also very much like these bird cage-like sculptures hanging in the trees as well.

Time for a light tea, perhaps?

A selection of the lit trees and foliage from around the park.

It was a very enjoyable evening, and thankfully not too cold.  However, Taz hadn't been completely charged up when I'd set off as I'd gone out earlier in the day, so I almost didn't make it back.  Taz's battery indicator was flashing on one red bar by the time I got home and I nearly came to a stand-still before getting home.  Thankfully turning Taz off when on the bus allowed it enough of a break to see me home and parked up in the living room, but it was a very close call, and Taz only just crawled into place.

So that was the Enchanted Parks.

On 16th December W and I had Christmas together.  She came over to my house in the afternoon and we had Christmas dinner consisting of a vegetarian loaf thingumy I'd made with lots of sagey flavours, and of course we had all the roast dinner accompaniments - roast potatoes, roast parsnips, carrots, sprouts in sage and lemon butter, and homemade crab apple jelly.  This was followed by a time of present swapping and 'slump and grunt', before W prepared pudding in the slow cooker and we went out to Gibside in the evening.  Gibside is a National Trust property, and every friday night since the summer they've apparently been doing a beer tent and open fires between 6-9pm.  On 16th December they also had carol singers and had a stand for hog roast and mulled wine.  Neither W or I were up for the hog roast (I'm vegetarian, I'd probably have been allergic to it anyway, and both of us were stuffed after Christmas dinner), but we did have a drink - I had a Fentiman's lemonade whilst W had a half pint of Legless Santa :oD  We sat around one of the fire grates, warming ourselves from the icy cold (we had a white Christmas that day) as we drank our drinks and soaked up the atmosphere, listening to the carols.  We were only there for about an hour, but it was very festive and a lovely thing to do on our Christmas Day together.

When we got back to mine we had just enough space to squeeze in our chocolate puddings with melty middles.  That is that the chocolate puddings had melty middles, not us ... we had rather bloated middles from all the yummy food.  Unfortunately we had both forgotten to buy either cream or ice-cream to go with the puddings, but W had the fantastic idea of drenching the puddings with Bailey's instead.  Marvellous!  Delicious!  Very, very scrummy!

On 21st I came up to Edinburgh to have actual Christmas with my mum and step-dad.  I've been having a very lovely, very quiet, very relaxed time.  To be honest, I haven't been 100% well (when am I these days?) with some mild lurgies that I think I picked up at the carol service at church on 18th - which was fantastic, by the way.  My lungs haven't been very happy, and I've had very disturbed sleep with lots of coughing and wheezing every night, but I've been very well looked after and have thus far avoided needing any medical intervention.  I think I've got through the worst of it now, so hopefully I'll be able to stay out of hospital throughout this lurgification.

I'm going home today.  My train is at 9pm.  I'll be sad to go home as I've had such a lovely time here, but before I go I get the pleasure of seeing my older brother and his family as they are about to descend on my mum and J for five days and we have a few hours of cross-over time.  I'm sure it'll confuse O (5) and D (3) no end that I'm here, as they found it hilarious when I told them that I was their daddy's sister, so they'll probably find it difficult to comprehend that Grandma is also Aunty Becky's mummy.

Actually, I'd probably better sign off before they arrive.  They're due almost imminently, so I shall brace myself for an invasion of boystrous energy.

Next stop, New Year's Eve at a friend's house.  I think it's going to be a relatively quiet and civilised evening ... far from what I expect of this evening before I head off home.

Celebration!

It's far, far too long since I last blogged.  I'm sorry about that.  I've been a tad busy celebrating my graduation.  I had a big party last Saturday with sixty friends who I think (and hope) all enjoyed themselves with the help of an old friend of mine who plays the saxophone brilliantly and 'did his stuff' with a couple of his jazz-playing friends.  Oh, and we also also had lovely food done by Cafe Bar One, who managed to cater around all my billions of allergies, and those of my friends with other allergies/intolerances, which include gluten, dairy, egg white, quorn, and a low potassium diet.  Quite some achievement.

I hired the hall of St. Barnabas' and St. Jude's church - Barney and Jude's - which is the sister church to mine.  Barney and Jude's hall was done up earlier this year and has gone from being quite drab and unremarkable to being lovely, welcoming, relaxing, and a great venue for a huge variety of events.  I was looking for somewhere within my/my parents' price range when Barney and Jude's had just had its face-lift.  We went to have a look and it was perfect with tables, sofas, a platform area for the musicians, a bar (usually used for tea and coffee, but less of that and more wine and beer at my party), a variety of lighting options, and all in a decent sized hall at excellent rates.

We'd booked the hall from 4pm so that we would have time to set up and decorate.  At first this seemed like a long time, but actually it was just about right, although we'd had to take our party clothes with us and change in the toilets.  It might've been nice to come home to get ready, but we couldn't work out when we might be able to fit in a trip back here as the drinks and glasses were being delivered to the hall at 6pm, the food at 6.30pm, and the party starting at 7pm.  Before that there were banners to put up, photos to put onto boards and find places for, balloons to blow up, tables to move, light switches to locate (this took longer than you might think!), general decorating with party paraphernalia, and other bits and pieces.  Mum and J did most of it, while I did the 'quieter' things so that I had energy for the party itself.

I had a fantastic time.  I have some wonderful friends, I really do.  I'm so thankful to them for coming and helping me to celebrate and for giving me such a wonderful evening.  I'm reluctant to put up photos of the party on here because I haven't asked those in them if it's okay to do so, but I will leave you this evening with a couple of photos of the band:

The big event

I've been away, and am still away at the moment, in London.  I came down on Wednesday and have been staying with my brother, M, his wife, N, and my two young nephews, O and D.  It's been an exciting time for various different reasons.  Firstly, it was O's first week of school last week.  He's taken to it easily, but D has found it more difficult at nursery without O there too as he's never experienced nursery without O.  D has been the tearful one in the mornings, but apparently (and happily) he's been absolutely fine soon after M has gone home. 

The next exciting thing is that it's D's third birthday next weekend, I brought his birthday presents down with me and gave them to him on my first evening here so that I could see him opening them.  He's well into firemen and Fireman Sam at the moment - his party is going to be Fireman Sam themed - and I bought him a wooden fire engine and figures for his present.  His brother O has had a toy fire engine for a couple of years, but D was desperate to have one of his own.  I knew he was into firemen, but didn't know how desperate he was to have his own, and for the first ten minutes of having it he kept wrapping the box up in the birthday paper again, pulling the paper off, and shouting, 'Surprise!'  He was almost shaking with joy, bless him, and at bed time he wanted to take it upstairs with him so he could look at it in bed.  He then came skulking back downstairs, slunk across the living room floor, and threw himself on me, giving me an enormous hug.  It was like he didn't have enough words to say thank you :o)  Utterly delightful.

Now the main reason for me coming down to London this time, and my really big news, is that I graduated on Friday at The Barbican.  I had the most fantastic day.  My brother, M, came, my mum and step-dad came down from Edinburgh, and my dad and step-mum came down from Newcastle.  There were also two people I've met through the course of my degree with the Open University, and the (grown up) daughter of a friend I've made through the OU but who couldn't come herself.  What was also lovely was that another friend I've made through the OU - F - was graduating at the same time and was only one person in front of me in the ceremony, as we were both graduating with First Class Honours in Literature and our surnames are alphabetically close to each other.  F lives in Edinburgh so I often see her when I go up there to stay with my mum.  It was wonderful to be graduating with her, and we went together to get robed up.

The Vice Chancellor of the Open University is called Martin Bean.  Each graduate was presented to Martin Bean - a very jolly Australian bloke - and I have to say that it does tickle me that I was presented with my degree by Mr Bean, even if it's not the Mr Bean.

After the ceremony I eventually managed to find my family again amongst the crowds, and after we'd had a coffee downstairs we made our way outside, hailed a couple of cabs, and came back to my brother's house, where we were greeted by N, O, and D.  O and D had a little bit of time with Grandma, Poppa J, Grandad, and Granny B before going to bed, but once they were settled (and re-settled as they got up a couple of times, probably because of the excitement of so many family people around) the rest of us ordered Indian take-away for a celebratory meal.  Of course, I couldn't have this because of my allergies, but M made me some wonderful stuffed peppers and potato wedges, and rather than joining them in the champagne they all had (it contains sulphites, to which I'm allergic), I had some lovely apple brandy with Appletiser.  I do miss joining in with things like take aways and champagne, but there are some delicious alternatives, and what I had on Friday certainly felt like celebration food and drink.

My various parents have gone back home now, and I'm going home tomorrow, but I've had a wonderful time, a celebratory time, a very happy time.  I have a lot of good memories to take away with me, and I'm looking forward to getting copies of photos from all who took them, include the official photos.

Brides

Two of my friends got married on Saturday.  It was a lovely wedding and C, the bride, looked beautiful.  The occasion, though, reminded me of a conversation I had with my mother a few weeks ago.  It was a very surreal conversation, and one that you should probably never have with your mother.

I'll be graduating with my under graduate degree this September (I just sent off my last essay today!) and I'm having a party to celebrate.  My mum suggested the party when I was in hospital sometime last year or the year before, and it was just before my most recent admission that I started to organise the party and send out invitations.

Mum and J are very kindly paying for most of the party, and it was while we were discussing some of the costs that this surreal conversation took place, beginning with her saying, 'Of course, if you decide to get married next year then we'll have to have a re-think about finances.'

????????  'Yeeees, but I need a man, and a relationship with a man, before getting married becomes a possibility.'

'Hmmm.  Have you thought about maybe going to Thailand and getting a Thai bride?'

??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????!!!!!!!!!! 'No.  I can honestly say that I haven't.  And Mum, I'm not gay.  You do know that, don't you?'

'Yes, it's just ... Well, I thought with your liberal views, and all that...'

?????!!!!!!!????????  'Er.  Um.  Right.  I see.'  NO, I DON'T!!! What liberal views in particular????  'Well, um, I'm not gay, and I'm not going to Thailand to get a wife.'

'Oh.  Okay ... So you won't be getting married next year?'

'No, I think that's very unlikely.  Lovely as it would be to be getting married, I do want to marry a man, and I want it to be a man I love.'

I have no idea where that idea of hers came from, and I have to say that I felt as though I ought to be apologising for being straight.  I'm also rather perplexed as to why she seemed to think I might want a bride!  And a Thai bride!  This is the woman who was anxious about me being well enough to go to North Yorkshire, so I have no idea where this notion of me jetting off to Thailand came from.  And a bride from Thailand!!!   The conversation seems so wrong in so many ways.

Completely surreal.  Totally bizarre.

Sticky and slippy

Way back in the mist of time, before the first Ice Age... Oh okay then, it wasn't all that long ago, and it wasn't the Ice Age as such, it was a month or so ago, and before the first lot of very cold weather this winter, but you get the picture - it seems like ages ago, and it seems as though this snowiness and iciness has been going on forever. Anyway, what was I saying? Yeah, right, well, I made crab apple jelly! Not only that, but I used the crab apples from the crab apple tree in my front garden (aka little patch of mud). And not only that, but it's a crab apple tree that I planted myself a few years back, and it had been a scrappy little thing I'd bought from the 'almost discarded' section of the garden centre. So the process began with the picking of the apples. I took the washing up bowl out to put them in, but there was so much fruit that there was still a fair amount left on the tree even after filling the washing up bowl with the little apples! The recipe was for 4lbs of fruit. I had 13lbs!

I was surprised at how mucky my hands were after picking the fruit as I don't put anything like pesticides or fungicides on the tree, so it must all have been 'natural' dirt and probably car fumes from the traffic on the relatively major road nearby. Needless to say, I decided that the fruit needed a very thorough clean before I started following Mrs Beeton's recipe for crab apple jelly, but once it was washed (and soaped!) and as clean as could be I divided the fruit up into portions of the correct weight for the recipe, and soon saw that I was going to be doing several batches of it. So here's a pic of one batch of the fruit:


Next came the cutting of the tiny apples, and throwing them in a pan with the water and spices:


And boiling them up until they were soft:

Then straining them to get all the lovely juiciness that would (hopefully) become the jelly:

And then boiling up, and trying not to burn, those lovely juices to thicken up:

Now, unfortunately, Mrs Beeton isn't too descriptive in her instructions for when the loveliness is ready to be put into jars, and just says it's ready 'when it sets quickly on a cold plate.' That's all very well, but what is the definition of quickly? I dunno. I still don't know, but I decided 30 seconds to a minute was probably about right, so after much testing I eventually got bored and decided it was ready. I ladelled it into jars, managing to get a fair bit of stickiness on the benches and around the kitchen, and most definitely over all the jars, some of which are still sticky despite the many wiping downs they've had. And after several repetitions of the whole process this was the product of my labour:

I have to say that I was rather impressed with myself, and more than a little surprised that it had all worked out. Not only that, but when I eventually got around to tasting it I discovered it was rather lovely! It goes amazingly well with a strong cheddar cheese, and it was also quite scrummy with the completely made up lentil loaf thingumy that I made for Christmas lunch with W on 17th December (we had an early Christmas together with lunch and a trip to the panto, which was all great fun). What's more, the jelly doesn't only taste scrummy, but it doesn't dribble all over the plate - it's actually jellified! Of course there was far too much crab apple jelly for me to get through so I've been giving jars of it away, and I brought some up to Edinburgh with me where I've been having Christmas with Mum and J.

I came up to Edinburgh on Thursday. Driving. In the snow. It was quite possibly the scariest drive of my life. For any of you who know the A1 north of Newcastle, you'll know that the vast majority of it is single carriage way. It's also now in a terrible state from the freezing temperatures that have wrecked the tarmac and created huge crevasse-like potholes. It's quite something to negotiate these craters, and I'm sure that they could cause a serious accident if a wheel got caught in them at just the wrong angle. So I was trying to avoid these, but at the same time I was having to concentrate hard as I was periodically engulfed in blizzards of snow that reduced visibility considerably, but which didn't deter some maniac drivers from getting right on my tail. My strategy when this happens is always to slow down. I know this may well frustrate the driver behind me even more, but to be honest, if I'm going to be smashed into I want it to be as low an impact as possible.

Then there was the slush and ice. Various stretches of road had been cleared by snow ploughs, but certainly not all, or by any means most. I followed the tyre tracks from the traffic ahead of me as much as possible, but this didn't stop me from occasionally sliding on the slush, and on three occasions I gently skated onto the other side of the road, unable to do anything about it until my car tyres found a bit of tarmac to grip onto again. Amazingly, each time I slid that far over the raod there wasn't any on-coming traffic so avoided a head-on collision and probable death. The road was generally quite busy - the 23rd December being the busiest day of the year for road traffic, apparently - so it surely was that God was watching over me while I travelled north that meant that on each of my excursions to the wrong side of the road there was nothing coming. The whole journey really was quite terrifying and I was exhausted by the time I got here.

I made it to Edinburgh and to my parents' house, and we have been having a lovely, quiet, gentle Christmas together, with an abundance of food (including some of my crab apple jelly) and an abundance of presents. It's wonderful. Neither my mum nor my step-dad are Christians (Mum's a hybrid of agnostic-atheist, whilst J is a committed atheist), but we did all go to the Nine Lessons and Carols service at St. Mary's Episcopalian Cathedral, where they both enjoyed the music, and I enjoyed the music and the joy of the true meaning of Christmas.

I hope you have all had a lovely Christmas and a peaceful time with family and friends. Happy Christmas, all!

A quick visit

This is a quick visit to my blog during a quick visit to London. I'm visiting my brother and his family :o) I was supposed to have been at a one-day conference on 'Conflict in Children's Literature' at Roehampton University yesterday, but I knew that I wasn't going to have the energy for that so very reluctantly had to cancel my plans to attend. I'd been looking forward to it for months, but there's no way that I'd have managed with my energy levels as they are at the moment. However, I didn't want to cancel all my plans to come to London and stay with my brother, sister-in-law, and two gorgeous nephews, so that is where I am. It's my brother's 40th birthday on Monday, so we've had a bit of a celebratory day today with present time, and cake with candles at dinner time. My sister-in-law, N, and my older nephew, O, started making the cake yesterday, with the intention of making a car-shaped cake, but not being used to using wholemeal flour (to make the cake Aunty Becky-friendly), N didn't add quite enough liquid in the recipe and it all turned out a bit crumbly. Oops. Undeterred, the remains of the cake were put aside until today, when N and O had a go at adapting the car cake, mixed the crumbs with lots of whipped cream, put the remaining pieces of cake into a rough car-shape on top of the cream/crumb mix, piped freshly whipped cream onto the top to indicate wheels, lights, and windows, and hey presto, a scrummy car cake :o) It didn't taste anything like cars, though ... not that I've ever tried eating a car...

A couple of weeks ago, while I was in hospital, my older nephew, O, had chicken pox while the family were away in France. O is fine now, and it seemed as though my younger nephew, D, had somehow managed to escape catching chicken pox from his big brother. I had a bit of a dilemma before my visit as it could potentially be very dangerous for me to get chicken pox because of being on high dose prednisolone. I wasn't sure whether to risk coming or not, when it seemed that D would most likely get ill, even though he was so far okay. I spoke to a couple of friends who are GPs to ask for advice, and they both said that I should probably postpone my trip south. I was reluctant to do so, though knew that I would if it was really necessary, but first of all I decided to speak to my asthma consultant and see what he thought. I phoned his secretary on Wednesday, but it turned out that Dr H was away on annual leave last week, so explained my situation to the secretary who'd asked if any of the other consultants could help. Just as I was telling her about the chicken pox situation, one of the other consultants I know very well (in fact I've known him since he was a new registrar) came into the office so I spoke to Dr DS, who said that I should be safe enough as I had chicken pox as a child. Hurrah! The trip was on! And anyway, it seemed as though the M, N, O, and D household was chicken pox-free so it was all only precautionary in the first place :oD ... except that when we got up on Saturday morning it appeared that D hadn't escaped the affliction and was definitely a little bit spotty. Today there has been absolutely no doubt about it - he is a spot fest. He's mostly okay in himself, but he's very itchy and that gets him miserable. And now I feel a little, um, er, irresponsible. Perhaps I shouldn't have come. Even though I had reassurance from Dr DS that I ought to be okay, I do wonder if maybe I ought not to have put myself at potential risk :o/ I'm loving being here, and loving seeing all the family - especially the boys :o) - but have I done a stupid thing? I'm not sure. I don't know whether I should contact my GP when I get home or just wait and see if anything happens, which it probably won't, but I definitely don't want it to either. Hmmm. Am I daft? Have I been stupid? I fear the answer maybe yes ... It has been wonderful, though, to see O and D (and M and N too), and I don't want to go home tomorrow.

A backwards glance

Last week it was my mum's birthday and in celebration she had a week away, hiring two cottages in North Yorkshire for the family to congregate at. We all went - My brother M with his wife N and two boys O and D, my brother C and his new wife S (they were married only four weeks ago in Cambridgeshire - a very lovely time), my step-dad J, and myself. Everyone else went from Saturday to Saturday, but I knew that although it'd be lovely it'd also be tiring and it'd be daft to overdo things, so I only went from Wednesday to Saturday. I did indeed have a very lovely time, and it was great to be with everyone again, even though we had all recently been together at C and S's wedding. Weddings are busy and there's often little opportunity to spend quality time with those you'd like to, and although C and S's wedding was small it was typically busy. I only met S for the first time the day before the wedding as I'd been away in Somerset when she and C had been up to meet and stay with my dad and step-mum back in September, so it was lovely to get to know S a bit better at Mum's birthday week away.

The cottages we stayed at were lovely. They were on a working farm not far from Thirsk, but with the feeling of being pretty much in the middle of nowhere. From the front of the cottages we had a great view of the Kilburn White Horse over the farm's sheep fields that were abound with joyful spring lambs. There were two lambs in a small pen in a barn just off one of the fields. One of them had been rejected by its mother; the mother of the other had died, so both were being hand-reared and the farmer had told us it was fine for us to take my nephews to see them, which resulted in 18 month old D acquiring the word lamb into his vocabulary, and very sweetly waving and saying, 'Bye bye lamb' when we left them. The whole place was very child-friendly with a huge field for kids to run around in, and also with a big climbing frame with slide, a set of swings, and an enormous trampoline. O and D particularly liked the trampoline, even distracting O from the slide, which he's usually a real fiend for. The cottages/farm also have an indoor swimming pool and sauna, which the boys loved, going for a swim every afternoon. I would have liked to join them and the others in the pool, but I didn't think it'd be terribly sensible while the POTS is so unstable and I'm still passing out so much; and the sauna would have been an even worse idea as the heat could affect my BP. I tried to make the most of the times when the others were at the pool though by doing some study on the Thursday afternoon (I had an assignment due), and having a very needed sleep on the Friday afternoon. Friday was my mum's actual birthday and we all went out to The Hare Inn - a 13th Century pub in nearby Scawton - for a meal. I had to take my own food, of course, but the pub were fine with that, and when it came to puddings we even found that there was one they did that was Becky-friendly - Lemon Possit. It was delicious, and it was wonderful to be able to enjoy eating out somewhere other than Peppy's (even though Peppy's are great and ever so good to me), although it did cause some anxiety for the rest of the afternoon in case I had a delayed reaction to it, but there was nothing in it that was likely to kill me, and all was well :o) After the meal Mum, J, C, S and I all went to Rievaulx Abbey. It's a place that W and I had tried to go to earlier in the year, but it was out of English Heritage season, so we'd ended up going to a nearby National Trust place instead. It was nice to get to have a look around Rievaulx Abbey at last, and it really is quite spectacular. I was, however, utterly exhausted afterwards and was grateful of the chance to have a fairly lengthy afternoon sleep back at the cottages while the others went swimming.

I think it was the Thursday afternoon when I was doing a bit of study when C came in for a chat. I don't get to see C very often, because he lives in Cambridgeshire and is very busy with work without much holiday. C's had a lot to contend with over the years, and has led the most bizarre life of anyone I've known. He's overcome a huge amount though, and has miraculously got his life back on track when it could so very easily have gone so very, very wrong. He's the person who I admire most in all the world, and it was great to have the opportunity to talk with him. He came into the cottage clearly knowing that I was alone and he wanted to talk a bit about our first step-mum K, who was a very odd lady and a very destructive force in our family. She died in March 1996 from skin cancer, and despite her complexities and the negativity that we all (my brothers and I) felt towards her, I was upset when she died and this is what C wanted to talk about. For all that he and S are now married, they've only actually been together for about a year, and C thinks that S is having difficulty in understanding why he is having trouble expressing the very complex relationship/situation/person that was K. He's not alone though - it is/was very complicated. K clearly had some mental health issues that weren't dealt with or even properly recognised by those immediately around her (or herself), and I've already mentioned that she was a destructive force ... but her extreme immaturity led to some fun times too, and that, for me, is where the confusion has been. How do you marry together the person who instigates holiday activities that feed the child's soul with the person who has inane jealousy of your mother for 'getting' your father first, confuses you with your mother and consequently frequently treats you atrociously, and who tears the family apart with hate and a degree of insanity? Very confusing for anyone, but especially when you're a child ... and for all that I was almost 22 when K died the confusion was unresolved, and maybe some of it always will be, although it matters less these days ... it has less immediate effect or reason to cause difficulty. C was younger though, and with other complicating factors for him I think it was even more difficult for him to comprehend, so it's not very surprising that he's having trouble expressing it to S. I've been pleased that he felt able to talk to me a little about it, and I've said that if it'd be helpful then I'm more than happy to talk through some of it with S there too. I'm not sure if he'll take me up on the offer, but it's there. I've found myself thinking about it all quite a lot since our chat though, and have talked about it myself with Mum too, who of course has a different perspective on the whole situation, so it's interesting discussing some of it with her too.

Families are weird things, aren't they? Kind of closed entities, yet so vulnerable to change too ... which can have both positive and negative consequences...