I think I have to admit to having a bit of an emotional wobble at the moment. I'm okay ... just a little overwhelmed at the moment. Sometimes hospital admissions do this to me (or at least contribute), and although I'm not entirely sure why this should be when my most recent attack wasn't the worst I've had, I think it might be something to do with the relentlessness of it all. I know that I'm okay now - that I've got through another asthma attack - but I also know that it's only a matter of time before I have to do it all again. It's a bit of a case of feeling sorry for myself I guess, which is boring and miserable for you, and really not what I'm about, but I can't help but let it get to me sometimes.
There's a lot going on at the moment, not only with my recovery from my most recent hospital admission, and the energy it takes to get back on my feet and back into life, but also with an on-going situation of an ill family member. Then there's my OU work, which is great, and on the whole I think it keeps me sane, but it's difficult to be playing catch-up all the time. I have another essay due in in a couple of weeks time, for which I still have all the reading to do. My tutor is very helpful and has actually given me an extention on this assignment into the summer when the course is a little quieter, but I'd rather not have it hanging over me if I can help it. The week before I went into hospital (though whilst I was still struggling on the downward spiral towards admission) I was supposed to restart the digital photography course that I had originally begun at the back end of last year. I'm now behind with that too, although I guess I'm lucky in that I'm the situation where the bit that I'm behind with is actually the bit that I did when I started the course last time round. I'll get there, I know I will - it's just a bit of a struggle to get back on top of things.
One of the difficulties with chronic illness is it's over all impact on life and the relentless interruptions it causes. Now if these interruptions were things that could be planned for (in terms of timing, rather than just occurrence) I guess it wouldn't seem quite so disruptive, but I do find the randomness of it all rather waring at times. It would be nice to be able to plan things and know that I'll be able to do them - that I'll be breathing well enough on the day to do whatever it is that is planned. It would just be nice to be able to rely on breathing for a bit. Most of the time the inconsistency of my ability to breathe is just a part of life, but every now and again it irks me. Now seems to be one of those times. I gave up resenting my illness a long time ago, because resentment only leads to bitterness and depression, which quite frankly isn't worth it, but it's not always easy just to grin and bear it.
I'll be fine, I know I will. I'll get back on top of things and I'll get back into the flow of life. I'll get on top of my work. I'll get my head around the ill-health of a family member and work out how best to support them without doing myself in in the process. I guess I just need a bit of wobble time to assimilate all the messiness of life, and in so doing, tidy it up a bit in my head.