In fact not only a bad night, but a fairly terrible night. I've had no sleep and I'm going downhill rapidly. I'm torn between phoning for an ambulance and waiting until either 8:30 am when the GP surgery opens (the GP could then contact the ward) or 9 am when there'll be a doctor on the ward. I'm knackered and really could have done with some sleep last night. I don't know how I'm going to have the energy to fight, which is why I'm considering going to A&E, but I hate A&E especially when I'm on my own and right now I can't think of anyone who could go with me. Everyone has work this morning, except, I think, W who I think has been on night shift all night, and her car is broken anyway. If I go to A&E then I need someone with me who can keep the doctors right with what I can and can't have, because they have a tendency to disbelieve my allergy to magnesium sulphate (it's so rare), so I need someone who knows the score and can speak up for me. The other thing is that if I go to A&E then I may end up not going straight to FRH, but to RVI first and I hate it there. Everything inside me is screaming to try to hold on until at least 8:30. In fact most of me is screaming out for sleep. I'm so tired. I want to cry. I haven't got the energy for this ... only I don't have any choice.
Two hours. Two hours till 8:30. Can I last? I don't know. Should I try? Probably not. Is sense or fear going to rule? I don't know.
I just need to sleep.
I need to somehow find myself in the Freeman and through the course of least resistence.
I need to be able to breathe. Damn it, I'd be able to make decisions if I could breathe ... but then, of course, I wouldn't need to make the decision.
I hate this.
I hate being alone with this.