A favourite quote and a way by which to approach life.

Today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday.

Monday, 7 July 2008

Nee nah nee nah woo woo woo

That is my most hated sound - the sound of an ambulance. Unfortunately, as you all know, it's also the sound of police cars and fire engines, so it's quite a common sound (especially when living in a city with 3 hospitals, as Newcastle is, and also when you live not too far from a fairly main road, as I do). It's strange, because it ought to give a feeling of relief with the knowledge, when I'm need of an ambulance, that I'm about to get help, but it also signifies the fight for my life. My heart sinks when I hear that sound though, even when it's not for me, when I'm not in need of it ... it's the memories. I find it odd these days if I'm being transferred between hospitals and have a nurse/medical escort (due to my instability) and they get all excited about being in an ambulance with the blues and twos going, and you might be surprised at how many do get excited about it. I guess it kind of is exciting - there's a drama about it that I can understand, I suppose - but to me it means, 'you're in trouble and we [paramedics] don't want you to die on us so we're getting you out of our custody as fast as we can.' I find it of no comfort when the paramedics set off with me in the back and say in a calm, soothing voice, 'The sirens are just to get the traffic out of the way,' because again, this means that I'm in bad shape.

I've been very aware of lots of sirens recently (there's one going past the top of the street as I type this), which isn't good. It's odd how this happens, but often after a while of becoming more aware of lots of blues and twos I end up in hospital shortly afterwards. Maybe it's that I'm aware that my lungs aren't great and my whole body and mind are tuning into all that ... I don't know, but it's something I've observed. My lungs certainly aren't great at the moment and my nebs aren't lasting the four hours that they should - it's more like two to three - which is another warning sign. Aside from my usual pattern of in-out-in-out in relation to hospital admissions, I put this current lung grumpiness down to the weather. It's so close and changeable, and my lungs don't like that at all. There's no air, and I just want to slice through it and let in a breeze from beyond the stifling block that lingers, in much the same way as I'd like to slice into my lungs and let the air move freely for once.

Yes, it's a bit of a struggle at the moment, but time will only tell how long I free before the next admission. Maybe I'll be able to stave the next one off a while, but if things continue as they are they I don't think I have too long. I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect that I'm not.

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