Truly fed up

I'm still at home and I'm now truly fed up. It's not that I want to be in hospital - I certainly don't - it's just that I'm sick of being in this limbo where I'm not well and struggling along, but not quite poorly enough to go into hospital yet. For almost all asthmatics I'd suggest they go to hospital/get medical assistance when they're at the stage I am at the moment, but the situation is a little different with me. I'm already on maximum medication on a daily basis, so the next step is an IV of a drug called aminophylline. It takes its time for aminophylline to do its stuff with me, but it does eventually work (usually), however, as this is the only option for me before being intubated and ventilated (I'm allergic to magnesium sulphate, which is the other line of defence often given), there's often reluctance to jump in too early with it. To be honest I don't completely understand the reasoning behind waiting, as I sometimes think it'd be better to try to stop things before they reach crisis than to wait until I hit that point. Anyway, this is the way things are, so here I am, still at home, still struggling on, and getting thoroughly fed up. I know that it's now inevitable that I'm going to end up in hospital, and that my lungs are beyond spontaneous remission, so I kind of wish they'd just get on with it and give up. Providing I get through the attack, I can then get on with the task of getting better and getting back into life, rather than being stuck on the edge of it as I am at the moment.

I'm so tired. I just want a break.