For almost as long as I can remember I've had pretty low self-esteem, but over recent years I've become much more content with who I am. However, I'm still a long way off being happy with my body, and at the moment this is a real issue. The consequences of this aren't what they used to be - anorexia in my teens that migrated to bulimia through my twenties - but the crushing demoralisation isn't much different. In some strange way, I think this has contributed to my quietness on here recently ... I kind of don't want to put myself forward in any way, show myself. I know this is silly, and that those who matter really don't care what I look like, and that this is something that most women struggle with in one degree or another, but it still bothers me. I've put on so much weight in the past few months ... and I'm embarrassed ... I'm embarrassed to be me ... I'm ashamed ... I feel uncomfortable. I know that when I'm feeling okay about myself I dress a lot better and take care of my image better, which is probably what I should do when I don't feel so good about myself, but instead I hide away behind innocuous t-shirts and trousers ... I try to become unnoticeable, but know that in my vastness that this isn't possible.
Everyone knows that the solution to weight loss is to eat less and exercise more. I'm one in that everyone. I'm now trying to do something about it, and yesterday went swimming again. This is tough though, because it means practically stripping off in front of a load of strangers, and exposing myself to the small world of the swimming pool. I know it's the only way to change things though, so I will persevere, and hopefully make some progress without getting caught up in the terrible thing of eating disorders again. I know this hasn't been the case for many years now, but I think it's one of those things that's never really cured, just managed, so the possibility of it hangs over me. The change in having more confidence in myself as a person (rather than as a body) these days than in the past should help, but it's not easy to hold onto all that at times when self-esteem is low and body-image is dismal.