Nee nah nee nah woo woo woo

That is my most hated sound - the sound of an ambulance. Unfortunately, as you all know, it's also the sound of police cars and fire engines, so it's quite a common sound (especially when living in a city with 3 hospitals, as Newcastle is, and also when you live not too far from a fairly main road, as I do). It's strange, because it ought to give a feeling of relief with the knowledge, when I'm need of an ambulance, that I'm about to get help, but it also signifies the fight for my life. My heart sinks when I hear that sound though, even when it's not for me, when I'm not in need of it ... it's the memories. I find it odd these days if I'm being transferred between hospitals and have a nurse/medical escort (due to my instability) and they get all excited about being in an ambulance with the blues and twos going, and you might be surprised at how many do get excited about it. I guess it kind of is exciting - there's a drama about it that I can understand, I suppose - but to me it means, 'you're in trouble and we [paramedics] don't want you to die on us so we're getting you out of our custody as fast as we can.' I find it of no comfort when the paramedics set off with me in the back and say in a calm, soothing voice, 'The sirens are just to get the traffic out of the way,' because again, this means that I'm in bad shape.

I've been very aware of lots of sirens recently (there's one going past the top of the street as I type this), which isn't good. It's odd how this happens, but often after a while of becoming more aware of lots of blues and twos I end up in hospital shortly afterwards. Maybe it's that I'm aware that my lungs aren't great and my whole body and mind are tuning into all that ... I don't know, but it's something I've observed. My lungs certainly aren't great at the moment and my nebs aren't lasting the four hours that they should - it's more like two to three - which is another warning sign. Aside from my usual pattern of in-out-in-out in relation to hospital admissions, I put this current lung grumpiness down to the weather. It's so close and changeable, and my lungs don't like that at all. There's no air, and I just want to slice through it and let in a breeze from beyond the stifling block that lingers, in much the same way as I'd like to slice into my lungs and let the air move freely for once.

Yes, it's a bit of a struggle at the moment, but time will only tell how long I free before the next admission. Maybe I'll be able to stave the next one off a while, but if things continue as they are they I don't think I have too long. I hope I'm wrong, but I suspect that I'm not.

Self-esteem

For almost as long as I can remember I've had pretty low self-esteem, but over recent years I've become much more content with who I am. However, I'm still a long way off being happy with my body, and at the moment this is a real issue. The consequences of this aren't what they used to be - anorexia in my teens that migrated to bulimia through my twenties - but the crushing demoralisation isn't much different. In some strange way, I think this has contributed to my quietness on here recently ... I kind of don't want to put myself forward in any way, show myself. I know this is silly, and that those who matter really don't care what I look like, and that this is something that most women struggle with in one degree or another, but it still bothers me. I've put on so much weight in the past few months ... and I'm embarrassed ... I'm embarrassed to be me ... I'm ashamed ... I feel uncomfortable. I know that when I'm feeling okay about myself I dress a lot better and take care of my image better, which is probably what I should do when I don't feel so good about myself, but instead I hide away behind innocuous t-shirts and trousers ... I try to become unnoticeable, but know that in my vastness that this isn't possible.

Everyone knows that the solution to weight loss is to eat less and exercise more. I'm one in that everyone. I'm now trying to do something about it, and yesterday went swimming again. This is tough though, because it means practically stripping off in front of a load of strangers, and exposing myself to the small world of the swimming pool. I know it's the only way to change things though, so I will persevere, and hopefully make some progress without getting caught up in the terrible thing of eating disorders again. I know this hasn't been the case for many years now, but I think it's one of those things that's never really cured, just managed, so the possibility of it hangs over me. The change in having more confidence in myself as a person (rather than as a body) these days than in the past should help, but it's not easy to hold onto all that at times when self-esteem is low and body-image is dismal.

Getting by

The title says it all really - I'm getting by. My lungs aren't too fantastic right now, though not awful - just the usual daily grind, but meds aren't lasting quite long enough. It's a bit of a pain really, and is limiting what I'm doing, which means that I'm spending rather a lot of time on my own. In theory this means that I can get on with my studies, but in practice it means that I procrastinate and do everything but my studies. Yesterday I sat next to my books for half of the afternoon and most of the evening, glanced at them out of the corner of my eye every now and again, felt guilty for not picking them up and reading them, and then continued to pass the time away with the internet and games of Spider Solitaire. Today has been more productive thankfully, and although I'm yet to open my books for my literature course, I have finished all the reading etc for my photography course. I have the ECA (End of Course Assessment) due in by 9th July so my main task now is to put that together, which consists of a slide show of ten of my best photographs, reflecting different aspects of what I've learnt through the course and a variety of techniques, and then to do a short report (600 words) on them by answering a couple of questions from a short selection. It shouldn't be too bad, and I have ideas for some of the photos.

Other than study and the variability in breathing ability, I guess I'm okay. Things have continued to be somewhat stressful in some areas of life, but I think I'm managing to keep my head above water for the most part, and when I dip under I'm trying to put goggles on so that I can at least see what's around me ;oP

Well I have one or two little jobs to do and then I must do a bit of study on my literature course ... or distract myself from that with selecting my ECA photos for the other course ;o) I leave you with a photo that I took the other day down by the river. It's of the Baltic Flour Mill (now a modern art gallery) and the Millennium Bridge.

Huge apologies

My huge apologies to you all for the extended absence. As I said in my last post I was away in Edinburgh for a while having a bit of a break and some much needed TLC. I'm feeling much better for my trip and I had a lovely time doing a whole host of things. One evening we went to see the Nederland Dans Theatre, which I'd expected to be ballet, but turned out to be modern dance. It was very interesting, very enjoyable and quite thought provoking too. The performance we saw was by the young people's section of the company so all the dancers were between 17 years and 23 years old, and they were amazing. I swear that they were made of elastic! Bodies just shouldn't bend like theirs did!

I had a couple of days where I did some study and managed to get a substantial amount done for an assignment that I had for one of my OU courses. I didn't actually write the assignment until I got home, but I did a lot of the poetry analysis that was needed for the essay, so although it wasn't the most enjoyable thing to be doing while I was away, it was very useful and quite productive. We did plenty of other things though such as visiting the botanic gardens, which were beautiful and so peaceful. It was with surprise, though with great pleasure, that I found that entry was free, and if any of you are up in Edinburgh at any time and you fancy a nice, free day out then I can thoroughly recommend the botanic gardens.

On the Saturday of my stay the three of us (me, Mum and my step-dad) went on a trip to the zoo, which I thoroughly enjoyed and took about 200 photos, although about a third of those have been discarded (the joys of digital photography!). I was slightly disappointed to discover that Edinburgh zoo doesn't have elephants or giraffes, but was consoled by the existence of the UK's only koala bears. Seeing as koalas sleep for around 23 hours a day it wasn't a surprise to find that they were asleep when we saw them, and they did look ever so sweet perched up in their trees, propped up by the branches, and snoozing away.

Since getting home I've been rather busy, first of writing the essay that I mentioned before, and then worrying slightly about still being so far behind with my studies ... and I'm yet to do much about that, having been somewhat paralysed by the panic. I must make a concerted effort this week. Part of the problem at the moment is that the photography course is approaching its final weeks and I have to compile my ECA (End of Course Assessment), which consists of a slideshow of ten of my best photos taken through the course, and then a short commentary (about 600 words). I'm mulling over which photos to include, though I haven't reached any final decisions yet, and the course hasn't actually finished so there may be photos that I haven't yet taken, but will want to include in the ECA. I'm never the worlds best decision maker so it isn't going to be an easy task deciding what to include in my slideshow.

The past couple of days, I have to admit, have contained very little study indeed, but it's been for good reason - I've been looking after my nephew. My brother, sister-in-law and 18-month old nephew came up to stay with my dad and step-mum so that my bro and sil could help dad do a major sort and clear of his study. Dad has always been a hoarder so needed a lot of firm, though sensitive, encouragement to part with things, but it needed to be done, because he and my step-mum are shortly going to put their house on the market and move back into Newcastle from Northumberland. So anyway, while they've all be doing that I've been looking after Oliver. We had a lovely day together on Friday, which was helped by the sun being out so we could spend most of the day out and about. Ollie fell asleep in the car on the half hour journey to mine from Dad's, which was good as he was ready for a nap, but when we got to mine he was a little too bemused by the new surroundings to have a proper afternoon sleep. I took him down to Pets Corner in Jesmond Dene where he had his first encounter with live chickens and cockerals. He was so funny with them, completely enthralled by the wobbly red bits on their faces and then rather startled by the cockerals' crowing. Every time they crowed Ollie would turn and stare at them, and then started to tell them to be quiet by puttin his finger to his lips and saying 'shh', which is something that his daddy does to him when he's being particularly 'vocal'. As we walked away from the cockerals, Ollie would stop and turn, and give them a side-ways glance when they made a noise, but eventually he was distracted by the piglets and goats. We had a lovely wander around in the sunshine and Oliver had a little play in the park area with some other children, who he was most interested in, and then we wandered up to see a friend of mine who has two children aged 4 1/2 and 2. We spent an hour and a bit at their house and then made tracks back towards the car before going to another play area with some swings that was on the way home. Oliver loves swings and slides so he had a great time playing there, but it wasn't that long before it was time to be getting him some dinner, so we came home and I fed Ollie and then took him back to Dad's. He fell asleep in the car almost immediately, and I wasn't surprised as he'd seemed very tired and it was a little after his bedtime already, but I certainly had had a lovely day, and Oliver had seemed to enjoy himself too.

Yesterday I looked after Ollie again, but this time at Dad's so that my bro and sil could see Ollie at times through the day. We played a lot of 'this is the way the lady rides', which he particularly enjoyed when I lay on the floor and he could bounce on my tummy! He also quite liked walking in bare feet on the pebbles on the drive, in the rain. I didn't think this was such a great plan, but as he was happy enough I let him do it for 5 or 10 minutes ... and then I got a bit soggy, let alone Oliver, so I scooped him up and 'encouraged' him inside.

Anyway, despite the weather being utterly miserable yesterday and not being conducive to the short trip to the beach that I'd thought we might have had, we did have another lovely time together. He, my brother and my sister-in-law are on their way back to London now, but they'll be up again in a few weeks time for Dad's birthday, for which he's having a week away and inviting friends and family.

Well, I'd best be off for now, because I'm going to be late for church.

Take care all, and again, sorry for my long absence.

Away

This will be very brief, but I just wanted to explain that I'm away at the moment, hence my silence. I'm having a few days up in Edinburgh, staying with my mother and having some TLC. As you'll know if you've read recent posts, I've been having a bit of a tough time, so I thought it a good plan to have a little break and be looked after a little. I came up at the beginning of the week, and the plan was to go back home tomorrow, but I've postponed that by a day so that we (me, mother and step-father) can go to the zoo tomorrow. I'm hoping to get some good photos of the animals, and it'll be nice to have a day out after doing lots of study yesterday and today.

I'm afraid that's about for now, because it'll shortly be bed time, but I thought I'd let you know where I am and what I'm up to, and reassure you that my silence isn't due to being captured by the little green men (paramedics).

The cost of living

I had an appointment with my GP today and although unconnected to my reason for being there, I asked him if he's sent the result of bone density scans. I'd asked my consultant about the result of my most recent scan, but he was rather vague about the results, because he'd only had a chance to glimpse at them rather than really take in what they were. I have some recollection that they weren't too bad, but I thought I'd check with my GP while I was there. The GP said that he wasn't sent results as only the requesting doctor was (my asthma consultant), but that he'd look on my records on the national database and see if they're put up there. As far as he could see, they weren't, but he did have to wade through an extensive list of other tests. Apparantly almost every test you have done in hospital is listed on this database, and as I'm in and out of hospital so much I have a huge list. My GP was rather shocked at the number of chest x-rays I've had, and after counting them he said that I've had 79 chest x-rays since 2000. This is a staggering number and a bit of a worry too. Every x-ray is exposure to a small amount of radiation, and having had so many my chances of developing cancer at some point are significantly raised. My GP also reminded me that I've had a head CT scan in that time too (CTs also use x-ray), and then four bone scans (again, these use x-rays). The risk of cancer is also increased as there have been several cases of it within the family, so there's the possibility of a genetic predisposition too. Obviously there's no point in worrying about it too much at the moment, but it is slightly concerning, and my GP thought it might be prudent to discuss with my consultant the readiness with which x-rays are done on me. The problem is that there is no real alternative to x-ray, and it is important to ensure that asthma attacks aren't being complicated by something like an infection or a pneumothorax (collapsed lung), both of which have been problems with me in the past. It seems that the cost of living/breathing may, at some time in the future, be the development of cancer.

Steady

After my wobble last week I've managed to get myself steadier again this week, although I'm still having great trouble sleeping and I'm only managing to sleep about every other night. This is a perfect way to get absolutely knackered, but despite the exhaustion I'm generally more together than I was, and I'm even managing to do some study. In fact I've caught up on one of the courses, so I'm rather pleased with myself :o)

I think I have to credit my friends for much of my recovery from my wobble - they've been a great support and have kept me doing things. On Wednesday my friend CR came over and we went down to Peppy's for dinner, which was a lovely spur of the moment thing to do, especially as C lives about 45 minutes drive away. Because of the distance we don't manage to get together all that often, so it was great to spend some quality time with her and have a really good natter.

Somehow I managed to while away the back end of last week without doing a huge amount of anything, but on Saturday I went up to Alnwick Castle in Northumberland with my friend K. (Alnwick Castle is used for Hogwarts in the Harry Potter films, just in case you didn't know).

It was a beautiful day - warm, bright and sunny a fair amount of the time. I was tired as I'd had only 2 1/2 hours sleep, but we had a leisurely wander around and arrived shortly before a birds of prey show. There was a chance to have a closer look at some of the birds before we saw them fly, and amongst these was a tiny grey owl, which can only have been about 6-8" high and was incredibly soft. Here's a close up photo of it

Unfortunately I've already forgotten what kind of owl it is, but I have a vague memory of it being from South America ... though that could be completely wrong. They didn't actually fly this bird in the show, but they did fly a barn owl, a harrier, and a falcon. I didn't get a brilliant photo of the harrier, but here's a slightly blurred one one

The falcon was so incredibly fast that it was difficult to get a decent shot, though I did get one where you can just about see it against the castle.

Just before the flaconer let this one fly he told us to keep relatively still, because the speed that these birds fly at is potentially dangerous, and they head towards movement. Sure enough, after soaring high in the air, it dived in a rush, down towards the arena on the grass, in absolute silence, but then just skimmed past my head with a powerful 'phwoosh' before rising up again towards the castle. It was amazing.

The other bird the falconers flew was a barn owl, which I managed to get a few decent photos of. Here are a couple

So then we continued our wander around the castle and its grounds and generally had an interesting and relaxing time together. The day as a whole helped to restore something in me, despite my tiredness ... I think it's getting out into the countryside and being surrounded by nature that does it.

We had considered going to Barter Books (also in Alnwick) after the castle, but we both needed to get home and have a rest so we didn't make it this time. Barter Books is the most amazing place though, and most definitely a must for anybody who likes books and reading. It's one of the biggest second hand bookshops in Britain and takes up practically all of what had once been Alnwick railway station. It's enormous. It's a warren. It has every kind of book you could ever imagine. It has places to sit and curl up for hours as you peruse the plethera of shelves. It has tea and coffee with an honesty box. It has expensive, rare and antique books. It has multiple copies of previous best-sellers. It has sheet music. It has records and CDS. It has videos and DVDs. It has a computerised catalogue of all that it has. I'm going up to Edinburgh next week, which means driving past Alnwick along the A1. I can already feel the magnetism of Barter Books drawing me towards it on my way.